Spiralling out of control

Sometimes, it's the little things that make you step back and think....  Like sorting the laundry and discovering that for the last four days every item of clothing I've worn has been black, or trying to remember when I last ate something sensible, or the fact that aside from work I've not really been out the house for over a week, or getting overwhelmed with feeling of guilt due to other people's issues, which I didn't contribute to and as much as I'd like to help I actually can't.

Something felt off when i got up this morning, I walked the dogs in the dark under the moonlight, which is something I love doing, but today, well, I just felt completely numb. Then later when I looked at the shelf at the end of the bath I realised exactly how much shower gel I'd bought recently (I've mentioned my "addiction" to shower gel before - but basically, it's a coping strategy because I could oh so very easily go out and spend money on much more harmful things).  So, I forced myself to go read back the last week or two's worth of overnight scribblings - one of my counsellors a few years back suggested that in my insomniac moments, when my head is just too full of thoughts to sleep, I write my thoughts as a sort of mind dump.  Usually I don't read back as it can be kind of scary, but I'm kind of glad I did today as I could see that what I'd been writing had been getting darker over the last few weeks.

All this made be admit that things were perhaps spiralling out of control again, but it was fine, I could cope with this, I didn't need to do anything.... I forced myself out the house to go shopping (thank goodness for my critters - having to be here for them, to feed them, to care for them, keeps me grounded) and although I felt like I was on the verge of crying for no reason a lot of the time I held it together.  Until that is the stupid cow on the check out decided not to wait for me to finish loading as I'd asked but started to put my stuff through and fling it down to the other end.  By the time I'd paid my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't key in the pin to pay and I was in tears before I got to the car - which got even more strange looks and small children pointing at me than usual.

So yes, I think I can safely say that my depression is paying another visit, hell I might as well have had someone leaping up and down next to me telling me.  I've had it for years, on and off, and it's usually kept in check, but I probably should have recognised the signs before today and acted on them rather than pretending it wasn't happening.

Which brings me to the reason for this post.... by writing and posting this here I have said it out loud, rather than smiling and telling myself and everyone around me that everything is ok.  Baby steps, but I have to take the first one to get through it.