Anyone who has read my random witterings
since I started this blog will know that I have some issues revolving around my
state of mind… and whilst some are long standing a lot have been the result of
the evil ex and trying to come to terms with some of the stuff I was put
through in the so called relationship we had.
(I really like to avoid using the term “mental health” because one of
the things that the ex did was threaten to have me committed to a mental
hospital, and even told my mother and sister that she thought I was
insane…..yes, I know, realistically she had no grounds for even suggesting it,
but the whole thing still makes me feel shaky and a bit sick).
Anyway, every once in a while things get on
top of me and very occasionally I will admit I need help… such a thing happened
back in about June this year when after nearly two weeks of not sleeping, not
eating properly, hiding and obsessing about things that were nothing to do with
me (cos yes, everyone else’s problems are much easier to find solutions for in
an attempt to avoid looking at your own) I was persuaded by some friends (or
threatened, look at it as you will) to go see my doctor.
Now, I shouldn’t gripe, because hell at
least we have a free (ish) health service (at the moment!) but really, getting
past the doctors receptionist unless you’ve got proof you are about to expire
in the next hour or so is nigh on impossible.
So anyway, as I was not at risk of causing harm to myself (not my method
of coping – I live with constant pain, I have been in severe pain, causing
myself physical pain to ease mental pain is not something I can see working for
me so have never been remotely pulled down that route… besides which, the level
of painkillers I take to cope with normal life would probably result in having
to slice my arm off before I got any sort of pain reaction) I was told that I’d
have to take a routine appointment, four days later.
So, when I eventually got to see a doctor
(actually my doctor, which is probably the first time in 2 years), having
admitted to myself that there was perhaps a bit of a problem I had already
managed to get part way towards pulling my head out the sand on some issues and
facing what I’d been happily avoiding for, erm, quite a while on some things…
Now because of the PTC/BIH my doctor is somewhat phobic of prescribing me,
well, anything and has a habit of referring me off to hospital for anything
more than a common cold, but as I was pretty adamant I didn’t need to see a
psychiatrist (part of my pain management treatment involves seeing the pain
psych every six months – just to check that you are dealing with your pain
appropriately, not just hoping it will all go away – so I know that all they
will do is review you and suggest medication which is not the route I am going
– been there done that, my personality is screwed up enough already without
adding drugs to suppress emotions) it was suggested perhaps they could arrange
some counselling. That said, the way it
works round here is that you have to self refer for counselling, so they just
give you the form to fill in and drop back into the surgery…. which I did,
straight away, before leaving the surgery… and then promptly forgot about it
and got on with using coping methods (talking, writing, admitting that my head
was not a happy place to be at times… drinking vodka.. no, not really… I do
have a bottle of vodka in the freezer, it’s been there since last Easter, it’s
still over half full… I don’t actually drink unless there are people round or
I’ve gone out, and then only very little… I think I got over the whole drinking
thing when I was a student but that is a whole different story…)
I digress (probably because I am writing
this whilst at work in a method of avoiding actually doing anything remotely
like working and I daren’t spend any longer on the internet or I shall get
named and shamed on the list of 100 naughtiest internet users which gets handed
round all the partners/supervisors and then I shall get yelled at … erm…
again…ok, I’ve not been that bad in 3
and a bit years I’ve only made the list twice… which is twice more than
most people in this department). Anyway,
in this morning’s post, yes six months later, I get an offer of 6 counselling
sessions, starting in mid February. Ooh,
8 months from when I referred….. yeah, bit late really, and I’ve managed to
work through some of the major issues I was having, if not completely fixed I
am now being a little more reasonable about them, and with myself. Well that was my first reaction, but if I
turn it down then should in the future I have to refer again they will probably
tell me to get lost (well no, probably not in those words). Then I had a think and there is some pretty
naff stuff that if it’s not going on in my life right I am probably going to
have to face at some point soon and that I could probably do with talking
through with someone who is removed from the situation so I think I shall go
along for at least the intro session and see if I get on with this counsellor
(I’ve only ever not got one with one counsellor, immediate hackles up kind of
situation when 20 mins into the intro session I stood up, said thank you but
this won’t work and left…).
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