In need of sleep.....

This is obviously not really me!!

In the last 36 hours I have managed the grand total of 2.5 of them being asleep.... I know not why but last night was a complete farce.

I went to bed as usual and read for a while, then switched off the light and waited, and waited, and waited, and then at 1.30 am decided sod it, got up, took the kindle downstairs, let the dogs out and made a cup of tea.  I read at the kitchen table till 3.00 am when I decided I'd try to go back to bed... nope, no joy, neither my brain or my body wished to switch off, so I tossed and turned for a bit and gave up again, going back down stairs shortly before 4.00 am... I tried to curl up on the sofa and go to sleep, nope, not happening.. so at 5.00am I got up properly and took the dogs out to the park for half an hour.... it's nice on the park at that time of the morning, there were stars and moonlight.  

When I got back I switched on the radio, made more tea.... and promptly fell asleep at the kitchen table... Luckily I'd set the alarm on my phone just in case and woke in time to go grab a very quick shower and get myself to work on time.... cos yes, working on that little sleep is a good idea.

I couldn't take my pain meds as I hadn't had breakfast, and then my back decided to bitch like hell at me about falling asleep at the table......then joy of joy, fire drill.... at which point my back kind of muttered at me, sure go stand outside in the freezing cold damp weather for half an hour, and then see if I'll co-operate.

So, feeling like I've been kicked by a horse and being stupidly over tired, I have taken the horrible mega strong painkillers and am waffling inanely on the blog whilst I wait for them to kick in..... I will get some sleep!

Under the wrapping...

One of my colleagues has this year made representations of each of the team in the form of gingerbread people this is how she sees me…(which I tried to upload but my computer hates me)

Ok, so no, it’s not really me, it’s a generic gingerbread person, if it was me you wouldn’t be able to see anything of the legs as my skirts all come down to my ankles, though the MP3 player being attached is definitely me whilst working

Anyway, because little things can often cause bigger thoughts, this got me thinking about how I see other people, and I suppose how other people see me. 

This really relates to my net friends, who I do not see in person.  I will admit that I frequently “see” people as their avatars …. which means that, if others do the same, I am either a naked cat with an evil stare, or alternatively a small hill…….

I totally respect people’s right not to disclose their identity in photographic or any other form. What someone decides to disclose online is down to them and it would be really hypocritical of me to suggest otherwise.  My full name is accessible online, but then again, it’s a really common name, but I won’t put a picture of me online (hell I don’t have photos of me at all if I can help it – severely camera phobic due to a couple of really bad incidents in the past – including one which resulted in police involvement).  So what you imagine I look like I'll leave totally to your imagination.... which is in itself probably gives rise to some extremely strange possibilities!

Some people seem to get hung up on people’s physical appearance, but to be honest, I am really not all that flapped about what people look like.  The wrapping isn’t really what’s important.  The person inside is what really matters… their opinions, their thoughts, their feelings….. none of which are dependant on what they look like. 

Some of my closest real life friends I got to know first on line and whilst they didn’t look anything like my imagination told me they should (hummm, that maybe more to do with me having a rather vivid imagination) it turned out in every case to be completely unimportant, the relationship we’d built up without knowing what the other looked overrode everything else.  I sometimes think you can actually get to know someone better without seeing them first, or at least, the first physical impressions don’t get in the way of discovering the person inside.

Ok, I’m waffling now, but suffice to say, I’d much rather know the person on the inside rather than just be friends with someone because of their appearance. 

Unsocial Networking and Lurking....

Last night I deactivated my face book account.  There was no drama, no panic, in fact probably no real reason to do so.  Simple truth was, as I don’t play games, as I don’t really use the status updates/friends/chat things (and as I really didn’t appreciate back in June finding out through my dad’s partner’s page that she and my dad had gotten married without telling me or my sister) I didn’t really see the point.  I wasn’t using the site, it was just sitting there, with my details on it – and given the ever changing security issues I just thought to myself… what is the point? As I couldn’t find a reasonable answer I deactivated.    So yes, unsociable networking!

I’ve been playing around on the internet for what seems like since it came into common use; as far back as 1993 I was part of a group of students who had a very basic bulletin board and live chat system that linked up about 5 universities – through which I made friends I still have today.  However, as time has gone on the net has grown and changed massively, as have my interests and outlooks…

These days I suppose more than anything I am a lurker…. in an internet sense, not in a darkened alleyways kind of thing … I am a member of various forums (in particular those in relation to books, music, dogs and knitting – grief I really am very boring), as well belonging to several Yahoo groups.  Myspace and Bebo passed me by.

I blog here, and in the past have blogged elsewhere, I read a lot of blogs other people write and am known to follow links around the net till I can’t get back to where I started.  Blogs interest me, both those which promote the blogger as part of their work, those that inform, and those which are essentially a personal record of the blogger (rather like this one is).  Someone tweeted last night whether we thought she should capitalise her subject headings on her blog... but as I replied, I subscribe to the “it’s my blog and I’ll post what I damn well please” school of thought and she should do what she wanted to, not necessarily what was expected.

Aside from this blog, the only exception I have to my status as a lurker/unsociable networker is Twitter – for some reason I seem to be able to tweet incoherently on a far too regular basis.  I guess because it’s in real time, it’s only 140 words, in which it is quite hard to piss someone else off! (No this blog and my Twitter account aren’t linked – it is possible to work back one way or another and connect them, but there is no definitive link – why? Because I have work colleagues and some friends on my Twitter feed who might feel uncomfortable with some of the things I blog about).

I used to post regularly on some sites, and joined in with meet ups arranged by one book group (why yes, I did freak my family out – you are going away for a weekend with a group of people you met on the net, are you mad?).  So why am I “only” a lurker these days?  It’s not that I no longer have opinions, thoughts or in rare cases relevant experience.  I will occasionally post, but I am not going to answer every post, comment on every thread, on every site I visit.  If the site, forum or group is a large one, or has a very obvious clique of people that it’s just not worth going up against then I won’t post - a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am a wimp.  I don’t like arguments; I don’t want shooting down in flames if I say something that is not agreed with, life is too short to upset myself this way.  There is also a fear of being misinterpreted – with group users all over the world, sometimes the way something is said is taken completely the wrong way, something said with genuine intent appears sarcastic, or something said in fun is taken the wrong way (usually for the lack of an emote).  It’s a case of been there, done that, slunk off and licked my metaphorical wounds, don’t want to rinse and repeat.

In nearly 20 years of using the net (during which time I have actively moderated several sites as an independent moderator with no interest in the subject of the site itself) I’ve made lots of friends, both virtual and eventually in some cases in real life.  I’ve only ever come across a handful of people who are not genuine, those who rather than having something to say just have axes to grind or who are just there to troll.  These are usually fairly easy to spot.  Lying on the net is no different from lying in real life – sooner or later you will mix your stories up and it will come back to bite you on the bum.  Okay so I probably leave myself wide open to being fooled, but until I’ve evidence to the contrary I am not going to jump to any conclusions about anyone or anything. 

A little tolerance and forethought goes quite a long way.  I sometimes wish you got a pop up box that said “are you sure you want to post this”.  Just taking time to think about what you are saying, to ask yourself is this post going to hurt someone? Do I need to say this?  It’s easy to be judgmental or to make accusations about someone when you aren’t in the same room – but would you walk up to someone you only knew in passing and make the same statement to their faces?  My other bug bear is that although everyone makes mistakes, yes really, everyone, very few seem to be capable of saying “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”  Wouldn’t it make the net a nicer place to lurk.

Lost for Words

Today has reminded me of the power of words - spoken, written and read.  The saying goes that the pen is mightier than the sword, and whilst it's not something I'm willing to test in a duel, words certainly can cut deep.

The Internet is a wonderful thing... but at the same time it's a dangerous playground.  When you release words, thoughts, emotions onto the net it's done when staring at a blank screen and not thinking to hard who is reading. 

If you could look through your computer, through the net, through the back of the computer into the eyes of the person reading at the other end... would you continue?  Would you say to someones face what you type? Someone you don't really know?  Someone you've never met in person? 

The Internet gives anyone who uses it power..... thinking before typing, before hitting send, before posting, it doesn't take a a second, yet it's so easily over looked.

Tact and I weren't really on speaking terms when I was younger and my mother had a phrase she used to repeat to me quite frequently - Engage brain before opening mouth.  I know from bitter experience that you can't take back what you've said online - and I'm sorry to say I've been on both sides - I learnt from my experiences I can only hope that after what I've witnessed today others can learn from theirs.


I think an evening off the net is called for, my books arrived from Dreamspinner today (and I've just discovered that they are all autographed) so I am going to lose myself in other peoples words that can't hurt anyone for a while.

So, why blog?

I was going to put this in the intro post, but, erm, yes, well I rambled quite a bit longer than I’d intended to.

Actually “why blog?” is a bit of a misleading question as I am not a blogging virgin, it’s more a case of “why blog now?” or “why blog again?”

My last blog ran from 2003 to about 2007, you won’t find it anywhere as after I did something I’m not very proud of (namely being a completely thoughtless bitch and discussing members and other moderators of a web site I’d been asked to help out with, not on my own blog but on a blogging site that could be read publicly), anyway, in a fit of probably part anger with myself, part frustration and part shame I deleted everything, the entire blog, membership of several forums etc and for a while I went into Internet hibernation. 

At the same time my home life imploded and got about as messy as it possibly could (split up with partner, but stuck in house we couldn’t sell and she then moved her new girlfriend in....). I eventually upped sticks and moved across the country to try and re-start my life.  I hadn’t realised what an uphill task it would be as in the 7 years we’d been together I’d managed to completely lose my own identity.  That was 3 years ago now and things are starting to look up and I’m finding or rather remembering who I really am.

I used to use my blog as a sounding board, to record thoughts and feelings, to rant and to laugh.  I’ve always kept a paper journal for writing down those thoughts that strike somewhere about 3 am and have to be put down somewhere if not just because if they stay in my head sleep doesn’t happen. It appears that I’ve got more I want to say though now, and feel like sharing again (well if anyone is actually interested enough to read this).

So, I will blog, probably not daily, definitely not always seriously.  Amongst the “me” posts, I am hoping to start doing some book reviews, I will probably also post songs/lyrics that inspire me or that cause the voices in my head to whisper stories they’d like me to tell for them. I will probably also waffle about slightly off the wall things.

One thing I won’t do is bad mouth people or use peoples own names or anything that might identify them... I think I’ve learnt my lesson and hopefully grown up a bit since the last blog.