Sometimes I could kick myself........

I don't suppose anyone can help picking up, lets call them, fair weather friends, as they go through life... I've certainly got my fair share, you know, the ones who take but never give back, that are happy to phone you and spend an hour or so chewing your ear off  about how terrible their lives are and what problems they've got (and expecting you to fix them) but at the same time they can't even mange to say "how are you?"

Now I know I am a mug, well not really, but it feels like that sometimes, because I do let friends do this.... possibly because I've not many of them thanks to the controlling Ex who carefully extracted them one by one over the years without me noticing, but also because I like to believe that should I ever get myself into difficulties and need a friend at least one or two of them might be there for me.  I sometimes wonder if I am deluding myself and they do all just think I am a doormat.

Anyway late last night I had a call from, well one of these friends, which is perhaps not being fair on her, but I am feeling a little bitter, as she is one of those people I do consider to be like family, we've known each other a very long time (long story, but even though she's only 6 years younger than I am I used to babysit for her and her brother/sisters).  For the last 14 months or so she's been quite distant as she's been wrapped up in her oh so new and spangly other half (which will probably tell you what my gut reaction was to him)..... they'd moved in together about 6 months ago and I thought everything was fine, until yesterday.  Things had all imploded and she needed out...

So off I went to collect her in the middle of the night .... made up the spare bed and poured vodka into her and then her into bed.... Today has been about letting my maternal instinct take charge, offering comfort and food (well chocolate but that is just taken as read) whilst I listened and agreed, mainly, whilst being very good not to bad mouth or tell her what I really thought (deciding that honesty can come later when there is distance between what happened)

Then this evening he started texting, and tomorrow she's going to go back and see if they can work things out.....which is fine and her decision, but I can't help feeling perhaps just a tiny bit bitter and a little used.... and the really stupid thing, I know that in a heartbeat I'd do it all again, for her or any of my friends......

Sometimes there is minor ranting....

We had an outbreak of children in the office today - that is to say, someone dropped in on their day off bringing their kids with them, then there were the photos of the new baby born last week to one of my other colleagues.  So as we all fawned over said children I ended up with one hanging onto my arm, at which point someone turned round and said with some surprise "You're actually really good with kids!"

The conversation then went via, "it's a pity you won't have children of your own" to "oh, at least you've got the dogs."  At which point my boss told us to go back to work whilst I gritted my teeth and stewed furiously about what was said.

Firstly, yes, I am actually good with children... I actually had every intention of becoming a primary school teacher - until I messed up my A Levels that is.

So far as "it's a pity I won't have children goes" .... erm, won't?  FFS these people work in a firm that runs regular seminars on pink parenting!  Thing is, what they don't realise is that in my case it's not a case of won't but rather can't - as I discovered the hard way.  Technically I should have a 17 year old daughter, but after a miscarriage at 5 months they discovered that my immune system is so wonderfully screwed up that i would never carry a child to term as my own body won't tolerate the "invader". 

Looking back now yeah, sure I have regrets, but I couldn't have offered a stable home at 20 years old. Added to which my child was the result of a pity fuck (best friend at Uni, he wasn't coming back to complete his degree and we didn't know if we'd see each other again after the summer and well, one thing lead to another...) plus the week after I lost her I have horribly vivid memories of standing in a phone box (yep, I'm old it was pre mobiles being something everyone had) on a dark, wet February night and him telling me that he'd be getting married in the summer to a divorcee with two young kids... I figured he probably didn't need or want to know...

It took a long time to accept I'd never have kids, hell for about 8 years I couldn't go near babies - until I had no choice and ended up being a friend's birthing partner when she went into labour and her drunken husband got thrown out the hospital. 

Then there was the last comment - my dogs, sheesh, they are dogs people, not children, they aren't human, they don't grow up (well they do in their own way) and as much as I love them and technically they are part of my family, they are still, you know, dogs.

I am quite happy to live vicariously through other peoples children and can let my maternal instinct run wild with my friends kids.  It has been noted that I will "mother" anyone - it doesn't even need to be children - hell throw the right expression at me and I tend to go on autopilot (which some of my adopted net family discovered to their advantage at meet ups) ... I am also a "feeder"  if you sit still long enough in my vicinity I will try and ply you with food and drink, hell I even make up care packages.