Books I read in December...

or more accurately because I haven't actually kept a proper record, books I've read since Kindleday.....

Only finished books make this list - and I don't review, because what I think of the book is possibly only of use to me and I subscribe to the "Pollyanna School of Reviewing" - ie if you can't say something nice don't say it at all.

The Book of Daniel - Z.A. Maxfield
Dance with Me - Heidi Cullinan
Bent - Sean Michael
Fun with Dick & Shane - Gillibran Brown
More Fun with Dick & Shane - Gillibran Brown
Achilles and the Houseboy - Gillibran Brown
Bound and Determined - Jane Davitt
Deviations: Submission - Chris Owen
Deviations: Domination - Chris Owen
Deviations: Discipline - Chris Owen
Deviations: Bondage - Chris Owen
Deviations: Safe Words - Chris Owen

Actually, because Goodreads is useful I have also read in December

Bounty of Love - Scott Cade
All or Nothing - James Buchanan
Island Empire - James Buchanan
Cutting Cords - Mickie B Ashling
Vessel - Mickie B Ashling
In Hot Pursuit - Kate McMurray
These Haunted Heights - Ally Blue
Polar Reaction - Claire Thompson
Handyman - Claire Thompson

In non-fiction (mainly for research) I've dipped in and out of
The History of Witchcraft - Montague Summers
The Encyclopaedia of Witchcraft and Demonology
Myths and Legends of the British Isle
The Collins book of Trees
Celtic Myths and Legends.


Yes, I think I've mentioned before I do read rather a lot, I also read very quickly, though luckily I re-read, you'll see an * appear on future lists which will denote when a book is a re-read

Looking at the list - I really must fall back out of the M/M Genre and try to read something else...... that said, there is still an awful lot I haven't read!

Adventures in Kindle-land....

When I tweeted “help I appear to be lost in my Kindle” earlier in the week it resulted in a short twitter conversation which in my mind had us all running around inside our Kindles (yep, lots of my fellow tweeters appear to have got them for Christmas too) like Alice in Wonderland running round down the rabbit hole, only in this case Wonderland is an extremely large library of virtual books (L space and all that!) and we are all lost in our respective sections trying to find our way back out into the real world, though alas there were no tea parties with the Mad Hatter, at least I haven't found them yet, I shall keep looking…..  ok, so my mind sometimes paints some quite strange pictures for me

So, anyway, I’ve had my Kindle a week and discovered so far…

It’s far too easy to buy things without realising how much you’ve spent – I was very lucky to get vouchers as well as the Kindle (why yes the entirety of my Christmas list did read, Kindle & vouchers – I believe in asking for what I really want!) but alas these are now all gone (in my defence I do have 25 books to read though). 

“One-click” is the invention of the evil minions of hell and I must find a way to either switch it off or find a way to set a credit limit or I am going to be getting stroppy letters from the bank telling me to stop trying to spend money I don’t have (ok, I am perhaps over exaggerating on that).  I could try finding my willpower and just stop buying stuff, but, erm, nope, never managed that in the past with real books, doubt I’ll be able to find it for downloads either.

The Kindle is much easier to carry about than a book – which as I am forced to read for 30 minutes at lunch every day (yeah such hardship – but I promised my boss that if I only took 30 mins lunch it would be away from my pc).  I did also discover that reading books that make you splutter  your lunch over the desk with laughter (in this case it was More Fun with Dick and Shane by Gillibran Brown) should possibly not be read in work unless you want cross examining by your colleagues as to what is making you laugh so much.

Kindle’s are just the right size for the cat to sit on and obscure completely when you are trying to read in bed… there have been several arguments over this the past few nights when my attentions are directed at the Kindle rather than the cats… I’ve taken to shutting it in the draw over night or I think Hugo is going to take it away and hide it … (he always hides things in either the laundry basket or his special place in a box he’s created a hole in the side of under the bed in the spare room… after I’ve had visitors it’s always amusing to go see what he’s collected… I just wish he’d get over his obsession with stealing my visitors underwear – it’s quite hard to explain why you are returning it later)

So as my New Year’s Eve is going to be spent at home with the critters (way to many fireworks for me to risk leaving them alone) I shall probably be in Kindle-land again…….. I am going to try and get back to doing my books read list on a monthly basis again and may start with what I’ve read since Christmas tomorrow to kick it off

Rolling my eyes.....

Anyone who has read my random witterings since I started this blog will know that I have some issues revolving around my state of mind… and whilst some are long standing a lot have been the result of the evil ex and trying to come to terms with some of the stuff I was put through in the so called relationship we had.  (I really like to avoid using the term “mental health” because one of the things that the ex did was threaten to have me committed to a mental hospital, and even told my mother and sister that she thought I was insane…..yes, I know, realistically she had no grounds for even suggesting it, but the whole thing still makes me feel shaky and a bit sick).

Anyway, every once in a while things get on top of me and very occasionally I will admit I need help… such a thing happened back in about June this year when after nearly two weeks of not sleeping, not eating properly, hiding and obsessing about things that were nothing to do with me (cos yes, everyone else’s problems are much easier to find solutions for in an attempt to avoid looking at your own) I was persuaded by some friends (or threatened, look at it as you will) to go see my doctor.

Now, I shouldn’t gripe, because hell at least we have a free (ish) health service (at the moment!) but really, getting past the doctors receptionist unless you’ve got proof you are about to expire in the next hour or so is nigh on impossible.  So anyway, as I was not at risk of causing harm to myself (not my method of coping – I live with constant pain, I have been in severe pain, causing myself physical pain to ease mental pain is not something I can see working for me so have never been remotely pulled down that route… besides which, the level of painkillers I take to cope with normal life would probably result in having to slice my arm off before I got any sort of pain reaction) I was told that I’d have to take a routine appointment, four days later.

So, when I eventually got to see a doctor (actually my doctor, which is probably the first time in 2 years), having admitted to myself that there was perhaps a bit of a problem I had already managed to get part way towards pulling my head out the sand on some issues and facing what I’d been happily avoiding for, erm, quite a while on some things… Now because of the PTC/BIH my doctor is somewhat phobic of prescribing me, well, anything and has a habit of referring me off to hospital for anything more than a common cold, but as I was pretty adamant I didn’t need to see a psychiatrist (part of my pain management treatment involves seeing the pain psych every six months – just to check that you are dealing with your pain appropriately, not just hoping it will all go away – so I know that all they will do is review you and suggest medication which is not the route I am going – been there done that, my personality is screwed up enough already without adding drugs to suppress emotions) it was suggested perhaps they could arrange some counselling.  That said, the way it works round here is that you have to self refer for counselling, so they just give you the form to fill in and drop back into the surgery…. which I did, straight away, before leaving the surgery… and then promptly forgot about it and got on with using coping methods (talking, writing, admitting that my head was not a happy place to be at times… drinking vodka.. no, not really… I do have a bottle of vodka in the freezer, it’s been there since last Easter, it’s still over half full… I don’t actually drink unless there are people round or I’ve gone out, and then only very little… I think I got over the whole drinking thing when I was a student but that is a whole different story…)

I digress (probably because I am writing this whilst at work in a method of avoiding actually doing anything remotely like working and I daren’t spend any longer on the internet or I shall get named and shamed on the list of 100 naughtiest internet users which gets handed round all the partners/supervisors and then I shall get yelled at … erm… again…ok, I’ve not been that bad in 3  and a bit years I’ve only made the list twice… which is twice more than most people in this department).  Anyway, in this morning’s post, yes six months later, I get an offer of 6 counselling sessions, starting in mid February.  Ooh, 8 months from when I referred….. yeah, bit late really, and I’ve managed to work through some of the major issues I was having, if not completely fixed I am now being a little more reasonable about them, and with myself.  Well that was my first reaction, but if I turn it down then should in the future I have to refer again they will probably tell me to get lost (well no, probably not in those words).  Then I had a think and there is some pretty naff stuff that if it’s not going on in my life right I am probably going to have to face at some point soon and that I could probably do with talking through with someone who is removed from the situation so I think I shall go along for at least the intro session and see if I get on with this counsellor (I’ve only ever not got one with one counsellor, immediate hackles up kind of situation when 20 mins into the intro session I stood up, said thank you but this won’t work and left…).

Remind me...

Why I have critters?

Ok, so the cats, yep, they are cats, not just that but ugly naked cats... ever seen a film or TV programme where if there is an ugly naked cat in it that they aren't the arch villain - trust me there is a reason for this... so expect them to be, well the devil's minions in training

Not so much the dogs, they've been trained, they have routine, they are expected to behave.....I went back to work today, they obviously didn't approve...

I have come home to...
A turned over kitchen bin (contents liberally scattered around floor)
A completely smashed pot water dish
2 cut paws
and
joy of joys
some little sod has taken up the floor tiles by the kitchen door....


I have cleaned up in silence and am now hiding upstairs until the urge to go down and kill them all passes......


Oh and it's midweek (though my brain tells me it's Monday)... so I think a nice piece of calming music is called for (no irony in the title at all)

Sometimes work is a good thing...

As much as I am currently doing the whole "don't wanna go back to work tomorrow" thing, complete with sulking, in retrospect, it is really a good thing as alas my friends and family tolerance minutes appear to be running quite low and the need to hide is gradually taking over.

I haven't always been completely antisocial, in fact quite the opposite, or at least in terms of spending time with friends and family.  As part of this whole rediscovering just who the bloody hell I am, I've discovered that when you have been carefully alienated from said friends and family, and made to believe that one person is the centre of your universe and without them you won't be able to function, that it's actually quite hard to get your head round the idea of spending time with other people again.  Particularly when as much as you know those people love and support you they also know that evil manipulating bitch of an ex told them all sorts of things about you that were either completely untrue or wildly exaggerated.....

No matter who I am talking to, if they knew us as a couple, there is always that horrible moment when I feel uncomfortable and itchy and need to get out of there before someone says the wrong thing, or they remember some of the things she used to tell them about me.  That said, it's been a while since I had a complete melt down over it with someone in the immediate family, so I am obviously improving.

However, 7 days of seeing family and friends on a daily basis has kind of put me at my limit and I as much as I may rail against going back to work, it's peaceful, I can put my headphones in and just get on with drafting without having to think about anything, or have to worry about what people are really thinking about me as they talk to me, or are even talking to someone else but in the same room as me...

Lost in Kindle-land

I feel I should just stick a label up here that says "gone reading" because that is kind of what I've done all day

Actually this is not a bad thing, because I severely suck at relaxing and winding down, and as I have to go back to work on Wednesday for 3 days, and because a week Tuesday the hell that is the final 4 months to the financial year end starts, relaxing now would be a bloody good idea.

Ok, so would doing at least one of my now overdue assignments, but hey, you can't do everything!

Relaxing was also important due to lack of sleep last night.... and when I get hold of my friend who bought my cats two new toys which go "meep" and "squeek" when they hit the ground, get thrown up in the air etc, I may possibly, throw said toys back at her as the cats thought it was hilarious to keep throwing these toys around the bedroom during the early hours....... said toys are now confiscated for daytime use only or I'll probably throttle the damn cats!

Well, who knew.....

Contrary to popular opinion, I am in fact "a good girl".  I must be because I got a shiny new Kindle today!

(I wonder if this means I'm allowed my halo back?  I  maintain to this day that it just slipped a bit, and I put it somewhere safe, the fact it was found rolling in the gutter, slightly tarnished and a little dinted was not my fault....as for the allegation that it wasn't even mine in the first place, but rather I'd stolen it after my own was confiscated, well, there is no truth in that at all..... )

So anyway, I took said kindle home for a few hours this afternoon and may have uploaded some books already, and then took it back with me for dinner.... my mother and sister both commented on how they didn't like it because they couldn't see what I was reading..... which is probably a good thing really as the first books I downloaded were all M/M (mainly with BDSM themes) ... kind of not the thing to have to explain at a nice family meal.....

I fear that my kindle is actually going to end up nick named the "Smut Book Repository" if my family, friends, work colleagues etc ever do decide to cross examine what I am reading mostly on there!


I hope everyone out there is having a wonderful celebration of their choosing :o)

Always check what you are volunteering for

Today has been mostly about cooking, in an uncooked sort of way!

My mother is hosting her annual Christmas Eve shindig tomorrow night and, given that she's in her 70's my sister and I try to help out as much as we can these days (not that we haven't always been helpful - though my 15 years or so in the wilderness on the other side of the country when I didn't come home meant I missed out). Mum has a habit of taking on a little more than she can really cope with - and usually she gets through without anyone realising ... though there was the memorable occasion when I was around 16 that she volunteered to cater a buffet for a friend's wedding and when we got home from school at about 4 pm the day before we discovered her passed out on her bed as she'd had a complete panic about not being able to do it and hit the alcohol.... when my father, who had visitation rights that weekend, arrived at 10 pm my sister and I had in fact managed to do most of the planned cooking despite having never done anything like it in the past.

Anyway, several weeks back we volunteered and I got "some salad stuff" as my designated task, oh foolish me, I only asked what exactly she wanted yesterday...... so today I have made coleslaw, potato salad, rice salad, pasta salad, a tomato and mozzarella salad and, of course, the green salad....  As the only veggie in a family of meat eaters (the standard joke is that I must have been adopted) I will be the one eating the salads apparently.

Cooking with 4 dogs underfoot in the kitchen is quite an art form, particularly as they tend to glue themselves to your ankles in case you drop something!  At least this time no one managed to steal anything they shouldn't have (yes, by that I mean Gretchen... who last time I was cooking for something swiped a whole French stick off the side and ate it before I could grab her)

Tomorrow morning my sister and I are taking a couple of the dogs for a walk in the grounds of Chatsworth House before picking up the rest of the Christmas things from the farm shop and then I think we are all done and ready for Christmas.

Winter Solstice

(Because it's important to me)

In the time of greatest darkness, comes the beginning of the light. Now is the time to cast away regrets and sorrows into the dying darkness in order that new hopes and dreams can be brought forth into the light

May next year be one of hope, happiness and fulfilment for everyone.  

Joyous Winter Solstice

Hoping......

With the new lunar year starting Friday, I thought that I'd bypass the usual midweek music and set out some of my hopes for the next 12 months.  These aren't resolutions, I don't make resolutions as in the past I've found I am just setting myself up to fail.  They also aren't really just about me.

I hope that my family and friends are happy, healthy and that they obtain or achieve all that they wish for.  In particular, that my father's doctors find a treatment that helps him or, if not, that he can remain pain free during his final illness.  I also hope that I can accept that what ever will be will be with dignity and that if things come to the worst that I remember that at least the pain and suffering will be over.  I hope as well that I can support my mother and sister through whatever the outcome.

I very much hope that one friend manages the addition to the family she really wants, that another finds her way out of the darkness she has been struggling with and can work towards the light and move forward with her life, in which ever direction is best for her.  I hope my half daughter finishes her final year of school in the summer and finds something she wants to do with her future, even if that is not straight away.  I hope that I am able to continue to offer what ever support I can to my friends.

I hope that I am able to continue interacting with my net friends and family, and that when I do touch their lives I do so lightly and without ever causing them upset or distress.

I hope to continue to mentally grow and learn more, particularly in relation to LGBT*Q issues, and to be able to offer whatever support I can where needed.

Twinkly lights included......

Ok, I give in... having finished work today for a week I can finally say.......bring on the festive - or rather whatever seasonal event you are celebrating... whilst I will be celebrating Christmas with the family, on 22nd I will be celebrating the midwinter solstice for me and have my Yule candles all ready lined up for lighting.

So with a week off work to enjoy I am fully intending to catch up with friends, to spend time with the family and to do lots of little jobs that I should probably have done a while ago .... like sort out my books.

I used to have organised bookshelves - genre, author, publication date - which lived on rather over stacked shelves in the book room/study/guest room..... then a combination of cats and too many books resulted in crime being moved to the lounge (no, nothing criminal happens in the lounge... or at least I don't think it does), fantasy and m/m has moved to the bedroom (seemed appropriate!) leaving everything else - historical, contemporary, action/adventure, children's/YA and reference books (mainly viking sagas, medieval history - particularly women in history, myths & legends.. oh and some odd chemistry texts from my student days) for the study. I am going to need to buy a new bookshelf as my m/m collection has gone, erm, nuts(?) recently.. that said as I have been a "good girl" I understand that my request for a Kindle might have been granted so the days of real books (except special ones) may be numbered!

Oh and I really must tidy the house as I am, hopefully, having a visitor for boxing day - Yay!! Though I am slightly concerned that her wife thinks I am trying to steal her as over the last months I've spent at least one day per weekend with her!

Right, now I am going back to try and forge a connection between my hands and my brain to force the story I've been spinning into words.....  it appears to be something about a cat shifter and a fire elemental.... and I thought it was going to be a YA story, but said characters are having ideas that are distinctly non YA, so that may have to change!

Taking the car for a spin

In the wisdom of whoever planned the little cul-de-sac in which I live, they decided that we would have a brick road (no, not a yellow one, there is no wizard at the end of it)... this in theory is fine, however, they also decided that at the edge of everyone's front lawn/driveway/footpath etc would be a small lip to drain water down into the road.

And in winter here the fun starts, if the surface is at all wet and it freezes it just becomes, well, a skating rink.... I normally get early warning signs of this when taking the dogs out first thing.... when it's a good job I walk them at stupid o'clock so no one has seen the number of times I end up sitting at the end of my drive with the dogs bouncing on me wondering what I will do next for their entertainment.

My neighbours wait to see if I can get the car off the road before deciding if they'll bother!  We've only had a couple of freezingly cold mornings so far this year in which I've skidded reversing back out my drive, I've managed to slide very (un)gracefully into the hedge trying to turn back in and I've spun the wheels somewhat dramatically in the middle of the road whilst fishtailing about.

I think I just have to go for the full blown 360 degree turn followed by the slide towards the neighbours house before someone awards me 10 points for artistic interpretation and style!!

I wish it would either snow properly so I've an excuse to stay home and not venture out, or pack it in and we can have spring already!

No method, all madness

I'm told quite frequently that I am organised and scarily efficient..... I can only come to the conclusion that those people telling me this actually don't know me at all.

Today has been one of those days where my disorganisation has been highlighted as I frantically try to work out whether it's too late to buy presents on line, try and fit about 3 months worth of hand knitted gifts into a day (ok, so I have done from scratch the hat for the friend that only told me that was what she wanted last week and finished a pair of socks and a shawl), frantically write Christmas cards that should have been sent at least a fortnight ago etc....

I have failed miserably to clean the house, it's tidy, more or less, because it has to be - I have virtually zero vision without my glasses and a tendency to wonder round without them early in the morning, which means that if things are left lying about I fall over quite a lot (and I can do that with the glasses on at the best of times - but with 4 dogs and 2 cats it's kind of hard to keep on top of the clean thing 100% of the time.  Oh I also failed to put petrol in the car, or to go do the food shopping......

Oh and completely fail once again to even look at the criminal law assignment that my tutor is waiting for the first draft off.......

I mentioned how disorganised I was this evening whilst talking on the phone and I could almost hear the raised eyebrow in response... see to those people who really know me, this comes as no surprise at all.  I did get a lecture on priorities, which in fact I am told are none of the above but instead more about taking care of me and letting go of some things I let my brain take on and obsess over which I can actually do bugger all about, which in turn will let me actually focus on the important things (I do know this, but sometimes I apparently need reminding).  Oh, and I had to make a list of things that I need to do, and prioritise them, and there will be checking up on said list....

But now, as there is still more knitting to be done, I shall get on with it, but as I am upstairs I am reduced to watching things on line .... hummm, we shall call it research!

A day in which there have been hugs.

I met up with my adopted little sister (net families are great!) and there was lots of talking, cake and hugs... I was feeling a little hug deprived but today has made up for it in spades...

You can say so much with a hug
you can say hello, or goodbye, or I'll miss you
you can say sorry
or thank you
you can ask for protection, or comfort
and you can offer the same
you can say I care, or I need you
you can say I love you

but you can't really hurt anyone with a hug

Chop, chop, chop... 10 inches shorter...

Over the last couple of years I've lost family members, personal and internet friends to cancer, including my cousin who was only two years older than me and who had two very young daughters.  When just before Christmas another family friend, who we've known since I was a toddler, was told her condition was terminal I found myself more and more wanting to do something.  Something significant, something personal.

I give financially to charities through work's charitable trust, but decided that this time I wanted to do something different.  So for the last 12 months I have let my hair grow and today, in the middle of the office, my colleague took a pair of scissors to it and snipped through two long plaits (it's about 10 inches in total).

The hair is being donated to The Little Princess Trust who are a charity that make wigs for children undergoing chemotherapy and who have lost their own hair.

I just hope that a child somewhere can benefit from this gift.

And now I must go dye what is left of my hair as it's appearing very very grey again....... tempted by the electric blue or ultra violet, but alas I think I shall be boring and go for burgundy again...

Random mumblings for a Thursday

It was my fourth day in the week of the "Workplace Hokey Cokey" today, which meant a second day of the week out of the office, and if all goes to plan we get to the "shaking it all about" day tomorrow - but hell it's Friday, and I only have 3 more working days before Christmas now.... which Eeep!  means Christmas is how soon??  Must get organised!

Today I have wrapped presents, and carried out the bondage of inanimate objects with pretty bits of ribbon .... I also almost successfully fended off the critters whilst doing so ... though Gretchen did manage to get the whole roll of wrapping paper off the kitchen table and into the yard at one point... Luckily the snow had more or less melted by then!

I have also knitted a beard...... no seriously....  and over the weekend, because when yesterday I muttered at a friend "I fail at finding you something, tell me what you want for Christmas" she said "a woolly hat, a purple woolly hat"..... so yes, that will be the challenge for the weekend, one purple woolly hat... thank goodness she wants purple cos that's one colour that the yarn stash has a lot of.

Am off to have a relatively early night now, which must start with washing my hair as tomorrow my year of growing my hair comes to an end as another of my colleagues will be wielding the scissors as 10 inches or so gets taken off for charity....of which I will be posting tomorrow.....

midweek festive music...

Well I did say that festive for me started on 14th December, which it did, with a bang, when I made the kettle explode at 6 am, before I'd managed to have a coffee! The end of the world I tell you!!

Anyway a couple of tunes that I've heard a fair bit on the radio recently one of which I adore, one of which is growing on me though I didn't expect it would...

Ok, not surprising that I like this given that I am a huge Editors fan, and not adverse to any of Andy Burrows projects either (I Am Arrows, Razorlight etc)

More surprising, as it's not me at all, is this one

Learning curve......

Ten things I have learnt today...

1.  It's not helpful to discover at 6 am that the packet of cream cheese you bought to do cupcake frosting with isn't in fact plain but flavoured with garlic and herbs, particularly when said cupcakes are due at 8 am.

2.  Smart phones and peanut butter do not mix

3.  Wrapping presents in the same room as your cats is a really really stupid idea and will lead to swearing, Sellotaped cats and bleeding hands.

4.  The post man, who normally only ever arrives around midday will arrive with a parcel you need to sign for about 2 minutes after you get in the shower

5.  The rubbish collection may well have to be left exactly where the bin men tell you, but they can leave your empty bin where they please, including in the middle of the driveway, for you to drive into in the dark

6.  Your "lunchtime" delivery you specially arranged will not arrive till at least 4 pm

7.  Potato wedges straight out the oven bite back and your mouth will suffer

8.  Never under estimate the destructive power of the Gretchen (devil dog incarnate and in her own mind supreme ruler of the galaxy)

9. There will always be something more interesting to do than the criminal law assignment your tutor wants a draft of before Christmas

10.  A very small part of me, if you sneak up on it and squint sideways at it, might possibly be starting to feel festive.

Under the wrapping...

One of my colleagues has this year made representations of each of the team in the form of gingerbread people this is how she sees me…(which I tried to upload but my computer hates me)

Ok, so no, it’s not really me, it’s a generic gingerbread person, if it was me you wouldn’t be able to see anything of the legs as my skirts all come down to my ankles, though the MP3 player being attached is definitely me whilst working

Anyway, because little things can often cause bigger thoughts, this got me thinking about how I see other people, and I suppose how other people see me. 

This really relates to my net friends, who I do not see in person.  I will admit that I frequently “see” people as their avatars …. which means that, if others do the same, I am either a naked cat with an evil stare, or alternatively a small hill…….

I totally respect people’s right not to disclose their identity in photographic or any other form. What someone decides to disclose online is down to them and it would be really hypocritical of me to suggest otherwise.  My full name is accessible online, but then again, it’s a really common name, but I won’t put a picture of me online (hell I don’t have photos of me at all if I can help it – severely camera phobic due to a couple of really bad incidents in the past – including one which resulted in police involvement).  So what you imagine I look like I'll leave totally to your imagination.... which is in itself probably gives rise to some extremely strange possibilities!

Some people seem to get hung up on people’s physical appearance, but to be honest, I am really not all that flapped about what people look like.  The wrapping isn’t really what’s important.  The person inside is what really matters… their opinions, their thoughts, their feelings….. none of which are dependant on what they look like. 

Some of my closest real life friends I got to know first on line and whilst they didn’t look anything like my imagination told me they should (hummm, that maybe more to do with me having a rather vivid imagination) it turned out in every case to be completely unimportant, the relationship we’d built up without knowing what the other looked overrode everything else.  I sometimes think you can actually get to know someone better without seeing them first, or at least, the first physical impressions don’t get in the way of discovering the person inside.

Ok, I’m waffling now, but suffice to say, I’d much rather know the person on the inside rather than just be friends with someone because of their appearance. 

Family stuff....

This may ramble, I need to clear my head if I want any chance of getting some sleep tonight.

I know that I am amazingly lucky with my biological family, I only have to listen to friends to realise that I couldn't actually have had better parents, sure they split up when I was 16, but they've remained friends to this day.  They've always supported me, no matter what I did, they let me make my own mistakes, but never turned their backs on me, they wouldn't automatically pick up the pieces but were always there when I needed them.

Four years ago I came home for Christmas for the first time in about 10 years and one of mum's friends gave me a hug as he was leaving the Christmas eve party she held and said "make sure you look after your mum."  He died that February and I knew immediately that I had to come home... I thought to look after mum.  I found a job over this side of the country, and a house, and had moved by the end of the year.

I was a complete mess, in some ways I still am, but just to get out of the situation I was in was a start and they supported me through that, they still do.  The next Christmas dad came up to stay (he lives south of London).  He had a cold he couldn't shake and we really thought nothing of it.  He and I have birthdays eight days apart so he came back in April and still had the same cold, only now it was a persistent cough and he was wheezing.  With some encouragement (well more like bullying) from my sister he saw his doctor who referred him to one of the London hospitals for tests.  He has a heart/lung condition and for the last two and a half years has needed oxygen 24/7 as well as a whole cabinet full of drugs to keep his heart/lungs working.

The last time I saw dad was in April 2010.  He had deteriorated but was still very much my dad.

My sister and mum have both seen him fairly regularly since then, in fact mum goes down to stay for the weekend next weekend, my sister goes down between Christmas and new year.  Me, well I'll speak to him on the phone, but I can't visit....... no, that's not being fair, I won't visit.

Mum mentioned today that dad is in hospital again, apparently his wife phoned her last night to let her know, because his kidneys are packing up thanks to the lung/heart medication and he is retaining fluid they need to drain off.  It's the early stages of complete organ failure, I have enough medical knowledge to see this.

Nope, still can't make myself go down to see him......... and I am feeling just like the biggest coward in the world.  Mum and my sister tell me how he's deteriorating, how worried they are and I can't say or do a fucking thing, I know he's not going to get better, I know it's only a matter of time.

Part of me wants to see him, to give him a hug, to have him tell me it's all ok, when I know damn well it's not - how selfish am I?

I love my dad to pieces, but I don't want to remember him as being unwell, he was always the strong one who could pick me up and put me back on my feet when my world fell apart, who I could turn to when I needed someone to be strong for me.... I want to remember him like that........ but it just feels so wrong not to go and see him.  I really just, oh, fuck it, I've not a clue what I want, a miracle cure, something, anything, just my dad back.

Side tracked by nikkid women...

I'm sure I was going to blog about something tonight

But then I got side tracked looking for a photo for the Goodreads YA LGBT January short story prompt, which is F/F ... which I may have a slight interest in.... and now I can't remember what I was going to put... so we will go with couple of photos that caught my eye (and which won't be going on a YA site!)

  

 

gradual changes....

Am on a bit of an icing sugar high this evening having just finished making rainbow cupcakes (which look a little like the ones in the picture, but really, seriously, not as posh!)

Now, the reason for a sudden outbreak of cupcake baking (particularly given I've a shed load more to make over the weekend) is that tomorrow I have an LGBT Diversity Group meeting, and it's the third anniversary of the group.

Which got me thinking to how much this group has come to mean to me in the last three years, and how I very nearly didn't even join.

Three years ago I was, frankly, a complete mess.  I'd been with the firm a couple of months, I'd been in my new house (not to mention new city) about a month, and I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I hadn't got a fucking clue who I was any more.  I was also starting to slide badly.  For some reason, when I get over a totally shite period in my life and things start to look like they are coming together, there are positives and things to look forward, I panic, full blown flat out panic.... because of course someone is going to take all that away again aren't they.... well no, but at that point, try telling my mind that!  So at best at that stage I was foundering, and foundering badly.

As far as LGBT issues were concerned, I wasn't a joiner in, at least not by then... I used to be, when I was at University I was elected to the Student Union exec and did a lot of work with the LGBT student rep, I helped put together the LGBT student guide, went on awareness raising events etc... strangely when I kind of came out and was with my ex it all sort of slide by the wayside.  So when we first got the e-mail round at work saying the group was starting I just looked at it and thought, yeah right, and promptly ignored it.

When the reminder of the first meeting came round, giving details of where it would be, and asking for people to come join in I am sure the same thing would have happened, except for one small thing that intervened.  Our office is open plan and in the pods directly opposite me were two mid 20 year old straight male colleagues, who were taking the piss about the whole thing, I think the bit that got me was suggesting they should hang out outside the meeting and identify the gay people......and that was all it took, I was that cross I e-mailed the organiser and said yes, I wanted to join.

Ok, I still was too nervous to approach my manager to ask to go, and I didn't announce where I was going, except to my team leader, when I went to the first meeting....oh how things have changed.  The group have been a great support to me at work, my name is now on the group's internal web page as a contact for other LGBT staff members, I go to socials and educational events that the group run, help out at the firm's Pride stand, and in tomorrow's department diary at 2 pm it states quite clearly for all to read that I am going to the LGBT Diversity Group meeting... and hell I proud of that!

Midweek musical musings...

Quick aside before the music.... I am totally and utterly overwhelmed by the positive responses to my short story posted on the YA LGBT Goodreads group... I never thought for a second I'd get the reaction I have... though my beta readers have both said they reserve the right to say "I told you so" for at least a week!

Anyway, it's Wednesday, which means I have a lazy blogging day and you get something musical instead... Not my usual kind of thing (which you've probably gathered is normally indie/alternative) but this song has played a lot recently on the radio and I think her voice is amazing....

It wasn't me it was my hormones that made me do it

Usually I try and fade into the background, I think it's a result of being large, I don't want to be noticed, so I wear dark colours, I tend to be quite quiet and polite... then again, there are days like today when those around me have discovered that I can be somewhat bossy, sarcastic and completely over protective of my friends and family....

I am blaming hormones and lack of sleep

Though I really fear that in fact it is in fact just, erm, well me....



I have however this evening bitten the bullet and posted my short story ... after a great deal of prodding and a virtual slap around the head from my beta reader .... I feel a bit sick now though and wish I hadn't....

I love my cats, no honestly I do, really....

Word of the day .... Defenestrate

Which is what I wish to do to my cats right now.....

Today they have... pulled the curtains in my bedroom down, destroyed a new packet of toilet rolls, opened a Christmas present I got through the post, appear to have been playing in one of the bookshelves and I've just discovered they've chewed through the wires on the earphones for my MP3 player, which I need tomorrow for work.....

They are both now curled up fast asleep on my bed looking as innocent as it is possible for a cat to look....

I am hiding in the book room till I calm down......

December short story....

Ok have been told to post this somewhere I feel comfortable doing so before I decide to post on the Goodreads forum, this is the inspiration photo and my short story for December (whether I do put it up elsewhere I don't know - I'll see if I feel comfortable having it here first)

With my arms wrapped around him, his head buried in my chest, we stood at the back of the crowd who had gathered on the front lawn of the school for the memorial service; the candles they carried the only light.  Next to the main doors of the school a new shiny brass plaque had been put up, on it were engraved the names of the three students most had come to mourn.

 “Are you sure?  If we do this there is no going back, you’re out.” I cautioned quietly as I rubbed my hands over Jake’s shoulders.  This was a huge step for my football playing boyfriend.  Whilst I had been out to my family and close friends for a while now, he’d been determined, until the shooting, to remain in the closet till after high school, when the issues of scholarships and closed minded jocks where behind him.

“Yes, I have to, we have to,” Jake muttered into my ear.   

“For Jamie.”

“For Jamie,” he confirmed, then squeezing me tightly whispered in my ear, “and for us.”

Pulling back slightly I looked into his face.  “For us?” I queried.

“Yes,” he nodded.  “I don’t want to hide anymore, not after this.”

We wound our way through the crowd, reaching our seats amongst the other seniors as Principal Morgan took his place at the podium set up before the school doors.  Jake sat on one side of me and on the other Keira, the tall willowy blonde who looked more like a stereotypical cheerleader than the Honours student and class president she was reached over and took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.  Mai, the petite oriental girl who was the senior class’s computer and maths genius, who was sitting in the seat beyond lent around her. 

“You came!” she grinned widely, her dark brown eyes shining behind her glasses.  “We’re really doing this?”  A glare from the Vice Principal where she sat with the other teachers to one side of the podium prevented me from replying so I simply nodded.

We listened as Principal Morgan spoke sincerely on the need for better gun control and then detailed the achievements of the three students whose lives had been tragicáally cut short, who would never reach adulthood and who would never take their places in society.

“In closing, I would just like to say that this school and its staff take our responsibility to the students in our care seriously and we will do everything possible to prevent such a tragedy ever happening again.” He paused briefly, looking out over the assembled crowd.  “I would now like to call on our senior class president to say a few words on behalf of the students.”

My gut cramped uncomfortably at his words.  Part of me couldn’t help thinking that if the school really did take their responsibility to the students seriously, if they listened to us, if they actually saw what was happening under their noses then all of this could have been avoided and four lives would not have been wasted.

There was a scatter of polite applause as Principal Morgan returned to his seat and at the same time Keira took her place at the podium.  Looking out over the crowd, and taking a deep breath she glanced quickly towards the assembled staff members as if waiting for confirmation of something before she began to speak.

“As Principal Morgan said, we are here this evening to remember the lives of those students who were tragically and needlessly taken from us, but I would like to take a moment to reflect that whilst the memorial plaque gives the names of three students, in fact there were four lives taken from us in this tragedy, not three.”

There were several gasps from the gathered crowed and even a couple of angry mutters but I didn’t look round, instead I watched as Principal Morgan rose from his seat and tried to move towards the podium, only to be blocked by the Vice Principal.  I couldn’t hear what she said to him as she pushed him back towards his seat, but it looked like she told him to let her speak.

“Whilst ultimately the actions of Jamie Rogers cannot be condoned,” Keira continued.  “I believe it is only right that he too should be remembered as a victim.  Jamie came out to his family and friends when he was fifteen and for the following two years he was subject to a campaign of harassment and bullying, including physical assaults.  At first he said nothing, just accepted what was happening as to be expected.  We might not have actually taken part in the bullying, but many of us saw the hateful words spray painted on his locker, heard the name calling, even saw the bruising, did any of us do anything to stop it?  If we had spoken up, if we had done something, anything, could we have prevented him taking the lives of three other students and his own?

“As a student body we must all share some of the guilt for contributing to the deaths of these four students.” Keira took a deep breath and looked over towards us again; we’d helped her write this speech, we knew what was coming.  “Jamie was not the only gay student at this school, but until recently he was the only out gay student.  Personally, I feel more responsible for what happened than most, because whilst the bullies focused on Jamie, they left me alone.” 

Keira raised her eyes to the crowd in front of her, her voice shook slightly for the first time as she continued.  “You see, I am gay too, yet like everyone else I stood back and did nothing.  So long as the attention was not on me, I was all right.  I will always ask myself if it could have been different, if I could have helped in some way, offered support instead of turning a blind eye to what was happening.

“We must not let the deaths of Dean, Rob, Marisa and Jamie be either forgotten or repeated.  We have to learn from that bullying and harassment, for whatever reason, is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.  From now on I don’t intend to remain silent, I will no longer be invisible in this community and I know there are several others here that feel the same way.”

As she finished speaking I rose to my feet, Jake and Mai on each side of me doing the same.  I had thought it would be just the four of us, but it appeared that others had been quick to catch on to what we were doing.  From the other side of the lawn, where the junior class were sitting, I saw two boys I didn’t recognise make their way to join us.  To my surprise Mr Collins, one of the younger members of the maths department rose to his feet and started moving towards us, a uniformed police officer coming out of the audience to join him. 

When we reached the podium Keira stepped down and moved into Mai’s arms, the smaller girl wrapping herself around her.  As they embraced I looked over at Jake, he was pale, but the look on his face showed his determination to do this.  I raised my eyebrows as I reached out a hand.  His eyes closed and he nodded, his arms coming to meet mine as we came together in front of our friends, family, classmates and the wider community. 

“I love you,” he whispered as his lips brushed mine.

“Always,” I sighed back into his mouth as the crowds around us melted into the background and the only thing that mattered right now was the boy in my arms.

 

bad weather, boredom & perhaps lacking common sense

The dogs woke me up at 4.10 am..... then objected to having to go out cos the weather is crap.  No seriously, squally showers and high winds..... I insisted, they sulked..... they've since spent a lot of the day barking protectively (well they think so I just think it's annoying) at the hoards of demons they are convinced are about to break in through the windows and doors.... they won't accept it's only the wind....

They heating has been on all day and I decreed after running my friend home that it would be a lounging around the house reading trash kind of day.... which I was doing, until my plot bunny jumped up and down lots next to the lap top and insisted I wrote... so I did, and resultant short story for December (very short I may add) is currently with my beta reader for commenting/colouring in highlighters with things she things are wrong ... she gets carried away and colour codes for different things... grammar, spelling, continuity, things that made her go *snerk*....

Anyway, as I hadn't heard back from her I thought I'd relax some more and have a drink.... and then decided I'd re-pierce my ears... you know, re-open the closed up piercings.... which I managed successfully and am back up to 3 earrings one side and 4 the other.... but in hindsight and now the ice I numbed them with is wearing off, might possibly, not have been one of my brightest ideas.....

Sometimes I could kick myself........

I don't suppose anyone can help picking up, lets call them, fair weather friends, as they go through life... I've certainly got my fair share, you know, the ones who take but never give back, that are happy to phone you and spend an hour or so chewing your ear off  about how terrible their lives are and what problems they've got (and expecting you to fix them) but at the same time they can't even mange to say "how are you?"

Now I know I am a mug, well not really, but it feels like that sometimes, because I do let friends do this.... possibly because I've not many of them thanks to the controlling Ex who carefully extracted them one by one over the years without me noticing, but also because I like to believe that should I ever get myself into difficulties and need a friend at least one or two of them might be there for me.  I sometimes wonder if I am deluding myself and they do all just think I am a doormat.

Anyway late last night I had a call from, well one of these friends, which is perhaps not being fair on her, but I am feeling a little bitter, as she is one of those people I do consider to be like family, we've known each other a very long time (long story, but even though she's only 6 years younger than I am I used to babysit for her and her brother/sisters).  For the last 14 months or so she's been quite distant as she's been wrapped up in her oh so new and spangly other half (which will probably tell you what my gut reaction was to him)..... they'd moved in together about 6 months ago and I thought everything was fine, until yesterday.  Things had all imploded and she needed out...

So off I went to collect her in the middle of the night .... made up the spare bed and poured vodka into her and then her into bed.... Today has been about letting my maternal instinct take charge, offering comfort and food (well chocolate but that is just taken as read) whilst I listened and agreed, mainly, whilst being very good not to bad mouth or tell her what I really thought (deciding that honesty can come later when there is distance between what happened)

Then this evening he started texting, and tomorrow she's going to go back and see if they can work things out.....which is fine and her decision, but I can't help feeling perhaps just a tiny bit bitter and a little used.... and the really stupid thing, I know that in a heartbeat I'd do it all again, for her or any of my friends......

I have "days off".......

Ok, yes, we all get them, it's in the contract, but for some reason, no matter how hard I try, when December rolls around I have rather too many to use up than the month allows for... I am in fact not working a whole week till sometime in mid January (and that's with rolling 5 days over to next year)

They nag us and tell us to make sure we take our leave.... and then send us e-mails of virtual whip cracking telling us we are behind target, we need to make sure we get paid, at which point everyone starts yelling at our department cos, hey, were the ones that make sure that this happens (why yes, I do spend most of my days haggling over large amounts of money, or drafting long documents saying why we are worth the money we are charging).  And they wonder why we don't take time off!

Then there is the other problem with days off.... I can't wind down... I shall spend most of tomorrow, and Monday when I am also off, thinking about what I should have done, what could go wrong and whether I should phone in and check....... yeah, cos like that's healthy.....


I did however leave a large sign on my desk warning them of dire retribution of anything remotely looking like a Christmas decoration is put up in my pod (nope, I am not really a killer whale either)... I am so easily distracted by the "oooh sparkly......"

midweek, music and marmite....

It is the middle of the week (though work wise for me only one more day! Yay!!). Which of course means I inflict my musical tastes on anyone wandering through

As my home town was in the (inter)national news .... because the motorway that runs past it was closed due to a spillage of Marmite (love the stuff personally!) which has kept us all in bad jokes for the last two days... i thought I'd go with a couple of bands from the city.  There are loads more, these just happen to be probably two of the most recognisable.

Pulp were probably one of my favourite Brit-pop bands (I am that old) and this is probably my favourite song

Arctic Monkeys... I love the title of this one because it is just such a Sheffield expression

And now I am going to go back to lurking around the net... though the thread I was having to sit on my hands to avoid responding to on one of the goodreads fora has at least disappeared....

lacking confidence........

I feel more and more like the cowardly lion at the moment... this weekend I got nagged at by a friend I visited about (a) submitting my book to an agent and (b) getting my finger out and writing some more of either the 2nd book or ones of the short stories I've started.  Now the being nagged isn't new, she along with other friends who beta for me have been on my back for a while about it... particularly after we've all read some truly appalling YA books recently.

Trouble is, when it comes to sending off the book....I don't think I can cope with the rejection at the moment.  I know getting published isn't easy in this country and I don't want to go down the self publishing route, so I can't avoid having to deal with the rejection letters.  Part of me is torn between the satisfaction of having written it (and having people who I know will be honest about my writing tell me that it's good) and the fear of letting people I don't know and therefore don't know if I can trust read what I've been writing.

I know a lot of this stems from being told in the past that I "can't write" and that what I write is "rubbish".... I also know in somewhere in the depths of my brain that the people who said these things to me ... one an English teacher who thought that this sort of thing would push me forwards and the other my Ex who I know know was just determined to undermine me in any way she could... well, their opinions don't actually matter.... trouble is smothering the tiny part of my brain which knows this is the bigger part of my brain which says, no they are probably right, just leave well alone and stick to reading and write only for yourself.

Gah!  I can actually drive myself completely round the twist having this argument with myself..... particularly when I know full well I am confident enough when at work to argue a matter in Court before a Judge.

I want to do something positive about my writing and the only way I am going to do that is to bite the bullet and let other people read it.... to that end, I am going to try and join in the monthly short story thing on the YA LGBT group on Goodreads ... that is if the picture spawns a plot bunny for me (Rupert... yes, my head plot bunny has a name... has been having "ideas").... If I do write it, I shall then just have to fight for a while with myself as to whether I post it....

Hiding from myself....

Is it possible to read too much?  Only I picked up a couple of books from the sorting office this morning (Bound to Please by Kimberly Gardner and Dash & Dingo by Catt Ford and Sean Kennedy) and I've read one already and am part way through the other.

Now, ok, it's a well known fact that I have no social life, and reading is how I unwind after work (before work, during work), but it is getting, erm stupid.  On Friday I downloaded 2 books and a short from Dreamspinner, which I read the same night/next morning, I re-read three other books over the weekend as well..... I didn't do nothing but read, I did also go out on Saturday for most of the day and Sunday for the whole day.

I can see for myself that I am using the books to hide in rather than facing my own life - possibly because work is relentless pressure and stress at present - the amount of big brother syndrome is starting to seriously freak me out.... though my boss felt I was being a little sarcastic when I asked this morning when we had the CCTV cameras fitted to our shoulders to watch what we were doing all day.

More so perhaps because my head is, to be blunt, little fucked up with lack of sleep and too may thoughts that I don't want to be having, let alone dealing with.

I should, I suppose, try sort my head out and let go of the crap I don't need to carry around in it... particularly those issues which don't involve me directly, which I can do nothing to change but which persist in nagging at me that I ought to do "something" or that if I stop thinking about them it will be almost like I have given up caring, which I haven't at all.  Unfortunately, letting go isn't my strong point and until I can work out how without feeling like shite (or someone pulls me up short and makes me face it) I am going to have to live with it... or at least go hide out in another book till hopefully it goes away.

Drive safely.....

Today has been fun

well, except for one thing

I have discovered that in unexpected winter sunshine, care should be taken when lowering the sun visor on the car for the first time in ages....

I speak from having had the experience of failing to take such measures and as a result being slightly shocked (ok, I'll admit, shocked to the state of high pitched girly squealing) when a large hairy spider leapt off the visor towards me, landing on my chest, as I was driving along....

Luckily nothing was coming in the opposite direction as I swerved across the carriageway having taken both hands off the steering wheel whilst I attempted to extract said spider from my person.


The spider was later extracted from the moving vehicle..... I do not feel particularly guilty about this!

Waste of a weekend....

Even without a social life, the trouble with working full time and running round after rent a mob (particularly given their current routine of getting me up at 4.45 am) is that by the weekend, hell no, by Friday night, I am too tired to do, well, anything much.

I want to spend my weekends doing fun and exciting things... or failing that writing... but alas there is always the joys of the housework, the laundry, supermarket shopping and all the other not so fun and exciting chores.  I found myself wishing this morning as I stared at the collection of dog hair that was threatening to mutate into some sort of alien creature with a will to take over the world (or at least kill my hoover) that I had a cleaner, or possibly a housewife.

Now a cleaner is not an option - I can't afford one for a start, and secondly I'd probably have to pay them danger money to cope with the critters!  Housewife ... hum, yeah, no that's not going to happen... every relationship I've been in, even where we've both worked full time, I am the one that tends to be the more domestic...

So today, between playing taxi driver for my mother and doing laundry (twice - because the last load I did I used the wrong washing powder - which I am allergic too - and only realised after I'd been wearing clothes washed in it.... not a good thing being allergic to your own underwear!) I have been good and done my housework... cos no other bugger is going to do it for me. 

At least tomorrow I get a more fun day as I am off to a friends for the day to meet her new Hell Kitten (TM) and to be ladies that lunch...

Just another Thursday...

While in the UK we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, I know that a lot of my cyber friends will be celebrating today and I hope they all have a fantastic day with their loved ones, whether they be biological or chosen family and friends.

So, whilst all is rather quiet on the net I have been thinking of the things that I am thankful for…….. or rather, having a think about how my glass is half full….

I am thankful for….

Having a roof over my head,

Having a job I enjoy,

That means I am able to put food on the table and heat my home

The fact that my illness, whilst permanent, is not terminal

That I have access to the medical treatment and medication I need

The animals which I share my home and life with,

Who might annoy the hell out of me at times,

but they also keep me sane and make me get out of bed in a morning

The fact that I live in a place where I can live my life as I choose to do

Where I can be open about who I am without having to live in fear

The love and support of my family and friends

And the ability to love and support them in return

Ok, and now I’ve said all that I just want to give everyone a hug …

Melodies for the midweek ....

Or something like that!

This week's bands are brought to you by the letter "V".  Both of them are on my current writing playlist.

First up, Villagers.. who I saw support Elbow back in March... they were very good but not quite ready for an arena size tour even in support, friends who went with us wanted to take them home and mother them for a while...

And secondly, The Vaccines, who I am hoping to go see in the near future...

Bah Humbug.....

Ah, it is the season..... for the annual appearance of my inner Grinch!

Not even the end of November and the Christmas spirit is a little frayed around the edges.... don't get me wrong, I love Christmas.... in December though..  preferably say, from about the 14th onwards...

Today I have seen lots of Christmas lights, I have heard carols, I have been told how many posting days, buying days, delivery days etc till Christmas.  I know who in the office has written their cards, finished their shopping (yeah, so not helped by the fact that I am a last minute organiser - hey I get there in the end though!)

Added to which I have had to choose what I want for my Christmas dinner thing at work... I've avoided going every year so far, but no excuse this time, apparently... though the vegetarian option isn't really an option yet again...

They are threatening to trim up the office next week...... which I steadfastly refuse to get involved in.. hell I am easily distracted in a sort of "ooh pretty" way by stuff I already have on my desk (ok, well phone and internet).. put sparkly tinsel and stuff up and I'm doomed to do no work at all!

I shall do festive, eventually...maybe with the help of the Spirit of Christmas... which in my case is Vodka, large one....

Being thankful for rainbows

I wasn't up super early this morning, it was only just after 5 am when we stumbled back in from a brief limp round the park (hip improving rapidly thank goodness - bruise now purple and green - pretty!)... and I was half listening to the radio 45 minutes later when "pause for thought" - which is a multi faith 5 minutes of reflective time - came on.

The Liberal Rabbi was speaking about how although in the UK we don't celebrate Thanks Giving we should remember to be thankful for what we had.  One of the things she mentioned was that in Judaism there is a brief prayer of thanks or blessing for when you see a rainbow.

Now, this struck a chord, not in terms of seeing a physical rainbow, which always makes me smile, but rather reminded me that I am thankful for my own rainbow... or rather the rainbow friends I am lucky enough to share my life with.  These people help me understand more about myself, they help me to learn and grow, to accept and to love.


So, whether you are a friend in real life or a more distant cyber friend, thank you, for helping to make my life complete

The label game again

Well, after last night's adventures I am feeling a little stiff and sore, and have a lovely purple bruise the shape (and feels like size, but no really, not that big) of Africa on my right hip...

As I am feeling a little more coherent I thought I'd clear my mind a bit and get out of my system the post I was planning last night.

So I know full well what NSFW means, but sometimes my hand eye co-ordination isn't so good and I accidentally hit the wrong link when I'm surfing, no huge issue, unless you hit a NSFW thread, whilst you're at work, with a colleague standing behind you....  Now some of my colleagues know I read M/M books, after all they've made the mistake of asking what I'm reading at lunch time, to which I will just hand them the book.... but the person standing behind me a week or so back was a lovely lad who has slight autism and on occasion will say the first thing that comes into his head.

The picture that he saw on my screen was of an obviously male naked backside... could have been worse :o)... and his first comment was....."but I thought you were a lesbian".....

Now my initial reaction was to just say that yes, I am a lesbian, and that it was just a picture... but then he started asking all sorts of questions as to why I would look at pictures of naked men if I liked women.... luckily lunch finished then and I got out of answering the awkward questions.....at least to him, in my mind they've been nagging at me for a while.


I've mentioned before that I never really had to come out thanks to my upbringing and having the most fantastic open minded parents who taught my sister and I (and anyone else they came into contact with) that so long as you loved it didn't matter who or what.  I've also been extremely lucky never to have been on the receiving end of any homophobic bullying or harassment ...... hum, ok, one comment maybe does spring to mind now I think about it... which was that I only said I was a lesbian because I was too fat to find a boyfriend... which I think was more about size than sexuality... and was definitely more to do with their ignorance

Ok, so as far as looking at pictures goes, I am a big fan of the human body in any form, humans in general are beautiful... I can look at pictures of either sex and find them attractive, I particularly like muscle structure and eyes in humans....but pictures actually do very little for me in a whole getting physically turned on kind of sense.  (Now I think about it put a picture of a large cat, or a wolf in front of me and I can appreciate that too.... not sure what that says about me!).  Maybe I just appreciate a good photograph?

Now I'm not a big fan of labels, and yes, I'll admit that I label myself as a lesbian, but am I actually being honest with myself? Or perhaps I do this for convenience... after all a lot of lesbian's have real issue as those who identify as Bi (erroneously so in my opinion, - no not the identification, the having an issue with it - but then again, they are not me and the only person I have a right to label is myself)

Now I fully subscribe to the theory that the basis of physical attraction is at least in part a matter more of pheromones than anything else.  I am about 90% certain that if I ever risk another relationship it will be with a woman, it's what I feel more comfortable with. it's what I first think when asked to consider the future.  There is however that small part of me that refuses to rule out that any future relationship wouldn't be with a man.  I can't actually feel that there is anything wrong with this either.

I know I am attracted to males as well as females... my early relationships (by which I mean longer than a week or so) were all with men, but in the last 12 years or so all my relationships have been with women.
Interestingly I like females to be definitely female and males to be definitely male...... Mind you, I am a complete sucker for either sex if they happen to have longish brown hair, green eyes and lots of eyelashes......

I think maybe I just shouldn't worry about it... like oh, probably 80% of those that ever read this post I should just label myself as "human"................... (the other 20% being spambots, cats who've learnt to use the pc to check up on what their owners are doing and possibly the odd alien or two....)

A not what I planned post....

I have been having some thoughts swirling around my head recently about physical attraction and my own sexuality, which I was going to try to put down in words this evening

However, I mopped the floor when I came in from work, then fed the dogs, went upstairs, fed the cats, got changed, came downstairs and, erm, forgot how slippery the kitchen floor gets...... until I slid across it and crashed into the dog bed, then fell, hitting my shoulder on the radiator on the way down and landing, incredibly inelegantly on my right hip...

After clawing my way to my feet again I have applied Arnica, tablets and gel, followed by taking my pain meds slightly early and reclining on the sofa with a book.  When that wasn't really working after an hour I added an ice pack (well a packet of frozen peas) and a couple or three glasses of medicinal vodka.

Not in quite as much pain now, but am definitely not coherent enough to put down in words what I am trying to get out my head.

So now I shall go lie on the bed and curse that of all the hips I had to land on (no really, there was only a choice of two) it's the one on the same side as my back injury.....

Friendship contracts.........

For the last couple of nights my friend MrsHobbitWife (no obviously not her real name, but if you follow me on twitter, then yes, the name will be familiar) and I have been companion writing… that is to say, she is trying to do her assignment for her OU course, whereas I am scribbling fiction…

We then exchange what we’ve been writing and comment on it….. she is my main beta reader, editor and cheerleader (and handily has kids in the YA range who will also read for me)…. I still think she’s the better writer out of the two of us, she disagrees. 

Last night, having rounded up rent-a-mob and forced them into their crates … I swear they develop new tricks on a nightly basis to avoid going to bed...  I’d moseyed off upstairs and ended up on MSN talking to MrsHW about, well, absolutely everything and anything… though for some reasons our conversations whilst they start off pretty sane and normal seem to always descend quite swiftly to somewhere below gutter level… (last night we ended up with discussing where the fetish gear was safely kept and the real reason for thornless roses being developed….. apparently it’s less painful than the thorned versions when your being whipped with them and has the bonus that the petals fall off and float about like a cheesy 70’s port movie…….. yes, I know, just don’t ask!)

Anyway, at one point one of my cats leapt on my shoulder and missed, scratching all down one shoulder on her way back to the floor.  I typed my cursing in reaction and got back *snigger*,,, and so the conversation continued along the lines of I moaned that it wasn’t nice of her to laugh, to which she said it was okay for her to do this as it was in the contract…. Which started a whole string of comments about what was and wasn’t in the small print of the friendship contract we had….(turned out it wasn’t the friendship contract she was reading but the washing machine instructions… no I’ve never studied the small print on that one either…)

So, after I’d read for a bit, tried to sleep, and then given up I started thinking about the concept of friendship contracts… as you do at 1.00 am with mounting dread that the dogs will be going off in a little over 3 hours and you’ve work in the morning….the thing I came up with is that yes, we do have a friendship contract, hell everyone I am friends with there is some sort of friendship contract… friendship being offered and accepted much like a contract… and while the terms of no two friendships contracts are the same, they also change over time as friendships develop, or in some cases fall away… yes sometimes one party will be in breach of contract (see my inner lawyer appear)….but as a general rule for me at least none of my contracts are one sided, friendship is a two way street ...... as for the small print, that’s up to each friend to work out the limits on it for themselves.

middle of the week... must be the music post..

Having been having a rather grim time at work, where my earphones are constantly in, I've been playing a lot of these two singers/bands.. bands by name, but both fronted by seriously strong female singers... both of which are, in my humble opinion, also rather nice to look at too...

Right, off to indulge myself with pizza and some writing......