This morning saw me actually get up before the dogs barked.... by 4.30 am I was in the car and off up onto the tops of the White Peak to my thinking stone in order to watch the Solstice sunrise. Before now I've done a couple of Solstice celebrations with the local pagan grove, but I wanted to do this one alone.
My thinking stone ..... well it's a gritstone lump of rock in on a fairly high point of the moor with good views out over the peak district... it's fairly close to the picture that appears as my on-line avatar in various places. While this morning didn't give me a brilliant view of the sunrise, cloud cover being somewhat thick, it was the perfect place for me to have an hour or so of peace and calm to try and get myself to focus on certain things as gradually it got lighter and I could see further and further into the distance. There is something about the wide open spaces of the Peak, not to mention the peace and tranquillity, that allows me to put things into perspective.
My head has been a bit of a mess recently and I am drowning slightly in the whole work thing from last month. I need to put it behind me, but am failing badly to do this... unfortunately, it's having a negative effect on me as I have lost for the first time since I started this job nearly four years ago the love of the job and the work I do.... I am not sure why it's sticking so badly, as far as work goes it's dealt with and the matter closed, trouble is I can't seem to get past it. And therein lies one of those stupid problems that sometimes I can't forgive myself for things that aren't actually my fault in the first place.....I realised this morning that I have to let this go, I have to move on..... so that is the next big step to take. I am not sure how I am going to do this, but I am going to try rather than let it build up any more inside me as I do want to go back to enjoying going into work again.
My friend AP's condition is starting to deteriorate quite quickly now. She's at home receiving palliative care, and it does just feel a lot like waiting for the end. Which has made me realise that life really is too short. There are lots of things I'd like to do with my life, but as I am approaching 40 I am struggling to see where I am going at the moment. I feel a lot like something is missing, but I am not sure exactly what or how to look for it. There are some hang ups I still have as a result of past relationships which I need to work on putting behind me more... one of which is a huge trust issue I need to get over and I think this might be the starting point for moving forwards. I need to learn to stop pretending my own issues are less important or less valid than other peoples and to learn to speak up when something is bothering me. I know I have some bloody good friends out there, both in real life and on-line who will listen to me, I just need to open my mouth. So this would be the other step to take.
It's only two things to work on at present, but they are quite big things for me. I am not sure how I will achieve either, but I do know that I am going to make the effort and try.
I came back home feeling a little more together than I have been for a while, probably because I can at least now see a couple of things to work for....... (I was lucky, it didn't start raining till I was halfway home!)...so now I have to move forwards.
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