lacking confidence........

I feel more and more like the cowardly lion at the moment... this weekend I got nagged at by a friend I visited about (a) submitting my book to an agent and (b) getting my finger out and writing some more of either the 2nd book or ones of the short stories I've started.  Now the being nagged isn't new, she along with other friends who beta for me have been on my back for a while about it... particularly after we've all read some truly appalling YA books recently.

Trouble is, when it comes to sending off the book....I don't think I can cope with the rejection at the moment.  I know getting published isn't easy in this country and I don't want to go down the self publishing route, so I can't avoid having to deal with the rejection letters.  Part of me is torn between the satisfaction of having written it (and having people who I know will be honest about my writing tell me that it's good) and the fear of letting people I don't know and therefore don't know if I can trust read what I've been writing.

I know a lot of this stems from being told in the past that I "can't write" and that what I write is "rubbish".... I also know in somewhere in the depths of my brain that the people who said these things to me ... one an English teacher who thought that this sort of thing would push me forwards and the other my Ex who I know know was just determined to undermine me in any way she could... well, their opinions don't actually matter.... trouble is smothering the tiny part of my brain which knows this is the bigger part of my brain which says, no they are probably right, just leave well alone and stick to reading and write only for yourself.

Gah!  I can actually drive myself completely round the twist having this argument with myself..... particularly when I know full well I am confident enough when at work to argue a matter in Court before a Judge.

I want to do something positive about my writing and the only way I am going to do that is to bite the bullet and let other people read it.... to that end, I am going to try and join in the monthly short story thing on the YA LGBT group on Goodreads ... that is if the picture spawns a plot bunny for me (Rupert... yes, my head plot bunny has a name... has been having "ideas").... If I do write it, I shall then just have to fight for a while with myself as to whether I post it....