Taking time for myself

Normally I don't make myself promises to do things for me, because, well, at the end of the day, doing things for myself is something that seems to lack importance (as opposed to doing things for other people - which I know has led to me being told on several occasions that I am a doormat, who should only expect to get walked all over.... but I can't help it, it's just me, I like to do things for other people, hells I even like to look after other people, cook for them and stuff .... I don't consider myself a doormat, it's just the way I am).

So anyway, I made some decisions whilst I was off work over Christmas, part of which was that I was going to take time this year to do some things for myself.... the main one being to pluck up courage to go to the UK GLBT fiction meet in July....... as I posted a few days ago, the time off is now booked and I've realised that because I pay my Council Tax over 10 months rather than 12 I have a spare £90 in the budget in February and March..... £90 being the cost of the tickets for both days, but without a stay over (thank goodness it's only in Manchester!)...... So, come pay day at the end of this month (or the end of February if I bottle it) I am going to book myself a place..... and then have a good few months to psych myself up to go (or panic myself until I am completely grey!)..... I am terrible at meeting new groups of people - the last time I was a newbie at a meeting of internet people I managed to get myself into the kitchen to help out and could thankfully hide in there for most of the time on the pretext of being helpful - so not an option this time ....

Other things I am doing for myself include switching off at 4.00 pm when I leave work and trying to put it out my mind till the next day - which I have failed at big time so far.

I am also going to have a couple of evenings a week where I don't answer the phone - unless it's a pre-planned phone call (my counsellor really liked this idea!) or an emergency.

I am going to try and make more of an effort with the house - and look for a gardener that can at least come and tidy things up for me.

I am also going to spend at least three nights a week having a couple of hours playing with yarn, whether at home or when I am out (knitting after all does like to go to the pub and socialise)...... though I suppose this is really only partially for me as I don't knit for myself but love to knit for other people.  I don't like to promise to make things for people (okay so I do have 2 pairs of socks to knit for other people where they've given me the yarn so I must do those) but I like to surprise people with things.... my current project is one of these things.... then there are imminent new arrivals to knit something for....

This is dangerous though, because I find myself surfing Ravelry...... which resulted in me finding the perfect knitting project to do for a friend, as from recent conversation (which primarily involved a mission to the gutters to rescue my now very dented and tarnished halo, and for her to go hunting a pocket demon to train) I think this little chap would like to go live on her desk and help guard her pencils!  I wonder what colour she'd like??

Stone the Gargoyle
(www.devonmonk.com/knitting-gallery)

Allowing common sense to prevail.....

So, NaNo started yesterday, my finals are two weeks today, and at work next Wednesday I have to step up from deputy team leader (which I have been doing for about 4 weeks covering maternity leave) to team leader, whilst my boss is on honeymoon for the whole of November....... in fact, I will have to be myself, the deputy team leader, the team leader... oh and one of the other team members who is working out his notice and will be off at least a couple of days a week whilst he uses up his leave entitlement...... so erm, yes, I will in fact be doing the work of 3.5 people, including supervising the other 2.5 members in the team......

I hadn't really noticed how much this was starting to worry at me until a friend pointed out that I was becoming very ratty and short tempered........ of course I argued that I wasn't and apparently this proved his theory...... at which point I tried sulking until I got hugged into submission.

After a long chat about the fact that I am not in fact superwoman and cannot do everything we decided that something had to give, and as work and my finals aren't an option, the NaNo project has to wait....... I have been made to promise that I won't even think about it, let alone start writing anything until after my exams are over...... I am really not good at giving into these sort of things gracefully but I have promised.

I now also have a revision schedule........ which wasn't my idea, but apparently if left to myself I will faff about all day and not get on with it ......*sigh* It's nice but at the same time rather depressing to realise how well my friends know me.

So for the next two weekends I will be revising in two hour blocks three times a day... I will also be revising on Monday afternoon after I've been to my hospital appointment in the morning, and of an evening will be putting in an hour's notes reading before I am allowed to turn on the Kindle or do anything more fun....

I hate breaking promises to people I care about so I will now have to stick to this schedule as I know I will be asked how I am getting on with the revision.  I don't want to let anyone down, particularly when they've helped and supported me in something without being asked..... but good grief this is going to be a really boring couple of weeks......... There better be a nice reward at the end of it.....

To NaNo, or not to NaNo, this is the question...

So last year, for the first time, I decided to try my hand at the whole NaNo thing... I had an idea, a drafted plot and even lots of inspiration I'd bought together.... and then life, or rather work, de-railed everything by throwing at me a couple of cases to do some drafting of legal documents on that involved historical child abuse.... and that was it, the muse shut down, because my mind could not write a fictional story (which on route to a happy ending did have some abuse in it) when I knew it was horribly real for some people.

Now, the time is fast approaching when I have to decide whether to try again.........I possibly should, because I need to get myself back into writing to build my own confidence with it.  Then again I possibly shouldn't given that my finals are on 16th November.... and I will have to revise.

I'd just about talked myself out of not bothering when I came across this picture...

which started giving me some thoughts and ideas, at which the dreaded bunny pricked up his ears and joined in.....

Then over the last couple of days the radio has kept playing me this song.... which seems to want to lend itself to the story ....

And when I looked closer at the lyrics gave me even more ideas ..... and now I am not sure whether to just give in (with as little grace as possible) and start plotting much more seriously .... and *gulp* a proper f/f story.... 

Sirens by Nell Bryden

Last night I dreamt I was floating with you
The river so deep and the sky perfect blue
If we leave behind the dust in the sky
From the sound of Sirens the city will rise
Hold your hand in mine, we’ll swim against the tide
From the sound of Sirens love will survive

And when your heart is on the run
When its chains have come undone
I will always be the one to carry you home

Streets lie so empty, the lost avenues
The lights of Saint Vincent are too much to lose
If we leave behind the dust in the sky
From the sound of Sirens the city will rise
Hold your hand in mine, we’ll swim against the tide
From the sound of Sirens love will survive

And when your heart is on the run
When its chains have come undone
I will always be the one to carry you home

If we leave behind the tears in our eyes
From the sound of Sirens the city will rise
Hold your hand in mine, we’ll swim against the tide
From the sound of Sirens love will survive

And when your heart is on the run
When its chains have come undone
I will always be the one to carry you home

Updating by numbers....

1.  I finally discovered Hugo's special hiding place for my socks....... I mean, why didn't I think to look inside the cover of the duvet on the guest bed??  It wasn't just my socks I found... there was also a selection of cat toys that he's obviously hoarding from his mother (she's the one that likes to wake me in the middle of the night to play catch with the blue sparkly mice) and a piece of liquorice root (which I bought for my father and then lost a packet... I found what I thought was most of the packet - it had been hijacked out of my shopping by the cats - almost immediately, but I'd obviously missed this bit!

2.  Daddy long legs season has begun.... whilst sitting reading in the kitchen this evening I was visited by a couple of said creatures.... now I don't mind them.... and it's great exercise for the dogs who spent a good 90 minutes trying to catch the daddy long legs ... eventually Hope managed a death defying leap and brought one down (it involved her leaping onto the top of the freezer then halfway up the wall)... but she lost it to Kammi who for all her small, white, cute fluffiness you don't want to mess with.... well not if your Hope anyway... Ivan did a bit of chasing....... Gretchen didn't stir from her spot on the floor between my feet save to raise her head and glare that they were all disturbing her sleep and would pay for it later.....

3.  Tonight was my "talk about myself" session.... and cos I am a good girl (no honestly, stop laughing, yes, you) I had done my homework from last week.  We, well I with some prompting, have come to the conclusion that I do have a fear of finishing things, but this is because I have difficulty finding a focus on what I am going to do next so I put off reaching the end of things.... This week I have to finish two of my unfinished projects (apparently finishing reading a book does not count, dammit!)....There has already been a vote for the finishing of the husband socks, and I think the other thing I ought to do is finish one of the 4 outstanding short stories I started but then didn't get to the end of for the Goodreads YA GLBT group's monthly photo prompt... mind you that involves making a decision as to which story... and decision making is my other big "fail" area....

4.  In a fit of organisation (possibly brought about by the fact I have visitors to stay in just over a month) I have obtained a new electric shower ... erm, that makes it sound like it fell of the back of a lorry... it didn't... my sister purchased it for her house, then had a new boiler put in and her bathroom redone, including a power shower so she never used the electric one and I have been gifted it.... being even more organised I have arranged for a plumber/electrician (well, I have asked my mother to phone the family plumber/electrician) to come and fit it.... oh and to fix the scarily dangerous hanging down wire that was a light fitting in the lounge at the same time (yeah, I know, it's only been waiting to be done for, er, about 3 months)

5.  I have had an official summons from my sister and her other half to go to Sunday lunch.... apparently it's going to be a "family meal"..... I am suspicious.... (well, my mind goes into overdrive sometimes)

Finding a focus....

This morning saw me actually get up before the dogs barked.... by 4.30 am I was in the car and off up onto the tops of the White Peak to my thinking stone in order to watch the Solstice sunrise.  Before now I've done a couple of Solstice celebrations with the local pagan grove, but I wanted to do this one alone.

My thinking stone ..... well it's a gritstone lump of rock in on a fairly high point of the moor with good views out over the peak district... it's fairly close to the picture that appears as my on-line avatar in various places.    While this morning didn't give me a brilliant view of the sunrise, cloud cover being somewhat thick, it was the perfect place for me to have an hour or so of peace and calm to try and get myself to focus on certain things as gradually it got lighter and I could see further and further into the distance.  There is something about the wide open spaces of the Peak, not to mention the peace and tranquillity, that allows me to put things into perspective.


My head has been a bit of a mess recently and I am drowning slightly in the whole work thing from last month.  I need to put it behind me, but am failing badly to do this... unfortunately, it's having a negative effect on me as I have lost for the first time since I started this job nearly four years ago the love of the job and the work I do.... I am not sure why it's sticking so badly, as far as work goes it's dealt with and the matter closed, trouble is I can't seem to get past it.  And therein lies one of those stupid problems that sometimes I can't forgive myself for things that aren't actually my fault in the first place.....I realised this morning that I have to let this go, I have to move on..... so that is the next big step to take.  I am not sure how I am going to do this, but I am going to try rather than let it build up any more inside me as I do want to go back to enjoying going into work again.

My friend AP's condition is starting to deteriorate quite quickly now.  She's at home receiving palliative care, and it does just feel a lot like waiting for the end.  Which has made me realise that life really is too short.  There are lots of things I'd like to do with my life, but as I am approaching 40 I am struggling to see where I am going at the moment.  I feel a lot like something is missing, but I am not sure exactly what or how to look for it.  There are some hang ups I still have as a result of past relationships which I need to work on putting behind me more... one of which is a huge trust issue I need to get over and I think this might be the starting point for moving forwards.  I need to learn to stop pretending my own issues are less important or less valid than other peoples and to learn to speak up when something is bothering me.  I know I have some bloody good friends out there, both in real life and on-line who will listen to me, I just need to open my mouth.  So this would be the other step to take.


It's only two things to work on at present, but they are quite big things for me.  I am not sure how I will achieve either, but I do know that I am going to make the effort and try.

I came back home feeling a little more together than I have been for a while, probably because I can at least now see a couple of things to work for....... (I was lucky, it didn't start raining till I was halfway home!)...so now I have to move forwards.

So.....

There may be a new arrival at the mad house shortly....

My cat population may be increasing by one....

Basically, the person who allowed me to become the slave to Gina & Hugo is having problems with one of her other queens... she's not agreeing with the rest of the household and being a complete pain in the arse... she basically needs somewhere quieter with less cats/children/chaos.... so naturally she thought of me...

Yes, I need another cat like a hole in the head, but then again, it's no real hardship....... I am trying to be sensible (I know I have a bad habit of acquiring new additions to the family when I am depressed) but I don't know if I can turn this one down.  Her owner is going to have a long hard think about whether she wants to let her go and if she does I have first refusal....

So possibly this will be my new addition (yep another of those cats only a mother could love/ugly naked cat)

Bits and pieces post...

Today has been mostly about housework... that necessary evil that I can never get the critters to do for me.

That said, in my experience, the act of cleaning on the cat litter tray, whilst generally revolting is possibly the most grounding thing I can do... no matter how excited I get about something, or wound up for that matter, or if I blow things out of all proportion... there is always the cat litter tray to clean out...

Ok, aside from that - come deadline time I still was wavering about putting myself forward for the Love is always Write story that I had ideas for... it wasn't grabbed initially so I said I'd wait for an hour and then if not claimed I'd go for it...I'm really really glad I waited as the story was taken by Josephine Myles and given that she's one of my fav M/M authors I couldn't be more pleased I didn't go for it!

I still have the plot outline and synopsis, plus some character work, so I can always write it for myself in any event :)

This evening I had an official summons for Sunday Dinner at Mother's (yes it deserves capitals) which I remembered 30 minutes before I needed to leave - at which point I was still in dog clothes and in desperate need of a shower/hairwash... dinner was great.. though I did get the motherly glare the all three syllables of my full name said in that oh so special way for turning up a bit late!

Back to work tomorrow... weekends are too short...

Decisions, decisions.... or not in fact...

I totally suck at making decisions... I know this, I am the person who when asked what I want to eat at a restaurant or from a take away will sit staring blankly at the menu until someone basically tells me what I am having (you'd think having a more limited choice as a veggie would make it easier, but no).

So, today's big decision that I have failed totally to make... to put in a bid for one of the photo prompts on the Love is Always Write or not...

I have an idea, well, erm, I have an idea, a story outline, a brief synopsis and character names (which in itself is quite unusual for me) for one of the photos.... but... I also have reservations

I don't usually write to a timetable/deadline... I am a sporadic writer at best, probably because I am also working full time, trying to finish this professional qualification thing ... I can, when the mindset hits simply sit and write for hours/days, but there is no guarantee that will happen.... I wouldn't want to pick up the prompt and then let people down because I couldn't get the story out.

Then there is the other side of it.... can I really do this? Is my writing good enough? Now I've had a couple of people tell me that it is (including an M/M writer on the group) but, erk, I don't know...

I have till about 5 pm tomorrow (if  my time conversion skills are working) to make a decision on this.... though I have a feeling the prompt that is causing this is one that will go quickly so I will have to do something definite rather than just meander past later on and see if it's still available.

On the other hand, I could just use the prompt anyway and write the story for myself.... which whist this means no pressure and aside from my beta readers it won't see the light of day...

Ok, officially no clue what I am going to do about this, I was hoping putting this down would help make it clearer in my mind, but alas no

To Kindle or not to Kindle, this is the question...

I'm torn, part of me, the part attracted to little shiny electronic gadgets that make life easier and a lot more fun, thinks purchasing a Kindle would probably be a good idea.  Then there is the other part of me, you know, the one that is the reason that I have no working washing machine, blew up 3 microwaves in a year and can't have a toaster in the house just in case I set the place on fire (ah, yes, fire, erm, me and, a subject for another post maybe).

That and I suck at making decisions.... so I decided to try and list some pros and cons...

So, in favour of me having a Kindle
- After the initial purchase the books I down load are cheaper than paperbacks
- There is a huge amount of free stuff I can get on a Kindle
- There are quite a few "books" I'd quite like that are only available as downloads
- My bookshelves will thank me for not putting more books on them
- It's small and lightweight and can come to work with me - and no one can see what I am reading which will negate the whole embarrassed colleague situation when you tell them your reading M/M erotica with your egg mayo butties.

Against having a Kindle

- I have no willpower when it comes to buying book and "ooh, cheap download" said too many times a week is dangerous when I don't have the physical proof of a book in front of me

- The initial outlay would be substantial - might as well get the best or I'll be in the same "Eep!! not enough memory" I had over my first MP3 player

- I like books - yeah, i know, technically a download is a book, but I can't stroke it, or smell the paper (ok, stopping that one in case of strange looks with raised eyebrows)



Devil Dog and Leader of the CDS
(the horns, pitchfork and forked tail don't show
up on photographs)



- What if it falls victim to the Canine Demolition Squad.... I've witnessed their amazing destructive powers over small electronic gadgets.... could I survive if they destroyed my Kindle and I lost all my books.

Argh, i don't know......... Maybe I'll buy some more books whilst I think about it