Sitting on my hands.....

I am in that difficult situation of having to sit on my hands and not type a response I'd like to to a comment on a thread on the Goodreads YA LGBT group... I didn't think it bothered me, turns out, after 24 hours or so of thinking it through.. you know what, actually it does....

The book of the month for February looks like, for the first time, being a F/F one rather than an M/M one - which given that the group is all inclusive should be fine.  Ok, I appreciate that some may not have read an F/F book before, may feel a bit iffy about it, or may sit out .... that's up to them.... though as it's YA it's not going to be explicit or possibly do anything but fade out an implied incident.

What I didn't expect was a comment as follows:  "Lesbians make me nervous"

Now because I couldn't leave it initially I responded by saying that as a lesbian I wasn't sure how to take that (and pointed out that I don't think I'm particularly scary).... now the original poster clarified that he didn't mean to offend, and well, no, he didn't because if lesbians make him nervous that's a personal statement not a ground for offence and then went onto explain that basically the only lesbians he knew were quite fierce butch ones  (as an aside - I did point out that some butch type lesbians actually make me nervous... but probably not in the way he means!  that said groups of children hanging about on street corners make me nervous, straight men in bars make me nervous)

Anyway, someone else then responded that maybe only the fierce ones felt safe (in that particular area) being out enough to be recognised .....and this is what has got me thinking WTF and wanting to respond...... "recognised" sorry.. do we have to have some sort of sign on us to enable us to be recognised in public settings?  I didn't think we were going down the route of having to identify your sexuality by your appearance... hell just stick a label on someone why don't you so you can "recognise" them if they don't fall into the "oh you must be a lesbian because of the way you look" category!

Unsurprisingly I know a fair few lesbians, only a very small percentage of which could be described as butch - many of which are what actually very young just out lesbians who aren't fierce at all... but you know what, most of the rest of us look just like, well, most other females you come across.....

Not being funny... but if someone had suggested that it was a pity that only effeminate gay men had the confidence to be out and "recognised" I am sure someone would have made noises about it.......

As much as I'd like to stand up and point out that actually the comments are giving people perhaps the wrong idea about stereotyping and labelling, I can't help but feel that the location of the thread would be inappropriate for me to start what would be really a mini rant...... though then again, any young lesbian coming across it may be put off..... argh, I wish I could decide what to do for the best, until then I shall go back to sitting on my hands......

The label game again

Well, after last night's adventures I am feeling a little stiff and sore, and have a lovely purple bruise the shape (and feels like size, but no really, not that big) of Africa on my right hip...

As I am feeling a little more coherent I thought I'd clear my mind a bit and get out of my system the post I was planning last night.

So I know full well what NSFW means, but sometimes my hand eye co-ordination isn't so good and I accidentally hit the wrong link when I'm surfing, no huge issue, unless you hit a NSFW thread, whilst you're at work, with a colleague standing behind you....  Now some of my colleagues know I read M/M books, after all they've made the mistake of asking what I'm reading at lunch time, to which I will just hand them the book.... but the person standing behind me a week or so back was a lovely lad who has slight autism and on occasion will say the first thing that comes into his head.

The picture that he saw on my screen was of an obviously male naked backside... could have been worse :o)... and his first comment was....."but I thought you were a lesbian".....

Now my initial reaction was to just say that yes, I am a lesbian, and that it was just a picture... but then he started asking all sorts of questions as to why I would look at pictures of naked men if I liked women.... luckily lunch finished then and I got out of answering the awkward questions.....at least to him, in my mind they've been nagging at me for a while.


I've mentioned before that I never really had to come out thanks to my upbringing and having the most fantastic open minded parents who taught my sister and I (and anyone else they came into contact with) that so long as you loved it didn't matter who or what.  I've also been extremely lucky never to have been on the receiving end of any homophobic bullying or harassment ...... hum, ok, one comment maybe does spring to mind now I think about it... which was that I only said I was a lesbian because I was too fat to find a boyfriend... which I think was more about size than sexuality... and was definitely more to do with their ignorance

Ok, so as far as looking at pictures goes, I am a big fan of the human body in any form, humans in general are beautiful... I can look at pictures of either sex and find them attractive, I particularly like muscle structure and eyes in humans....but pictures actually do very little for me in a whole getting physically turned on kind of sense.  (Now I think about it put a picture of a large cat, or a wolf in front of me and I can appreciate that too.... not sure what that says about me!).  Maybe I just appreciate a good photograph?

Now I'm not a big fan of labels, and yes, I'll admit that I label myself as a lesbian, but am I actually being honest with myself? Or perhaps I do this for convenience... after all a lot of lesbian's have real issue as those who identify as Bi (erroneously so in my opinion, - no not the identification, the having an issue with it - but then again, they are not me and the only person I have a right to label is myself)

Now I fully subscribe to the theory that the basis of physical attraction is at least in part a matter more of pheromones than anything else.  I am about 90% certain that if I ever risk another relationship it will be with a woman, it's what I feel more comfortable with. it's what I first think when asked to consider the future.  There is however that small part of me that refuses to rule out that any future relationship wouldn't be with a man.  I can't actually feel that there is anything wrong with this either.

I know I am attracted to males as well as females... my early relationships (by which I mean longer than a week or so) were all with men, but in the last 12 years or so all my relationships have been with women.
Interestingly I like females to be definitely female and males to be definitely male...... Mind you, I am a complete sucker for either sex if they happen to have longish brown hair, green eyes and lots of eyelashes......

I think maybe I just shouldn't worry about it... like oh, probably 80% of those that ever read this post I should just label myself as "human"................... (the other 20% being spambots, cats who've learnt to use the pc to check up on what their owners are doing and possibly the odd alien or two....)

It's not rocket science....

I have been distracted today.  My mind was not at all on my work, instead I flitted around the net on my phone (and on the work computer for sites I can get to).  The reason for this… well my personality is such that I am one of those people who worries about others, and they don’t even have to be people I’ve met in real life.  So when something unexpected happens I tend to whittle about the people involved.

I hate people getting hurt, either physically or emotionally, and online where you can’t see the reaction you it seems to make people forget what's decent and you get a level of emotional abuse, probably unthinkingly inflicted, but which goes well over the line I set for cruelty.  I say unthinkingly because, in my heart of hearts, I would hope that it’s unintentional, that they don’t realise that they are doing it – naïve possibly, hopeful definitely.

I hate seeing people being picked on, disrespected, not listened to, dismissed… you get the picture.  If people choose to share their lives you with, no matter the medium, you owe them something back…you owe them respect, you don’t have to say anything to them, you may just read their opinions and points of view (which of course you don’t have to agree with – but you do have to respect their position).  If you don’t agree with something why mud sling? Why not just calmly walk away and don’t read anymore?  Why dismiss someone else’s point of view? Why not agree to disagree?

I am sick of finding myself on forums of what I believe to be like minded people only to discover in fact there are full of people with their own agendas and cliques.  As I’ve mentioned before I don’t post much on the sites I use, but I do read, and I like to enjoy what I read, I don’t want to read about intolerance, stirring or backstabbing. Flame wars achieve nothing but hurt and anger.  I want to use forums where I feel welcome, and to some extent safe to voice my opinion or thoughts and not to be jumped on about it.

The amount of personal hatred and anger displayed on some sites I’ve visited recently saddens me and scares me to think that in real life people are like this… sure you won’t get along with everyone you come across in life, but you don’t abuse them…. Just because you can’t physically see someone doesn’t stop it from being abuse either.  Cyber hate crimes and bullying are unacceptable, full stop.

So, three little words that I am thinking about a lot (no not I love you, thought those are nice little words to hear whether it’s from a partner, family or friend) 

Tolerance

Acceptance

Understanding

It’s really not rocket science.

Who on earth is this person?

*clears throat*

Ok, first post, so, introduction.... Who am I?

This is not me!

Well, society’s definition – I am a middle aged, professional, fat, disabled, lesbian..... there now if you’re still with me and haven’t run away already I’d better add something.... I hate labels, labels put people in boxes, people don’t belong in boxes, people should be free to be whoever they damn well please to be.

So, breaking it down, middle aged, erm, yeah, technically I suppose, trouble is mentally I’m probably still somewhere in my early 20’s on a good day (though some may say I tend to round out mentally at about age 16).

Professional.., I have a full time job, in a law firm, so I guess you could say that, but, as yet, I am not actually qualified to do the job I am doing .... working on that one. Trouble is, I am not sure that what I am doing now is actually what I want to do when I grow up – ah yes, that not really being able to act my age again.

Fat, well, yes, no getting away from that one, over average size, but hey, guess what still human, still have feelings, still have emotions, wants and needs... Sometimes it’s difficult for people to see past the outside, but as I’ve been overly large my whole life I’ve learnt that this is their problem if they can’t see past it.

Disabled, physically yes, I have rheumatoid arthritis and a while ago i injured my back quite badly when someone pulled a chair out from behind me and I fell backwards.  Sure, I can’t run, climb walls, roller skate or such like, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t a million things out there I can enjoy.

Lesbian, yep, woman who loves other women, though I am not apparently obviously a lesbian....  Apparently I shouldn’t have long hair, wear skirts, like alternative indie music, read M/M romance/erotica etc, etc... Obviously the people who have told me this feel that I should be more stereotypical.... oh wait, the stereotype was created by straight people!

Because I got into a bit of a funk about these labels I asked some friends to describe me in one word... apparently I am.... caring, intelligent, stubborn, eccentric, creative, warm, bossy and because one of my friends can never stick to just one word... mad as a box of frogs. 

What else....I will read anything put in front of me but my preferences are for crime fiction, M/M romance/erotica, fantasy, science fiction, historical novels and children’s/YA – particularly GO.  The only thing I actively dislike reading (apart from anything work related ) is standard Chick Lit... oh I don’t go a bundle on F/F lit – but mainly cos it appears to be either trying too hard to be intelligent or aimed as stroke fic for straight me.

I also write and listen to a lot of music, I am a bit of a lyrics nerd and a lot of my stories will grow out of one or two lines from a song that lodge in my head and whisper to me.

Ok, enough rambling for now.. thanks for reading if you’ve stuck through to the end!