midweek, music and marmite....

It is the middle of the week (though work wise for me only one more day! Yay!!). Which of course means I inflict my musical tastes on anyone wandering through

As my home town was in the (inter)national news .... because the motorway that runs past it was closed due to a spillage of Marmite (love the stuff personally!) which has kept us all in bad jokes for the last two days... i thought I'd go with a couple of bands from the city.  There are loads more, these just happen to be probably two of the most recognisable.

Pulp were probably one of my favourite Brit-pop bands (I am that old) and this is probably my favourite song

Arctic Monkeys... I love the title of this one because it is just such a Sheffield expression

And now I am going to go back to lurking around the net... though the thread I was having to sit on my hands to avoid responding to on one of the goodreads fora has at least disappeared....

lacking confidence........

I feel more and more like the cowardly lion at the moment... this weekend I got nagged at by a friend I visited about (a) submitting my book to an agent and (b) getting my finger out and writing some more of either the 2nd book or ones of the short stories I've started.  Now the being nagged isn't new, she along with other friends who beta for me have been on my back for a while about it... particularly after we've all read some truly appalling YA books recently.

Trouble is, when it comes to sending off the book....I don't think I can cope with the rejection at the moment.  I know getting published isn't easy in this country and I don't want to go down the self publishing route, so I can't avoid having to deal with the rejection letters.  Part of me is torn between the satisfaction of having written it (and having people who I know will be honest about my writing tell me that it's good) and the fear of letting people I don't know and therefore don't know if I can trust read what I've been writing.

I know a lot of this stems from being told in the past that I "can't write" and that what I write is "rubbish".... I also know in somewhere in the depths of my brain that the people who said these things to me ... one an English teacher who thought that this sort of thing would push me forwards and the other my Ex who I know know was just determined to undermine me in any way she could... well, their opinions don't actually matter.... trouble is smothering the tiny part of my brain which knows this is the bigger part of my brain which says, no they are probably right, just leave well alone and stick to reading and write only for yourself.

Gah!  I can actually drive myself completely round the twist having this argument with myself..... particularly when I know full well I am confident enough when at work to argue a matter in Court before a Judge.

I want to do something positive about my writing and the only way I am going to do that is to bite the bullet and let other people read it.... to that end, I am going to try and join in the monthly short story thing on the YA LGBT group on Goodreads ... that is if the picture spawns a plot bunny for me (Rupert... yes, my head plot bunny has a name... has been having "ideas").... If I do write it, I shall then just have to fight for a while with myself as to whether I post it....

Hiding from myself....

Is it possible to read too much?  Only I picked up a couple of books from the sorting office this morning (Bound to Please by Kimberly Gardner and Dash & Dingo by Catt Ford and Sean Kennedy) and I've read one already and am part way through the other.

Now, ok, it's a well known fact that I have no social life, and reading is how I unwind after work (before work, during work), but it is getting, erm stupid.  On Friday I downloaded 2 books and a short from Dreamspinner, which I read the same night/next morning, I re-read three other books over the weekend as well..... I didn't do nothing but read, I did also go out on Saturday for most of the day and Sunday for the whole day.

I can see for myself that I am using the books to hide in rather than facing my own life - possibly because work is relentless pressure and stress at present - the amount of big brother syndrome is starting to seriously freak me out.... though my boss felt I was being a little sarcastic when I asked this morning when we had the CCTV cameras fitted to our shoulders to watch what we were doing all day.

More so perhaps because my head is, to be blunt, little fucked up with lack of sleep and too may thoughts that I don't want to be having, let alone dealing with.

I should, I suppose, try sort my head out and let go of the crap I don't need to carry around in it... particularly those issues which don't involve me directly, which I can do nothing to change but which persist in nagging at me that I ought to do "something" or that if I stop thinking about them it will be almost like I have given up caring, which I haven't at all.  Unfortunately, letting go isn't my strong point and until I can work out how without feeling like shite (or someone pulls me up short and makes me face it) I am going to have to live with it... or at least go hide out in another book till hopefully it goes away.

Drive safely.....

Today has been fun

well, except for one thing

I have discovered that in unexpected winter sunshine, care should be taken when lowering the sun visor on the car for the first time in ages....

I speak from having had the experience of failing to take such measures and as a result being slightly shocked (ok, I'll admit, shocked to the state of high pitched girly squealing) when a large hairy spider leapt off the visor towards me, landing on my chest, as I was driving along....

Luckily nothing was coming in the opposite direction as I swerved across the carriageway having taken both hands off the steering wheel whilst I attempted to extract said spider from my person.


The spider was later extracted from the moving vehicle..... I do not feel particularly guilty about this!

Waste of a weekend....

Even without a social life, the trouble with working full time and running round after rent a mob (particularly given their current routine of getting me up at 4.45 am) is that by the weekend, hell no, by Friday night, I am too tired to do, well, anything much.

I want to spend my weekends doing fun and exciting things... or failing that writing... but alas there is always the joys of the housework, the laundry, supermarket shopping and all the other not so fun and exciting chores.  I found myself wishing this morning as I stared at the collection of dog hair that was threatening to mutate into some sort of alien creature with a will to take over the world (or at least kill my hoover) that I had a cleaner, or possibly a housewife.

Now a cleaner is not an option - I can't afford one for a start, and secondly I'd probably have to pay them danger money to cope with the critters!  Housewife ... hum, yeah, no that's not going to happen... every relationship I've been in, even where we've both worked full time, I am the one that tends to be the more domestic...

So today, between playing taxi driver for my mother and doing laundry (twice - because the last load I did I used the wrong washing powder - which I am allergic too - and only realised after I'd been wearing clothes washed in it.... not a good thing being allergic to your own underwear!) I have been good and done my housework... cos no other bugger is going to do it for me. 

At least tomorrow I get a more fun day as I am off to a friends for the day to meet her new Hell Kitten (TM) and to be ladies that lunch...

Just another Thursday...

While in the UK we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, I know that a lot of my cyber friends will be celebrating today and I hope they all have a fantastic day with their loved ones, whether they be biological or chosen family and friends.

So, whilst all is rather quiet on the net I have been thinking of the things that I am thankful for…….. or rather, having a think about how my glass is half full….

I am thankful for….

Having a roof over my head,

Having a job I enjoy,

That means I am able to put food on the table and heat my home

The fact that my illness, whilst permanent, is not terminal

That I have access to the medical treatment and medication I need

The animals which I share my home and life with,

Who might annoy the hell out of me at times,

but they also keep me sane and make me get out of bed in a morning

The fact that I live in a place where I can live my life as I choose to do

Where I can be open about who I am without having to live in fear

The love and support of my family and friends

And the ability to love and support them in return

Ok, and now I’ve said all that I just want to give everyone a hug …

Melodies for the midweek ....

Or something like that!

This week's bands are brought to you by the letter "V".  Both of them are on my current writing playlist.

First up, Villagers.. who I saw support Elbow back in March... they were very good but not quite ready for an arena size tour even in support, friends who went with us wanted to take them home and mother them for a while...

And secondly, The Vaccines, who I am hoping to go see in the near future...

Bah Humbug.....

Ah, it is the season..... for the annual appearance of my inner Grinch!

Not even the end of November and the Christmas spirit is a little frayed around the edges.... don't get me wrong, I love Christmas.... in December though..  preferably say, from about the 14th onwards...

Today I have seen lots of Christmas lights, I have heard carols, I have been told how many posting days, buying days, delivery days etc till Christmas.  I know who in the office has written their cards, finished their shopping (yeah, so not helped by the fact that I am a last minute organiser - hey I get there in the end though!)

Added to which I have had to choose what I want for my Christmas dinner thing at work... I've avoided going every year so far, but no excuse this time, apparently... though the vegetarian option isn't really an option yet again...

They are threatening to trim up the office next week...... which I steadfastly refuse to get involved in.. hell I am easily distracted in a sort of "ooh pretty" way by stuff I already have on my desk (ok, well phone and internet).. put sparkly tinsel and stuff up and I'm doomed to do no work at all!

I shall do festive, eventually...maybe with the help of the Spirit of Christmas... which in my case is Vodka, large one....

Being thankful for rainbows

I wasn't up super early this morning, it was only just after 5 am when we stumbled back in from a brief limp round the park (hip improving rapidly thank goodness - bruise now purple and green - pretty!)... and I was half listening to the radio 45 minutes later when "pause for thought" - which is a multi faith 5 minutes of reflective time - came on.

The Liberal Rabbi was speaking about how although in the UK we don't celebrate Thanks Giving we should remember to be thankful for what we had.  One of the things she mentioned was that in Judaism there is a brief prayer of thanks or blessing for when you see a rainbow.

Now, this struck a chord, not in terms of seeing a physical rainbow, which always makes me smile, but rather reminded me that I am thankful for my own rainbow... or rather the rainbow friends I am lucky enough to share my life with.  These people help me understand more about myself, they help me to learn and grow, to accept and to love.


So, whether you are a friend in real life or a more distant cyber friend, thank you, for helping to make my life complete

The label game again

Well, after last night's adventures I am feeling a little stiff and sore, and have a lovely purple bruise the shape (and feels like size, but no really, not that big) of Africa on my right hip...

As I am feeling a little more coherent I thought I'd clear my mind a bit and get out of my system the post I was planning last night.

So I know full well what NSFW means, but sometimes my hand eye co-ordination isn't so good and I accidentally hit the wrong link when I'm surfing, no huge issue, unless you hit a NSFW thread, whilst you're at work, with a colleague standing behind you....  Now some of my colleagues know I read M/M books, after all they've made the mistake of asking what I'm reading at lunch time, to which I will just hand them the book.... but the person standing behind me a week or so back was a lovely lad who has slight autism and on occasion will say the first thing that comes into his head.

The picture that he saw on my screen was of an obviously male naked backside... could have been worse :o)... and his first comment was....."but I thought you were a lesbian".....

Now my initial reaction was to just say that yes, I am a lesbian, and that it was just a picture... but then he started asking all sorts of questions as to why I would look at pictures of naked men if I liked women.... luckily lunch finished then and I got out of answering the awkward questions.....at least to him, in my mind they've been nagging at me for a while.


I've mentioned before that I never really had to come out thanks to my upbringing and having the most fantastic open minded parents who taught my sister and I (and anyone else they came into contact with) that so long as you loved it didn't matter who or what.  I've also been extremely lucky never to have been on the receiving end of any homophobic bullying or harassment ...... hum, ok, one comment maybe does spring to mind now I think about it... which was that I only said I was a lesbian because I was too fat to find a boyfriend... which I think was more about size than sexuality... and was definitely more to do with their ignorance

Ok, so as far as looking at pictures goes, I am a big fan of the human body in any form, humans in general are beautiful... I can look at pictures of either sex and find them attractive, I particularly like muscle structure and eyes in humans....but pictures actually do very little for me in a whole getting physically turned on kind of sense.  (Now I think about it put a picture of a large cat, or a wolf in front of me and I can appreciate that too.... not sure what that says about me!).  Maybe I just appreciate a good photograph?

Now I'm not a big fan of labels, and yes, I'll admit that I label myself as a lesbian, but am I actually being honest with myself? Or perhaps I do this for convenience... after all a lot of lesbian's have real issue as those who identify as Bi (erroneously so in my opinion, - no not the identification, the having an issue with it - but then again, they are not me and the only person I have a right to label is myself)

Now I fully subscribe to the theory that the basis of physical attraction is at least in part a matter more of pheromones than anything else.  I am about 90% certain that if I ever risk another relationship it will be with a woman, it's what I feel more comfortable with. it's what I first think when asked to consider the future.  There is however that small part of me that refuses to rule out that any future relationship wouldn't be with a man.  I can't actually feel that there is anything wrong with this either.

I know I am attracted to males as well as females... my early relationships (by which I mean longer than a week or so) were all with men, but in the last 12 years or so all my relationships have been with women.
Interestingly I like females to be definitely female and males to be definitely male...... Mind you, I am a complete sucker for either sex if they happen to have longish brown hair, green eyes and lots of eyelashes......

I think maybe I just shouldn't worry about it... like oh, probably 80% of those that ever read this post I should just label myself as "human"................... (the other 20% being spambots, cats who've learnt to use the pc to check up on what their owners are doing and possibly the odd alien or two....)

A not what I planned post....

I have been having some thoughts swirling around my head recently about physical attraction and my own sexuality, which I was going to try to put down in words this evening

However, I mopped the floor when I came in from work, then fed the dogs, went upstairs, fed the cats, got changed, came downstairs and, erm, forgot how slippery the kitchen floor gets...... until I slid across it and crashed into the dog bed, then fell, hitting my shoulder on the radiator on the way down and landing, incredibly inelegantly on my right hip...

After clawing my way to my feet again I have applied Arnica, tablets and gel, followed by taking my pain meds slightly early and reclining on the sofa with a book.  When that wasn't really working after an hour I added an ice pack (well a packet of frozen peas) and a couple or three glasses of medicinal vodka.

Not in quite as much pain now, but am definitely not coherent enough to put down in words what I am trying to get out my head.

So now I shall go lie on the bed and curse that of all the hips I had to land on (no really, there was only a choice of two) it's the one on the same side as my back injury.....

Friendship contracts.........

For the last couple of nights my friend MrsHobbitWife (no obviously not her real name, but if you follow me on twitter, then yes, the name will be familiar) and I have been companion writing… that is to say, she is trying to do her assignment for her OU course, whereas I am scribbling fiction…

We then exchange what we’ve been writing and comment on it….. she is my main beta reader, editor and cheerleader (and handily has kids in the YA range who will also read for me)…. I still think she’s the better writer out of the two of us, she disagrees. 

Last night, having rounded up rent-a-mob and forced them into their crates … I swear they develop new tricks on a nightly basis to avoid going to bed...  I’d moseyed off upstairs and ended up on MSN talking to MrsHW about, well, absolutely everything and anything… though for some reasons our conversations whilst they start off pretty sane and normal seem to always descend quite swiftly to somewhere below gutter level… (last night we ended up with discussing where the fetish gear was safely kept and the real reason for thornless roses being developed….. apparently it’s less painful than the thorned versions when your being whipped with them and has the bonus that the petals fall off and float about like a cheesy 70’s port movie…….. yes, I know, just don’t ask!)

Anyway, at one point one of my cats leapt on my shoulder and missed, scratching all down one shoulder on her way back to the floor.  I typed my cursing in reaction and got back *snigger*,,, and so the conversation continued along the lines of I moaned that it wasn’t nice of her to laugh, to which she said it was okay for her to do this as it was in the contract…. Which started a whole string of comments about what was and wasn’t in the small print of the friendship contract we had….(turned out it wasn’t the friendship contract she was reading but the washing machine instructions… no I’ve never studied the small print on that one either…)

So, after I’d read for a bit, tried to sleep, and then given up I started thinking about the concept of friendship contracts… as you do at 1.00 am with mounting dread that the dogs will be going off in a little over 3 hours and you’ve work in the morning….the thing I came up with is that yes, we do have a friendship contract, hell everyone I am friends with there is some sort of friendship contract… friendship being offered and accepted much like a contract… and while the terms of no two friendships contracts are the same, they also change over time as friendships develop, or in some cases fall away… yes sometimes one party will be in breach of contract (see my inner lawyer appear)….but as a general rule for me at least none of my contracts are one sided, friendship is a two way street ...... as for the small print, that’s up to each friend to work out the limits on it for themselves.

middle of the week... must be the music post..

Having been having a rather grim time at work, where my earphones are constantly in, I've been playing a lot of these two singers/bands.. bands by name, but both fronted by seriously strong female singers... both of which are, in my humble opinion, also rather nice to look at too...

Right, off to indulge myself with pizza and some writing......

Defining diversity.....

I've mentioned before about how the company I work for is very gay friendly... we have our own LGBT listening group and the firm in the Stonewall Index of the top 100 companies.... we are the main sponsor of the Pride event in the city where the firm's headquarters are as well as attending other Pride events in cities where we have offices.

Anyway, part of being a member of the listening group is that on the firm's intranet we have a page with our details on (whether we be LGBT or straight ally) for other staff members to contact if they wish to... and also to get other interested in joining us.  The site's co-ordinator decided that we should upgrade our profiles and sent us a set of questions to answer.

Ok, so the usual name, job, how long with the firm, bit of background about us and what we like to do.. then the stinger.... what does diversity mean to you....

And I came unstuck... not because diversity doesn't mean anything to me, but more because it's not something I've actually really thought about in that sort of context.

I was brought up to accept people for who they are, and to be myself.  I expect others to be the same, and to treat me with the same acceptance... yes, I want to live, work and play in communities with a diverse selection of people, but should I really have to think about it or should everyone just be themselves.... I am still pondering on what the answer is to this as far as I am concerned... or at least how I want to answer the question

I think I shall have to mull the question over some more before I can frame an answer.... perhaps whilst I go knit the rest of these blasted cat nip mice I promised the shelter for the Christmas fayre...

Temper, temper....

Today I woke up grumpy, that sort of tetchy grumpy where your not all out sulking like a spoilt brat but rather that you are going to snap and snarl at everyone regardless.

I know it's partially my own fault... fell asleep before I took my painkillers last night, then was up and down all night with what I thought was breakthrough pain but no, didn't think that at the various points during the night that I woke up.  So I woke up tired and in pain, at 4.30 am, and then walked the dogs, ok well stumbled round the park whilst they leaped about.

By the time I got to work tetchy was rapidly going downhill... and I went into very quiet with occasional sarcasm particularly as it appeared that from leaving on Friday at 4pm my desk had disappeared under what looked like the after effects of an explosion in a paper factory... then I discovered it was "file review" day... ie the day I have to prove to my immediate boss that I am actually working hard and she gets to nosey through everything I do.... yeah I know, it's just supervision and I'm being bitchy, but that's what it feels like.  Then weekly file allocations happened... and I've been given work that I hate and detest... yes I am now sounding like a whining 5 year old...

Then someone did the wrong thing at the wrong time and I did something I've not done for a very long time... I flipped... and snapped back at someone.. which I shouldn't have done and after spending 10 minutes cooling off outside I went back and apologised - admittedly so did she as she'd been warned time and again that rocking her desk, which is opposite mine, or dropping files on it, which makes the whole thing rock, if I am typing, or resting at all against my side of the desks knocks into me which can be painful, and today it was.

Thing is, I know I've got a temper, I was born a red head and I'm an Aries... fantastic combination!  I used to be somewhat volatile but over the years gained a modicum of control (and not a few broken knuckles... walls I might add, I don't believe in hitting people... well unless specifically requested to)... which meant that I've actually shocked myself today when my coping strategies all failed... I thought I had more control... slightly disappointed in myself too...must try harder...

Mumblings on the current WIP

Well this afternoon I sat down to write some more of my based on Red Riding Hood, kind of, if you approach it sideways, don’t look at it directly and squint slightly story... to discover that my wolf character is an obnoxious pain in the arse.  This is nothing new.  I’ve had argumentative characters before... it’s why I never plan exactly where anything I’m writing is going, because inevitably the characters make the decisions not me... I may as well just shut my eyes, not think about it and let them write themselves .

But, and this is the big issue for me, this time I want to get something in particular right.  Having spent the last 16 or so years living with primitive and spitz breed dogs, and having an interest in wolves... not to mention having to learn about canine anatomy, confirmation and movement... I tend to get a touch picky about the way dogs and wolves (whether they be weres, shifters, or just plain wolves) are portrayed in fiction. ... or on film... CGI wolves, dear goodness, I got so pulled out of the film looking at movement and deciding in the end that they all had dysplastic hips it put me off completely....

 I have studied pack theory (both in dogs and wolves – and no, I don’t subscribe to canine pack theory that involves the human as part of the pack) and get very put off when the so called strict pack hierarchy is portrayed in a way that leads me to believe that the writer has little or no actual experience or knowledge of wolf behaviour.  Particularly, the lack of females... females in both dog and wolf packs are absolutely essential for stability.  So, having given in and done what I said I never would, i.e. write a wolf character, I want to get it right........Okay,  so yeah, the first thing I do to my wolf is kill of his pack.... go figure. 

I did also have whole issues over setting when I started writing this story... I wanted modern technology but not so much on the set in a particular place, I wanted rural and fairly isolated which starts to get tricky after all this is a small island ... setting a wolf based story in England though is suspending realism because we have no wild wolves, they’d be shot on sight if seen on farms if we did, oh and hunting with dogs (and I assume wolves.. but that’s probably not actually in the legislation) is banned.

So, yes, I know it is technically a paranormal fantasy setting and, really who needs realism?... erm, well, actually I do.  Or at least something close to plausible.  I was talking to someone the other day about writing in a fantasy setting to which they said, “fantasy is a cop out, it’s easy, you can just make it up as you go along”.  Actually, so not the case, you’ve got to create a setting that you’re happy with, one that makes sense to your readers, you’ve got to stick to the limits you set on, you have to justify why things are the way they are.  I’ve resorted to sketches in the past, and in one case had to build a model of a setting because I’d confused myself never mind my readers

So whilst I get very annoyed by some books, I do like some.  My favourite fictional wolf shifters are probably the forms that Belgarath, Poledra, Garion  (and occasionally Polgara) take in the Belgariad and Mallorean by David Eddings.. which are, I think, realistically portrayed... the worst, no not going there... 

It's not rocket science....

I have been distracted today.  My mind was not at all on my work, instead I flitted around the net on my phone (and on the work computer for sites I can get to).  The reason for this… well my personality is such that I am one of those people who worries about others, and they don’t even have to be people I’ve met in real life.  So when something unexpected happens I tend to whittle about the people involved.

I hate people getting hurt, either physically or emotionally, and online where you can’t see the reaction you it seems to make people forget what's decent and you get a level of emotional abuse, probably unthinkingly inflicted, but which goes well over the line I set for cruelty.  I say unthinkingly because, in my heart of hearts, I would hope that it’s unintentional, that they don’t realise that they are doing it – naïve possibly, hopeful definitely.

I hate seeing people being picked on, disrespected, not listened to, dismissed… you get the picture.  If people choose to share their lives you with, no matter the medium, you owe them something back…you owe them respect, you don’t have to say anything to them, you may just read their opinions and points of view (which of course you don’t have to agree with – but you do have to respect their position).  If you don’t agree with something why mud sling? Why not just calmly walk away and don’t read anymore?  Why dismiss someone else’s point of view? Why not agree to disagree?

I am sick of finding myself on forums of what I believe to be like minded people only to discover in fact there are full of people with their own agendas and cliques.  As I’ve mentioned before I don’t post much on the sites I use, but I do read, and I like to enjoy what I read, I don’t want to read about intolerance, stirring or backstabbing. Flame wars achieve nothing but hurt and anger.  I want to use forums where I feel welcome, and to some extent safe to voice my opinion or thoughts and not to be jumped on about it.

The amount of personal hatred and anger displayed on some sites I’ve visited recently saddens me and scares me to think that in real life people are like this… sure you won’t get along with everyone you come across in life, but you don’t abuse them…. Just because you can’t physically see someone doesn’t stop it from being abuse either.  Cyber hate crimes and bullying are unacceptable, full stop.

So, three little words that I am thinking about a lot (no not I love you, thought those are nice little words to hear whether it’s from a partner, family or friend) 

Tolerance

Acceptance

Understanding

It’s really not rocket science.

I think my book habit is getting out of hand.....

I made a mistake last night and looked at my recent purchase list on Amazon, trouble was it wasn’t the usual limited to the last 30 days list, oh no, it was the whole, what you have purchased in the last six months list….

Then I had a minor moment of horrific clarity (or small panic, phrase this how you wish) …….. I spend far, far too much money on books, and I need to cut down…… (this was compounded by the fact that having recently won the 2^nd e-book in a series in an online give away I “had” to buy the 1^st e-book ….. buying this online (albeit from a store I’d bought stuff from before) caused my bank to have sudden heart failure that fraudulent activity was going on…….at which point they automatically cancelled my one and only bank card! and only checked with me after the event, by which time it was too late…. When my bank queried what I was buying at the time the customer service person commented that from looking at my account I seemed to spend a lot on books *blush*)….. Oh, the books I won/bought (Lissa Kasey’s Inheritance and Reclamation) were really good!

The trouble is, I have lots of reading time in my day… and have a minimum of three books on the go at any one point – my downstairs/morning book which I read post dog walk before going to work (which I wasn’t meant to be doing during November because of the whole NaNo thing but, erm, yes well….) and of an evening if I am at home.  Then there is my lunch time book.. because I solemnly swore to my boss that for a minimum of 30 minutes a day I would not stare at the computer screen… and apparently typing with my eyes closed doesn’t count (but according to my colleague makes it looks like I am sleep typing).  Finally, is my bed time book …. because I can’t fall asleep easily I tend to read myself into sleep only stopping when my eyes really can’t focus on the words and I’ve read the last page at least three times and it still makes no sense…. or until one of the cats sits on the book, stares at me pointedly and refuses to get off because I am not paying them enough attention.

I have no objections to re-reading and around half the books I read fall into this category, but as much as I can happily re-read old favourites (and yes I do still read and enjoy children’s books) I like new stories...I like discovering new worlds, getting to know new characters….

Unfortunately, some, ok probably most if I’m honest, of the books I read aren’t the sort you can pick up in the supermarket (not that I mind the supermarkets selling books but their selection is extremely limited) … which means finding a book shop ….if you can! (I miss Borders, I miss stitch and bitch nights in Borders coffee shop, with books and yarn and friends… (these days it’s held in a horrible chain pub... no books!)… sorry got side tracked) or buying online – where it’s easy to forget how much I am paying…. bad habit of just pressing the “buy now” option and because I don’ physically hand over the money I don’t think too hard about it. 

The other problem is the cost of the individual book… I really do object to paying over £10 for a paperback… ok, I know, some of these books are from small publishing houses, but still!   Given the price of e-books compared to paper ones, and despite my own preference for “real” books, I have given in on the Kindle front… though won’t actually get this for a couple of months… I am actually rather concerned about how it will be far too easy for me to achieve instant gratification in book purchasing… and be able to con myself into the “it’s only £x” without thinking too hard about how much I am spending – but I’ll worry about that one later….   

So until I get my Kindle (and more importantly a new bank card) I am going to have to go on a “new book diet”….. well, for a short while, I might manage until the end of next week.. possibly….

Midweek Musical Mumble...

I apparently have "a song"... who knew! 

Well not me anyway.  I've never been in a relationship that had a defining song (hell now I think about it I've only once been in a relationship with someone who has remotely compatible music tastes....... I wonder if this is something I should add to my criteria for the future...) so I've never really thought about this before.  I rang my sister earlier to tell her that after a week of playing phone tag/leaving notes on the door etc the courier delivering her birthday present had finally worked out where the "safe place" was to leave it.  Apparently she knew that I'd phone because her i-pod had just shuffled to my song?!

So I asked what is "my song" and it's apparently this one...

Apparently due to the line "There's only one way of life, and that's your own..." which she says sums me up quite well :o)

When real life strikes back at fiction.....

One week and just shy of 8000 words into NaNo and I’ve hit a snag… well no, that’s like the understatement of the day… I’ve hit a bloody great roadblock of concrete, head on, whilst not wearing a seat belt……..

I’ve mentioned before that part of my job involves reading and working on things that, well, aren’t particularly pleasant.  So on Friday I picked up a new file I’d been allocated by The Boss and started to review it.  Turns out it involves the physical and sexual abuse of several young boys over a period of years by an authority figure that they should have been able to trust.

I know these files are difficult for me to deal with, but as part of my job they have to be done and my friends are great in helping to keep my thoughts all pink and fluffy (glitter optional).  So I managed over the weekend to continue to write, and then after working on the file all day yesterday I sat down at the lap top to continue, up came the story, I read back and that was it, nothing.  My mind just screamed at me that writing this was wrong.

Now, the thing is, I don’t usually write contemporary and I don’t do much in the way of planning out a story… that up to my characters to do as I type what they tell me.  I had an idea of where the story was going and part of it involves the escape from a D/s relationship which one of them had got into without understanding the implications of before finding himself to be trapped into something he didn’t want.  Whilst the relationship is in effect off screen, the retelling of some aspects and a rather violent escape weren’t… and this was the big sticking point. Having read the witness statements of the victims in the case I was working on I didn’t feel that I could fictionalise anything even remotely involving any form of abuse as it was all far to horribly real in my head (not helped by having a vivid visual imagination that can put pictures I really don’t want to see in my mind).

So I put the lap top away and picked up a book, then spent some time online trying to find some happy expressions of love and relationships which involve trust and more importantly adults.

This morning my head is a little clearer, though I have to face the file again today, but the sticking point remains.  I can’t write this.

I so wanted to actually complete NaNo this month, but I won’t with this story…  I think I shall stick to writing fantasy based things for a while and keep the realistic slightly further away.

Unwanted attention.....

Why me?  Why do I attract strange men? 

I don’t know whether I do something unintentionally but I seem to attract the attentions of strange men when I am really not looking to… it’s not a new thing… many years ago I had to resort to taking my dog with me to the laundrette on a Saturday morning as if I didn’t this old man who used to come in at around the same time would insist on sitting next to me, even if it was empty, and try to stroke my leg. 

(Actually, it’s not just strange men either, I also attract the attentions of small children, particularly in supermarkets… but they are easy to deal with… you just walk calmly up to their parents and tell them that they must be so proud of their children’s behaviour)

Whilst these days I tend not to go out to bars, if I go to a straight bar then unfortunately I seem to attract the attentions of those who think that larger person must equal desperate …  no, seriously, not, and if I was, erm, yeah, kind of wouldn’t be looking for anyone male anyway!

I am getting a bit fed up, and not a little freaked out these days though.  In the last twelve months I’ve been stalked around a shop by a security guard (no I wasn’t doing anything illegal, or even looking like I might be… well I didn’t think so), who eventually cornered me and started to ask me where he knew me from, and then moved on to more personal questions such as was I married, did I live alone etc…. 

Then there was the man behind me in the check out queue at the supermarket who by the time I’d finished packing my stuff and got outside was waiting for me and then followed me to the car.  When I stopped to open it and load the shopping he started by telling me he thought I was nice and was I interested in… well I’m not sure, I’ve never dived in the car so fast and slammed the door shut.

I managed to attract another one on Saturday… walking around the shop, minding my own business when this bloke sidles up just behind me and starts looking over my shoulder, I moved away but he followed, again standing just behind me.  I’m afraid to say I wasn’t particularly polite, I don’t like having my personal space invaded without invitation, certainly not by strangers.  So I turned round and stepped forwards towards him, he instinctively stepped backwards…………… and fell over a display unit sending it crashing to the ground.  I didn’t hang about …. good job there was nothing I really wanted from the shop!

I am pretty sure I don’t have some sort of flashing sign above my head stating this sort of thing is fine.  Ok, I’ll admit I do tend to smile or say hello to people who make eye contact, but surely that’s just polite, not an invitation….

I may decide to become a hermit and rely on home delivery……….

Fire!

I am sitting in my book room (ok, spare bedroom, but it might as well be a book room as that is mainly what it contains) looking out the window as fireworks go off all over the city ... and it's not even bonfire night (Guy Fawkes night) until tomorrow.

There is something about fire that I find mesmerising, I love the smell and the sound, standing by a fire and warming my hands.  Most of all I love to watch though, the fire licking through the wood, the sparks flying up in to the night sky and the colours changing inside the fire itself..

I've been attracted to fire as long as I can remember (yep I was the kid that got turfed out of science classes because I insisted on playing with the Bunsen burners).  I don't however have a particularly good track record with it though - and the combination of me and fire seems to stir fear into the hearts of my friends and family.

Ok, so my family has a very good reason.  When I was about 8 or so my dad decided that he'd build a bonfire to get rid of some garden waste, and some bits from the garage, and next doors garden etc... anyway the fire was a decent size by the time he (ably assisted by me) lit it. My sister was out somewhere and my mum was chairing some sort of committee meeting in the dining room.  I remember dad having to leave and telling me to watch the fire, which I did... what I didn't notice though was it spreading to the fence at the back of the garden... or the three very tall poplar trees... or the garden shed.... Admittedly I was only 8 at the time but I probably should have been paying a little more attention rather than day dreaming.....

Somehow I didn't learn, and as a student a combination of a little too much to drink (ok, so possibly a lot too much to drink), a very late night and trying to make instant noodles caused a small pan fire... which wouldn't have been too much of a problem, until I set the net curtains on fire above the kitchen sink... didn't get my deposit back on that rental!

My sister's birthday falling between Halloween and bonfire night meant a lot of bonfire parties... .for some reason I was always the kid who would pick up the sparkler from the wrong end and burn my fingers....

My love of fire has become a bit of a family joke now ... which I play on quite happily by putting on every birthday and Christmas present list the fact that I'd really really like a mini blow torch for cake decorating purposes... honestly!

That said, I've promised my beta reader that my NaNo story
will for a change not contain a fire........ yeah well, I'm only 6000 words in, plenty of time yet....

Blushing slightly..........

My mother decided to defrost her freezer today… so she sent me a text saying that she was dropping off her frozen stuff in my freezer… yep, fine says me…..then she sent me another text stating

“Have put stuff in both freezers.  Interesting set of pictures on your wall there!”

Oh help!  I forgot about my inspiration wall, which yes, is in the kitchen because that is where I work.  So now I shall have to try and explain why her lesbian daughter has a large collection of pictures of men… most of which are at least partially naked….. on her kitchen wall.

I fear this has the possibility to be more embarrassing than the time she tried to be helpful and put away some clean laundry for me…. and found the “toy” drawer….

Midweek music....

Today is my sister’s birthday, and this evening a group of us are going out for dinner… to a Japanese restaurant… which means that for the first time I am going to try sushi… ok, vegetarian sushi, but still sushi…  not convinced I am going to like it..

My tickets to see Death Cab for Cutie arrived yesterday which got me thinking about live music…. which is after all the best way to listen to music…. (musical regret of the year was my friend and I deciding we weren’t really able to go see Foo Fighters, Biffy Clyro and either Death Cab or Jimmy Eats World at Milton Keynes in the summer)

One of the things I promised myself last year was that I would make an effort to go see more bands live... which is tricky as my musical tastes are not similar to my friends (and in fact everyone that has ever tried to guess what I listen to on my MP3 player whilst I work has made completely the wrong assumptions), so it’s not been easy to press gang someone into coming with me.   

I’ve only managed four gigs in the last twelve months… though I am excluding the bands I saw on the new music stage at Tramlines (which is a free music festival held in venues all over Sheffield in the summer).  So, I thought I’d share one song from each of the bands I saw.

Thwarted by technology

Sometimes I just fail when it comes to technology.

Last night, got home from work, sorted out the critters, did a bit of cleaning, sat down in front of the lap top ready to check mail, do some surfing and then write.... no net connection...

So I went through the routine of rebooting laptop, going upstairs and rebooting the modem, nothing.... so I phoned the broadband people... whose call centre lurks in some other country... to be told, oh all our systems are down, try again in two hours!!  Arghhhh! 

So I wrote for a bit, then tried again, and still they couldn't help.  So I stropped about for a while and went to bed early with a book.

I waited until 6am to phone the call centre back... and spent half an hour playing around with cables, ably assisted by the cats .... it's actually quite hard to switch wires between modem, router and pc box whilst bent around the corner of a desk, balancing a phone between your ear and your shoulder, with a cat determined to sit in the middle of your back or get between your hands and eyes!

Anyway, it appears my router is playing silly buggers... and as it's not one provided by the broadband people, they basically said, yep, thanks not our problem, good luck with that.......

I have managed to get the net connection on the desk top pc upstairs... but that's not particularly helpful as my "workspace" (ok, yes, kitchen table with lap top on, with wall filled with pictures, lyrics and stuff) is downstairs... if I try and work upstairs then rent-a-mob raise strong objections and threaten to find new homes where their owner doesn't abandon them.. they are quite vocal about it.

Add to that, when I got into work I realised that any website that has any form of age restriction/warning automatically triggers the "Naughty Internet User" warning, anything you can buy something from is also blocked, and to add insult to injury something they've done with the filters means that I can't get Twitter up properly either...... so dammit it looks like I am going to have to do real work, all day, without a break...