Books I read in July....

Considering that I was trying to finish three assignments before the end of the month I seem to have done a fair amount of avoidance by hiding in my Kindle....

1.       Three Wishes – Sean Michael

2.       Three more Wishes – Sean Michael

3.       A Foreign Range – Andrew Grey

4.       Word on a Wing – Jamie Craig – possibly my favourite his month

5.       The Jack & Danny Chronicles – Fabian Black

6.       Kit’s Demerits – Fabian Black

7.       The Sacred Sword – Scott Mariani  - not M/M – but I retain a huge soft spot for the MC, Ben Hope, and think these are by far the best of the “action adventure” type books available

8.       Swan Songs (Tarn Swan) – very amusing diaries similar to those of Gillibran Brown with a domestic discipline background and an over dramatic cross dressing brat

9.       The Stardust Diaries 2006 – Tarn Swan

10.   Going to the Chapel  - Tarn Swan

11.   Two Men for Two Brothers – Sean Michael

12.   Loving Peter – Bonnie Dee

13.   Light outside the closet – Stephani Hecht – YA  - GLBT Group read for July (short but good)

14.   Left in the Darkness – Stephani Hecht – YA – again short and with a hell of a cliff hanger ending

15.   Packing Leather – Kim Dare

16.   Crossing Borders – Z A Maxfield (R)

17.   Tattoos & Teacups – Anna Martin – I was loving this until really close to the end when a potential story line that had only been hinted at was suddenly dropped in and resolved as if by magic

18.   Obedience Training – Mya

19.   Breaking Cover – Sean Michael

20.   End of the Beginning – John Goode – YA

21.   Raise your Glass – John Goode – YA

22.   Under Contract – Helen Saito

23.   Wild Horses – D. River

24.   Angel and The Assassin – Fyn Alexander (R) – I read this back in February and thought at the time I’d missed something because it had everything about it that I should have liked... it really clicked this time round so I bought the other two in the series and lost a whole day.....

25.   Be Brave (Angel and The Assassin) – Fyn Alexander

26.   Sins of the father (Angel and The Assassin) – Fyn Alexander

27.   Calling the show – J.A. Rock

28.   Redemption by Fire – Andrew Grey

29.   Love Runes – Jay Lygon

30.   Horizons – Mickie B Ashling

31.   Taste – Mickie B Ashling

32.   Daddio – Mickie B Ashling – This series got progressively better throughout and for once you got character development, plot and kinks without one overshadowing all the rest.

33.   Office Hours – Sean Michael

34.   Straight as an Arrow – Sean Michael

35.   The Isle of ... Where? Sue Brown

36.   A thread of Deepest Black – Finn Marlowe – I’d had this on the Kindle since Christmas and just never felt in the right mood to read it, I am glad I persevered this time as I really enjoyed it particularly as for a werewolf type book there were no Greek letters, fated bonds or soulmates....

37.   Morning Report – Sue Brown

And because, you know, I need to challenge myself to read more *rolls eyes* I signed up to the August challenge on the M/M goodreads group giving myself a head start list of 10 books (though one of them is the first of the Dangerous Grounds series - which I am sure will mean reading the whole lot before I am through.....

Critter chaos (yes, again) ....

I have been having a nice relaxing weekend... in which there was reading, sofa surfing, posh Sunday brunch out and a lovely Indian Head Massage

Unfortunately.... there has also been critter chaos...... all because... it's Hormone Hell Week!  Also known as ... oh good Goddess, keep the curtains closed, if the neighbours look in they'll be scandalised by what's happening in the middle of the lounge floor.... 


Why yes, I have not just one critter in season, but two of them.... and worse still I have Gretchen (aka all flirting and no follow through) and Hope (aka floozy that flings herself at any dog that looks in her direction) and whilst having two in season at once lessens the pain (trust me, they usually come in season in sequence making the whole thing last nearly 9 weeks... )


This weekend they hit "critical" where, if allowed to they'd get themselves knocked up.... so not going to happen ... mainly because I become mean and nasty and we won't be going walking for another week or so...but also in Gretchen's case because she doesn't thing motherhood would suit her and when I tried to have a litter from her she, erm, politely declined (well, wouldn't entertain the stud dog)

Sadly all these hormones have to have their release somewhere which means.... Ivan bless him is terrified and perpetually hiding under my chair, or behind me on the sofa..... in fact he's asked to go into his night crate three times today when Hope throwing herself at him all got too much for him.

Instead the girls have been providing their own hormonal stress relief by flirting outrageously with each other, having some girl on girl action and the occasional three way in the middle of the lounge (hence closing the curtains!)

Days off....

I am pretty useless at taking the annual leave I am meant to... I normally have to roll over the maximum allowed 5 days, which of course means I always have more to take the next year.  So, after my team leader muttered at me that I have to fit in 20 days before Christmas I booked off some long weekends over the summer... starting this weekend.

Yesterday, I managed to finish the final outstanding assignment, today my tutor confirmed it's going to pass so I can submit it for marking - 4 days ahead of the course deadline which is a bit of a record for me as I am not still scrabbling about trying to finish on deadline day .... so Yay! I am officially finished with my course work for this qualification..... two exams in November and I shall be properly qualified... and before I turn 40!

Today I was bribed with the promise of cheesecake to go spend the day with a friend who lives an hour or so away.... okay, so she has no need to bribe me,  I'd have gone willingly but hey, cheesecake is always a winner.... we sat out in the sunshine and nattered away for several hours whilst entertaining her cats.

Then I came home... and thought to myself... no it isn't Sunday evening, I do not have to go to work tomorrow... in fact... I have a whole weekend to enjoy still .... which is a very happy thought!  I have no plans, no things I "have" to do..... okay, well there is the housework, but then there is always the housework... so I feel some major relaxation and me time.... I may possibly see if I can book a massage as a treat for finishing my course.

Go away human and stop making fun of my little head says Hugo

For now I am watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics on the net :)

The critters however, are quite confused as to why on earth I am hanging about disturbing their sleeping time!

random mumbling....

Whilst I take baby steps towards trying to get myself back on track mentally (though I have taken a giant leap and got an appointment with a new counsellor for Thursday... I decided sod it and used the health insurance I have through work to find a private therapist rather than going through my own doctor for a referral and having to wait for months like last time) I am doing a lot of, well, nothing much.

In other words... hiding in books and knitting again... oh and failing to finish that final assignment that has to be submitted by Tuesday to the board and probably by Friday to my tutor.... It will get done, I am just struggling to get the material I need to read, digest and spit out as an answer to actually make it past my eyeballs.

I have read far a stupid number books in the last few days ... and somehow managed to purchase another seven today..... okay, I know how I managed to do it, but as there are 50 odd sitting waiting to be read on the Kindle already I didn't really need to.... why can't I buy the first book in a series?  Why do I have to buy the entire series (in this case the Horizons series by Mickie B Ashling and the Dangerous Grounds series by Josh Lanyon) I have promised myself (a) no more books till at least 10 have come off the Kindle and (b) no starting a new series till the essay is done..... do they do a 12 step programme for compulsive book purchasers and readers??

Kammi - far too cute to ever mess
with the yarn!

Knitting wise I am down to 2 WIPs.... the husband socks, which I am halfway down the foot of the 2nd sock and a shawl which I have about another 8 pattern repeats to do.... I am hoping to get them finished soon as I have requested for 3 more pairs of socks (which people have actually paid for the yarn or handed over the yarn) and some baby stuff for a colleague at work......I also have 1 skein of lace weight and 2 skeins of very posh silk blend sock yarn to wind into balls at some point.... trouble is, every time I look at them I catch sight of Gretchen in the corner of my eye looking oh so helpful on the tangling up the yarn front!

Right, I must now go wrap up my mother's birthday present... I managed to find her some nice little gifts as well as what she actually wanted.... which was a sonic screwdriver... I mean toothbrush.. which is just so not a glamorous and personal present!  We are taking her out for a meal tomorrow night.... and I finally get to meet my sister's other half properly for the first time.

 

Emotional tipping point...

For a while now I've been operating in that kind of blank state where I don't allow myself to feel anything emotionally.  If I'm honest it probably started back in May when the work fiasco collided with finding AP's condition was terminal and the sudden amount of, for want of a better word, counselling I was doing for friends.  The reason I can pin point it to May is that since then I've not been able to write ... I need my emotions to write, I can't write when I can't feel.

The thing is, I learnt at an early age that sometimes my emotions were best put on hold whilst I dealt with everyone around me.  It's actually probably not a good habit to have. I know I still do it when I don't want to deal with something emotionally difficult, I know that I will do it in order to help any of my friends and I know my counsellor gets very cross when I do it.... but sometimes it's just the safest and easiest thing to do.

Trouble is, after a while, I go numb.... I don't allow myself to have any emotions at all, I just drift along and do what I am expected to with my life.  I'm also very good at hiding it.... I can act appropriately happy/excited/sad etc, I can do sympathy and mean it, but as far as my own emotions go I lie.  There are only two people who ever really get an answer to the question "are you okay?" with anything like the truth.... neither of which I've had access to in the last couple of months.

At AP's funeral on Monday I felt like I was going through the motions, and it's been like that all through the week.  Today I went out with friends for a lovely Spanish meal and appeared to have a wonderful time.. thing is, I actually didn't feel like I was there.... it was like watching myself from the other side of the room as I laughed, chattered and shared jokes.

I think the realisation that I was that so far removed from my own emotions hit a tipping point this afternoon when I was curled up on the sofa and the really naff children's film I was watching suddenly made me start to cry.... and cry.... and then I couldn't stop.  I'm not sure how long it went on for because I fell asleep and although I woke with a horrible headache I felt a lot better.

I've given myself the evening off from everything, no phone calls, no texts, no msn and am about to hit a long hot shower before having a early bed time in the hope that the release from the crying will help me sleep.  With luck this is a timely wake up call and I can get a grip on my emotions and admitting that just sometimes, no I am not actually okay.

Critters......

When she was visiting the other month the half daughter, in preparation and practice for when she starts her photography course in September, took rather a lot of photos of the critters.... after much nagging she sent them through to me the other night.... some of them are rather good (particularly given they are never blinking still enough or co-operative enough to get decent photos) and as a very proud half mother (not to mention critter minion) here are a few....

Hugo looking slight concerned
(no change there then!)

Newel Post balancing is a favourite hobby,
of Gina's particularly whilst singing, loudly, in the hope
that one day someone will take pity and give
extra food

See, she's angelic really!
cunningly angled photo so Gretchen's devil's horns
aren't on show!

Hope (less) puppy!
only she's not as she's now 2 years old
her favourite game is to nick my chair when
I stand up and then refuse to get off again!

Midweek Music.....

Because I haven't done this for a while and there is the whole Olympic thing happening at the other end of the Country starting next week.... So I thought I would give you one of my favourite tunes about the venue :)

I don't usually do music classified as pop but I have a soft spot for very clever lyrics and Lily Allen can certainly write them (that and she's quite cute helps!)

May contain waffling....

aka - my head is all over the place right now....

There are two reasons primarily for this - firstly, yesterday and the service to celebrate AP's life.... it wasn't a funeral as such, that had been a family only affair first thing in the morning.  This was an opportunity for her friends and family to come together in the Methodist church that had played a very important part in her life and the life of her family.

There were 18 of us who attended who had known AP through the internet book group we were all members of, all of us wearing something with a touch of lime green.... what was lovely was that her husband and daughters were also wearing touches of lime green which kind of hammered home to me how important her internet friends, who by extension are part of an internet family, were to her.  Each year this book group has bi-annual meetings at which AP would make book marks to sell off to raise funds for whatever charity we were supporting. Her husband, despite his own personal loss and grief, had taken the time to make a set of book marks for us, with pictures of her and the book she wrote on one side and her dates on the other.  He gave them out to us after the service to remember her by.


I did mean to blog last night, but in catching up with my blog feeds I read the day's post that the lovely people at Chicks & Dicks had put up as part of their abuse awareness month this post here now anyone who has read parts of this blog will understand why that that hit....  I hate the terms victim and survivor but if I am honest that is what I am and the whole description of verbal and mental abuse, deliberate isolation from friends and family, ensuring financial and personal dependency, the excuses, the not seeing what's happening and the threat of loosing something important if you rock the boat, brought back some pretty horrible memories and thoughts to the surface.

I am not ashamed to say that I have been a victim of abuse, I don't think it weakens me, I do however, have days when things are looking on the dark side when I still feel a complete and utter useless fool for not seeing it at the time, for pretending it wasn't happening when I did realise it was, and for not getting out sooner......

It was all a bit much last night, so I went and hid under the duvet with my guard cats.

muppet moment (part, oh about 49 by now)

Today I was good and did my essay!....I now have one more assignment to finish and that is it, no more, never again, ever, if I even suggest studying something else please hit me repeatedly over the head until the suggestion goes away!

Anyway, after that I had housework to do as I have an overnight visitor tonight (we are going to AP's funeral tomorrow together).  Now I am not keen on air fresheners of the chemical kind, but having numerous critters I do need some sort of air freshener and tend to light scented candles (Yankee Candles for preference - the air type ones/clean cotton/fluffy towels etc)  

So today as I was dashing about with the hoover and generally dusting I lit a couple of candles on the kitchen window sill and carried on.  Coming back to them later I noticed that only one candle appeared to have a flame (they are in glass holders which are inside black metal cut out type outer holders) so I picked up the not lit candle and got a match to relight it, tilted it slightly and, erm, it wasn't actually out..... which I realised as I put my little finger in too close to what was actually the lit flame..... which made me jump.... and jerk my hand holding the candle holder... which was full of molten wax.........

Yup, all over one hand, and up the bottom part of my arm.

Luckily I was over the kitchen sink so I stuck my hand and arm under the tap .... luckily no burns from the flame to my fingers and I had managed to drop the lit match into the mop bucket....

I then had an interesting half hour peeling the dried on wax off my arms and fingers......It would probably be wrong to admit that I quite enjoyed the whole peeling off experience really.......

Today's conversation with my mother...

Saturday is laundry day which, as I still haven't got my washing machine replaced or fixed, means going to mothers for coffee (I wish!) and reading the news paper whilst I run my stuff through her washing machine (hey it's cheaper and mum is better company than the lecherous old bloke that I usually manage to attract if I go to the laundrette)

This morning, having finished the paper and switched to the kindle, I wasn't really concentrating on what she was saying as she was muttering over her Suduko (seriously, I am the scientific one in our family and I really really can't see the point... I derive great amusement by suddenly calling out random numbers whilst she is trying to complete the puzzles)

So my brain returned to focus on part of the conversation which revolved around having coffee in the gym and sitting with someone reading the 50 Shades book whilst there, because she didn't want to read it at home because of the children.....still not concentrating properly, mum then asked if I'd read it.....

Okay, now here's the bit where I really should have engaged my brain before opening my mouth as I replied... no I like my BDSM erotica to be better written, and not so much of the fluff and that whilst glitter kink was okay, I didn't really do het relationship books......it took about 30 seconds after I stopped speaking before I realised my mother was looking at me strangely.  


I explained that in my opinion, it's badly written fan fiction based on sparkly vampire halitosis boy and his friends (she doesn't like the twilight books and has banned all her pupils from mentioning them... the older ones she points them towards Robin McKinley's "Sunshine" instead) and that the whole BDSM relationship it so supposedly depicts is, well, laughable.

Unfortunately my washing was still going and I couldn't run away when she started asking me what books I had read, what my preferences were and if not het then what did I read..... I am glad she has an open mind, but I hate to think about what she'll be talking about in the gym next week given my preference for M/M, slave fic, a touch of non/dub con and some of the heavier kink based relationships....... I drew the line at recommending books she could pass on to the ladies at the gym....

100 words

This was the May photo prompt on the YA GLBT group on Goodreads.... I have half written a short story but this just kind of landed in my head......

I awoke with his warm body curled around behind me, as we balanced precariously on the single bed.  His arm looped over my own, holding on tightly.  His head lay against my back and with each breath he exhaled I felt its warm touch against the bare skin of my shoulder.

I could feel the smile on my face and a general feeling of warmth within me.  Despite the concerns I’d had the night before about what we were doing, this felt right.  As though this was how it was meant to be.  As if I had come safely home.

Updating by numbers....

1. The weekend... was a washout.. literally and personally... I swear I may as well build an Ark in the back garden because we are going to need it if this rain continues.  I was kind of caught up in a flurry of e-mails about AP's death over the weekend and spent a lot of time playing grief counsellor... I am not sure why but for some reason I am almost always expected to be the strong one.... the one that is good in a crisis .. the one that can cope with everything.  As a result I spent a lot of time on the phone and MSN.

2.  The other wash out bit of the weekend was my essay... I diligently read all the damn course material - nearly 400 pages... and could I work out what the hell I was meant to write for this essay... not a chance... So I sent a wailing e-mail to my tutor begging for help (she obliged on Monday morning) and got on with tarting up the assignment after that I'd almost finished.  2 more weekends... this is all.. I must get the remaining assignments done!

3.  The cats are driving me insane (okay, slightly more insane than usual)  They are obsessed with my wardrobe... I've explained to them there is no mystical world full of cat treats and tuna through the back of it... but this does not stop them trying to break into it and empty the contents all over the bedroom floor in the middle of the night... I have resorted to putting a chair against the door... which means that Hugo just sits on it and wails pitifully.... I am hard hearted however and just tell him to shut up!

4.  Yesterday at work I was a tad unprofessional and unfair ... in a shoot the messenger way.. my team leader had to impart some not very good news and I kind of had a hissy fit and stormed out of the meeting room.... I then didn't sleep last night and worked myself up into a complete state about it all.... I made myself apologise this morning when I went in... she wasn't that bothered by it all because she knew I wouldn't be happy.... so hopefully that can all be forgiven and forgotten now.

5.  Last night I also had a bit of a shock when walking from the car into the supermarket I was hailed across the car park by my step-mother.  Now this is shocking because she and my dad live right at the other end of the country and I knew dad was only just out of hospital......after some investigating - and running into my mother and my sister actually inside the supermarket - it appears dad has finally made his mind up and decided to sell up the stupidly big (well for 2 people) house, close his business and move back up to Sheffield.  Okay, so it means bringing the step-mother with him (I am not a fan..).  My mum and sister had actually been house hunting with step-mother on Monday and Tuesday.... I know, I have a weird family...

6.  Tonight I have been out for a rather fine Chinese meal with some friends..... they may have persuaded me not to be the designated driver.... which means there may possibly have been a bit of vodka....which could explain why the cup cakes I have just iced for my colleague's birthday tomorrow are, erm, shall we say interesting........I got carried away with the swirly patterns of vanilla and choc-fudge icing...

7.  The alcohol could also explain why I am currently sitting waiting for my hair dye to develop... because of course dying your hair is a sensible thing to do at nearly 10 pm isn't it.... I am not sure what colour it is... I wasn't allowed to chose (yes, we were a bit vodka'd when we went to buy it) and they took the colour off the box before I was allowed out the car........ I shall report back on this....

Not the best end to the week...

Just been told that my friend AP passed away last night.  I hope that her family can find some comfort in that she is now at peace.

Whilst I can be thankful she is no longer suffering her passing leaves a huge hole in my virtual friendship web where she has been for the past ten years.

Cancer is a truly terrible disease

Deadlines and Disorganisation...

Well here we are in July... I still don't know how we got here so soon, I am sure not 5 minutes ago we were just hanging up the Christmas lights and moaning about a couple of inches of snow...... I mean my own personal opinion is that someone stole March...

Now I am in my 3rd and final year of my course, and each year when I get my course material in September I have said very firmly to myself, with commitment and dedication, that I will do an assignment a month and it will all be done and dusted long before the 31st July deadline looms on the horizon...... nope, didn't manage it in my first two years and guess what, I am not going to do it this year either.  With only about four weeks left I have 3 assignments to do. So there goes my weekends for the whole of this month

I was trying not to panic too much about this earlier today when the e-mail arrived giving me details of my final exams... 2 of them, on the same day, 16th November to be precise..... Yep automatic flat out panic as a response..... luckily I appear to have a fully mobilised support crew to get me through this courtesy of the YA GLBT group over on Goodreads..... I have warned them I have a tendency to go into full blown panic spin out of control and run away screaming because I can't do it mode....

The funny thing is, at work, as well as within my family, I am the organised one. The one who keeps to deadlines, who is the bane of my sister's life because whereas she is always late I am at least 5 minutes early for everything...... I am the one who has a perpetually tidy (if not always completely clean) house, who is organised down to the last detail and makes lists for everything.  Whose desk at work is usually immaculately tidy, who meticulously files paperwork and knows what stage all the cases are up to......

until you look a little deeper..... the house is tidy because (a) I've a habit of walking about in the dark without my glasses on and if it wasn't I'd fall over a break something (okay, do more serious damage than I can usually manage) or (b) the dogs (Gretchen!) would destroy things left lying about.... I keep deadlines, yes, by leaving things right up to the last minute and then scrabbling around like mad trying to meet them, staying up too late and obsessing over them - I mean how many people do you know that have a note book and pen in the bathroom because their work brain switches on in the shower and remembers things that then must be written down straight away.

I am 5 minutes early most of the time because I was running late in the first place and managed to get ahead of myself.... and whilst yes I have got a good memory, as my boss said at my last appraisal, it's all very well but if I got run over by a bus the rest of them are screwed because nothing is ever written down where it's meant to be!

I probably should try a little bit harder to be as organised as I appear, but if I spent time doing that I'd definitely never make another deadline again!