Well that was fun... not! I've just been subjected to a sympathy phone call from my ex... which shouldn't really be an issue, but for some reason still after over three years, it kind of is.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a "woe, I'm still in love with her" kind of issue, hell I can pin point exactly the day I realised I didn't love her anymore (we were having an argument and I went to leave and she physically grabbed me and pulled me back across the kitchen - I don't do violence in any shape or form). It's more a realisation of exactly what the cost of the whole fiasco of a relationship was to me.
I'm not talking financial cost, though that was staggeringly high (she moved in with me she'd just had her house repossessed, when we split somehow ended up with our 5 bedroom house), and I was the one who she told all our friends, my family, hell casual acquaintances, was no good with money... and like a fool I handed over control of my wages and bank account.... yep really wise to do when you know the other person has several CCJ's, a repossessed property and a company in liquidation. I was truly that stupid and naive.
No, this is more about the personal cost, and every fucking time she phones, with this smirky gloat in her voice, you know the one with a hint of pity cos she's doing you a favour talking to you, I can't help but realise how much I've lost.
3 years, and I am still trying to find my way back to what I was before we started a relationship 6 years before that... 9 years, that long that sometimes I really don't know if I will ever find my way back to who I was. Hell I'm not sure I still remember. I've only one friend that remembers me from before then - my other friends she carefully alienated and kept me away from. I couldn't make approaches to them now if I wanted to because of the things she told them.
She even used to phone my parents and my sister and tell them how worried she was that I was psychotic and a danger to myself. She threatened to have me sectioned after one argument.... shocked the hell out of me at the time, now I know better. All she ever wanted was for me to give up work and become her full time cook, cleaner and kennel maid... I'd say housewife, but that sort of implies a level of partnership in the relationship, but we hadn't had that for along time.
I'm glad I am not still trapped there, the last 12 months, when she'd moved in her new girlfriend, now wife, were pure hell... I don't know why I ever thought we should at least try to remain "friends", possibly because we have a lot of other friends in common, perhaps because my parents despite the divorce are still friends (though hers aren't in fact the can't even stand to be in the same country as each other... I should have taken more note of that).
I know that I am strong enough to find myself again, I can do this. I have a new home, a new life, new friends, but 30 minutes of listening to her on the phone and it all comes back, all the things I can't do, all the things I do wrong, all the reasons why I am not worth anything to anyone.... why didn't I just put the phone down?
No comments:
Post a Comment