As my last visitor left at 5 pm this evening my house feels very quiet and empty this evening, I say feels, because with rent-a-mob and the naked cats quiet and empty is a comparative thing.
I've loved having visitors, there has been lots of fun, laughter, talking, reading, knitting and generally good times. Now they've gone, I'm feeling part down about it, but part relieved... which is also making me feel a little, well, guilty, kind of. It seems wrong, having had such a good time to be pleased to have my house back to myself, it's also making me think a lot about my home life and current situation. Maybe I am just antisocial at heart.
I'd thought a while back that I might be getting to the stage of trying to increase my social life, perhaps open my mind a bit to the possibility of finding someone to share my life with, but if I am being totally honest with myself (which is so something I am not good at), given the way I am feeling now the answer is a firm "no way" to the whole sharing my life on a personal level with someone. I am just not "there" yet - which isn't helped by the fact that it's my ex's 1st wedding anniversary this week, showing just how fast she manged to move on.
What's worrying me more is that I am starting to feel that I might not ever be "there" at all. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I am not so sure I can put myself in a position where I can let someone in that close.
Ok, enough with these thoughts, they are sounding too much like I am whining. Shall go read, knit or generally try find something to take my mind off this subject.
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