Family stuff....

This may ramble, I need to clear my head if I want any chance of getting some sleep tonight.

I know that I am amazingly lucky with my biological family, I only have to listen to friends to realise that I couldn't actually have had better parents, sure they split up when I was 16, but they've remained friends to this day.  They've always supported me, no matter what I did, they let me make my own mistakes, but never turned their backs on me, they wouldn't automatically pick up the pieces but were always there when I needed them.

Four years ago I came home for Christmas for the first time in about 10 years and one of mum's friends gave me a hug as he was leaving the Christmas eve party she held and said "make sure you look after your mum."  He died that February and I knew immediately that I had to come home... I thought to look after mum.  I found a job over this side of the country, and a house, and had moved by the end of the year.

I was a complete mess, in some ways I still am, but just to get out of the situation I was in was a start and they supported me through that, they still do.  The next Christmas dad came up to stay (he lives south of London).  He had a cold he couldn't shake and we really thought nothing of it.  He and I have birthdays eight days apart so he came back in April and still had the same cold, only now it was a persistent cough and he was wheezing.  With some encouragement (well more like bullying) from my sister he saw his doctor who referred him to one of the London hospitals for tests.  He has a heart/lung condition and for the last two and a half years has needed oxygen 24/7 as well as a whole cabinet full of drugs to keep his heart/lungs working.

The last time I saw dad was in April 2010.  He had deteriorated but was still very much my dad.

My sister and mum have both seen him fairly regularly since then, in fact mum goes down to stay for the weekend next weekend, my sister goes down between Christmas and new year.  Me, well I'll speak to him on the phone, but I can't visit....... no, that's not being fair, I won't visit.

Mum mentioned today that dad is in hospital again, apparently his wife phoned her last night to let her know, because his kidneys are packing up thanks to the lung/heart medication and he is retaining fluid they need to drain off.  It's the early stages of complete organ failure, I have enough medical knowledge to see this.

Nope, still can't make myself go down to see him......... and I am feeling just like the biggest coward in the world.  Mum and my sister tell me how he's deteriorating, how worried they are and I can't say or do a fucking thing, I know he's not going to get better, I know it's only a matter of time.

Part of me wants to see him, to give him a hug, to have him tell me it's all ok, when I know damn well it's not - how selfish am I?

I love my dad to pieces, but I don't want to remember him as being unwell, he was always the strong one who could pick me up and put me back on my feet when my world fell apart, who I could turn to when I needed someone to be strong for me.... I want to remember him like that........ but it just feels so wrong not to go and see him.  I really just, oh, fuck it, I've not a clue what I want, a miracle cure, something, anything, just my dad back.