A "relaxing day" as only I can have.....

After only two days back at work I was so tired last night that I fell asleep on the sofa at about 6.30 for a couple of hours.... then spent half the night awake, thinking very random thoughts, unable to get back to sleep.  I eventually gave up and got up at about 4 am, let the dogs out and then dozed with them on the sofa till about 9 am.....

It's been raining pretty solidly the last 3 days and I was feeling very creaky so phoned mum and told her I wasn't going to be coming to visit as I wanted a nice quiet relaxing day at home........ or at least that was what I was hoping for...

It started well, I did some reading, pottered round the kitchen, put away the supermarket delivery and then about 3 pm wandered through to the lounge.  Fire on and NCIS marathon, book if needed, yep I was all set.... well for about 90 minutes till the dogs wanted their dinner.

I put them in the kitchen, threw wings at them and then shut the door on them to go up and see to the dietary requirements of the felines.... nipped on the net for 10 minutes and then went back downstairs.... let the dogs back out the kitchen and herded them towards the lounge.... where Hugo flew over the baby gate towards us and landed right in the middle of the dogs!

Cue bedlam....... Now I know that Ivan will attack and possibly kill if he catches a cat, so he was my main concern... I managed to scruff him and stuff him back into the kitchen.... only Hugo went through too and ran a circuit or two around the work tops, table and cooker before landing on the floor amidst the dogs again ... they chased him out and at one point had him cornered in the hall.  Again I extracted Ivan and got him back in the kitchen, by which time the girls were all running around frantically in the hallway, leaping up and down and generally being very excitable.... but no sign of Hugo, so I assumed he'd gotten away over the baby gate and back upstairs........ wrong!

I let Ivan out, only to have him leap onto the night crates they sleep in which are under the stairs.... he then got behind the storage boxes that have their towels and spare bedding in.... at which point I realised Hugo was in fact wedged at the back of the crates...... extraction process commenced again, with the girls herded into the lounge behind one gate, Ivan unceremoniously scruffed and dropped over the kitchen baby gate, and then Hugo safely gathered in from where he was wedged......... one quick once over of a furious and extremely stressed cat revealed no serious injuries, but he then proceeded to pee all over me....I have some minor scratches to my hands caused as he flung himself over the bannister to rush upstairs.......

The dogs went to their crates for an hour whilst I calmed down.......

I've since checked everyone over and the damage is as follows:

Ivan - limping on both front legs where he's got cat bites across the lowest joint on one side and a small hole in his pad on the other
Gretchen - small claw mark by her right eye
Kammi - ripped ear (sheesh they don't half bleed)
Hope - nothing at all except a confused look (she actually gets on with the cats and plays with them)

I have cleaned wounds, applied antiseptic and arnica (and thrown antibiotics into Ivan)..... there has been no sympathy or bed time biscuits though.

As for Hugo.... aside from needing a bath quite desperately he's a couple of scratches that have taken some pigment off but nothing that has broken the skin....... he's still a bit skittish but is currently curled up on my hip occasionally purring, so I am guessing he's getting over it.

So much for a nice quiet relaxing day........

Stress levels rising...

I've mastered the first part just working
up to the second....

My finals are in 3 days... well actually in 60 hours....

I don't feel like I know anything - which is ridiculous as the subjects I am being examined on I work at every day - but I am at the stage of looking at case law and Civil Procedure Rules and my mind is just going blank.

After a full day's work I can't revise of an evening or I get to the stage of either wanting to curl up in a ball and cry or having a complete out tantrum, stamping my feet and yelling "I can't do it" at the top of my voice.

I'd liked to have had more than 1 day off before my exams to put in some more revision but that's not an option (and my standing in as team leader got off to a flying start this week when first thing Monday morning one of the team came to me to hand in her notice.... that wasn't on the briefing I got before taking on the post for a month)

Time I think for lots of deep breaths and calming thoughts

and if all else fails I shall do as the picture advises...

More pre-exam mumbling....

There is really no avoiding the imminence of my finals..... not only is tomorrow my official "revision day"... which is going to be painfully boring as our very dry and un-humorous course leader runs through what we will need to revise but today in the post I received my official letter confirming my seat and giving me my candidate number........ I have a really, really strong desire to run away, or stick my fingers in my ears, shut my eyes and sing loudly whilst pretending this isn't happening...... ah yes, that river in Egypt again... denial....

I think one of the problems is that I've always fought off getting a professional qualification.... I've been doing the job, or a variation thereof, in the legal sector for over 15 years and managed rather nicely without it...... trouble is, once I have this, I have a title, I have essentially a career, I can tell people what I am (hell I can even swear oaths and sign passport photos) ...... what I'm hoping is that this doesn't mean that I have to be a grown up and all responsible?

I think that I've resisted the whole qualification route because to me it seems like that is it, that my career path is set, that my future is mapped out to retirement .... and you know what... that scares the hell out of me.  I want to go do other things, to explore, to have fun, to chuck it all in and try my hand at new things..... but a qualification says this is what I am, what I will be..... at least it does in my mind.

Last time around, when I failed to turn up for my finals for my chemistry degree, I already knew that I had no intention of doing anything with the degree I'd worked for and I didn't see the point of putting myself through the exams.... I wonder now how much of me was subconsciously thinking that if I sat those exams, got that qualification, my life would be mapped out by it.... at 22 it really didn't matter all that much, I had my life ahead of me, I could change directions.... but I'm nearly 40 now.... and it's not so easy to think that way.

I will sit the exams this time, after all I owe it to my employers, who have paid for the course, my boss, who I don't want to let down, my family, who have been so proud that I am finally getting a qualification for the work I am doing....... trouble is, I can't find it in myself to sit the exams because I want to, because I'm proud of what I have achieved....

I wonder if this says something about me.... I don't do things for myself.... I knit for friends and family, I write stories for other people, I will go help out when and where people need it.... I've been living in this house for nearly 4 years and aside from buy a few new books and replace the pieces of electrical equipment when I've blown them up, I've actually done nothing for myself, I had a list of things to do when I moved in but, hey, it's just me living here, so why bother.....

I think part of the trouble is, I like doing things for other people ......  okay so I am not so sure about the work related items.... that's more the fact that I find letting other people down is the hardest thing in the world to forgive myself for and if I do let someone down, be it in work or a friend, letting go of the guilt, even if it's only perceived by me, is really difficult..... doing something for myself though, all I can think, is why bother, it's not worth it, I'm not worth it.

The week in numbers....

because right now my brain is not functioning into forming a proper coherent post....

1.  This week I have slept.  A lot.  Now I've never been one of those people who needs 8 hours sleep a night, or in fact someone who gets 8 hours sleep a night (thank you critters)... my night pattern tends to be along the lines of go to bed about 10 pm ish, read till eyes go gritty, get up at about 2 am to let the dogs out (Ivan bless him can't go overnight) go back to bed till 5.30 am then get up and get ready for the day.... so some nights, depending on how long I read, I will actually only sleep from 2 am to 5.30 am... erm, yes, no, 3.5 hours a night is really not enough sleep....... this week I've spent two nights where I wander through to the lounge at about 6.30 pm... and by 7 pm I am asleep on the sofa buried somewhere under the critters, well Gretchen, who drapes herself round my neck like a scarf.  I obviously needed the sleep and as I am still rather more tired than I'd like I think that an afternoon nap may be the way forward tomorrow and possibly Sunday....

2.  My counselling session on Wednesday was a complete snot and tissues fest...... I failed spectacularly to make a list of "positives" in my life and was pretty stressed out anyway (it happens when I have days off work that make up a long weekend... basically, Friday I unwind from work and try to put out my head what I should be doing, Saturday and Sunday I enjoy, Monday I wind myself up panicking about what will be on my desk on Tuesday... and then try to fit 6 days work into 4....).... Counsellor thought the session was worthwhile... I begged to differ.... hopefully we can move on from the current subject next session.  Mind you, she did point out something.... you can't leave grit in a wound and expect it to heal cleanly.... meh, she has a point, but really, I didn't want to hear it then and I am trying to get my head round it now...the grit in my mental wounds is quite ground in and it's proving a bugger to shift.

3.  I have run out of knitting projects........ okay, I am lying here.... I have run out of things that I want to knit.... I have a list of people who I owe socks too and absolutely no inspiration to knit for them.... the last things I've knitted quickly and happily are for people I care a lot about.... I should at least try and get on with them... or finish the shawl I've been knitting for aeons....

4. I've managed to pick up a load of books from Dreamspinner's tweet away this week... which is good... but I want them on my Kindle... so this weekend I am going to try and master the art of transferring stuff from pc to Kindle..... there maybe screaming... for I am the original techno-numpty....

5.  Hugo and I aren't talking....... he split my lip last night when he leapt on the computer desk and smacked straight into my face with the top of his head... he then clawed my foot in the night...... he got kicked out the bedroom and has been sulking ever since.

6.  I have done no revision at all..... and it is now less than a month to the exam.... I have a revision day run by the governing body next Friday in Manchester... then the panic will probably set in..... last time I had to take exams I turned into the complete brat from hell .... this time I have no one to firmly tell me to pack it in.... I think the critters may wish to seek new humans by the time November is half way through....

7.  I am staying in and being a good girl this evening, though there is some research on the cards for this weekend I am trying not to get myself arrested....... that said, I really could do with finding out what a police interview room looks like these days..... it's been a while since I last found myself in one......

8.  Okay, back to my book I think, I have a major fantasy kick at the moment, be it M/M or not, and I feel a re-read of some of my favourites may be in order....

The Finals Countdown....

Well, today I filled in my application form for my finals in November...... okay, I know I couldn't have got out of this, after all I've studied for the past three years to finally qualify in the specialist field I work in... but it took quite a bit of persuasion from my colleague (who is also sitting the exam, despite the fact her baby is due 4 weeks before hand) to get me to fill in the application for my place..... two exams, each of two hours in length, theory in the morning, practical in the afternoon (yes, really a practical exam in law... and it doesn't involve any form of mock court appearance thankfully) and it's all over...... well hopefully!

I hate exams.... in fact, I got to this point with my first degree in Chemistry having passed the course work for three years and then bottled it and didn't show up for my finals.......okay so I knew I didn't want to do anything with a qualification in chemistry by that point, but still, looking back now it was a bit of a waste!  I don't want to rinse and repeat but with just under three months to go I am already starting to panic a bit...

I talked to my counsellor about it earlier.... and, leaving my abilities to panic for no real reason aside, it was pointed out to me that I have a rather bad habit of starting things and not finishing them.... whether we are talking about studying, projects I start or other things in my personal life .... so I have to consider loose ends this week.... what in my life is half finished, or even 90% finished, that I have just failed to round off and more importantly why I seem to have almost a phobia about completing things or as she put it taking the final step.... she'd also like an action plan of how I intend to finish some of these things...... which kind of got a raised eyebrow and a "we'll see"

I think having been forced to talk about it earlier it must be time to ignore it all for the rest of the evening and go take myself and my book to bed....

If only falling over was an Olympic sport....

Last night's blog post never happened due to another moment of well, accidental stupidity, on my part..... you remember as a kid you were always nagged to take things upstairs and not to just abandon them on the stairs.... well what do you know there is a good reason for this.  

I got in from work last night and threw the dogs chicken wings at them then went to pacify the cats with offerings of edible things (I'd even remembered to buy some biscuits for them in the vain hope they'd stop screaming at me about how starving they were)....So, I safely negotiated the babygate at the bottom of the stairs (despite no babies, I seem to have more babygates than the average baby owning household for goodness sake) and got four steps up, whilst carrying a new sack of cat litter and the biscuits. I was carefully negotiating with the cats on the whole "let me get upstairs without treading on you" thing when I put my foot on some papers I'd left on the stairs, slipped and crashed in an inelegant manner back down the five or so stairs I'd managed and crashed into the babygate.

I was very impressed I didn't manage to smash through the babygate being as I am no lightweight... I do have some impressive bruising, only impressive as it's an imprint of the stripes on the babygate up one leg, oh and an on my left arm but that one is just a boring splodge.  I think from the looks I was getting my efforts didn't earn me high marks from the onlooking cats or dogs, for either technique or artistic merit......in fact I possibly lost marks from the cats for delaying the arrival of their food!

I have not been at work today.... instead I have been having a "study day", no not a euphemism in any way shape or form for skiving off work and doing bugger all...... I have actually been studying.... scarily effectively too as I managed to do two of the assignments I've been procrastinating about.... just have to hope the tutor thinks they are good enough to submit for marking now!

Mum finally had her surgery today - despite the hospitals promise of "you will be first on the list" she didn't actually go down for surgery till 2pm.  My sister visited her this evening as she was back on the ward if rather groggy still.  She is hoping to be discharged tomorrow evening...... she is obviously the member of our family that does optimism as my sister and I think it will be Friday.  Just pleased it's over and done with though now.

Work related whining...

Working in the legal field you come across a wide variety of people - both in terms of clients and the people you work with (whether they are in the same firm, on the opposite side or in Court).  Now save for in Court (where you have to mind your P's and Q's - Judges are addressed as Your Honour, then Sir/Madam, unless they are a master, and then they are addressed as Master, even if they are female... ) I have a tendency to address everyone exactly the same way... whether it's a senior partner or the post room runner... in my mind you treat everyone respectfully, politely and professionally...

In return I kind of expect the same thing....which to be honest you usually get from outside your own firm... ok there is the odd unprofessional moment... like the sudden marriage proposal I got from an opponent when I phoned to say that a Court hearing wasn't going ahead wasn't something I expected....

So year end approaches, and within the firm those people with financial targets are getting edgy, and probably taking it out on people lower down the food chain.... now whilst the area I work in involves actually getting us paid (yes, I haggle over large amounts of money for a living... not totally accurate, but the job I do in the legal profession is a fairly small field so I am not going to put the actual job title down because I whine too much about work on this blog... ) I am not responsible for actually writing the damn cheques, or ensuring that money is received.... Unfortunately, some people can't see it this way and whilst year end means that tempers are frayed surely it's not on to take it out on someone else?  It isn't as though it's the actual people with the targets that are being rude, but in the last two days I have been talked down to and had stroppy and downright rude e-mails from junior assistants, who are basically jumped up secretaries.

Now I would let this wash over me, but my tolerance levels are not high right now and uncivil behaviour really raises my hackles..... this final quarter is going to be sheer hell I know it is, and I can see myself having to gag myself to stop myself from ranting back and possibly sit on my hands to avoid replying to e-mails without thinking about it.

I shall keep repeating to myself, I am a nice person really, I will not stoop to their level, I will let the stress wash over me.... and then I might treat myself to a large vodka...

one of those bits and pieces posts....

I do have a couple of "proper" posts of things that I've been thinking about recently that want to get down in the near future, but tonight is not a night for particularly coherent thoughts, and a sneaky week night vodka and Pepsi max didn't help!

So instead, some random mumbling from the recesses of my over caffeinated brain....

- the ear phones finally turned up last night... I switched off the pc and wandered through to the bedroom just after 11 pm and there they were in the middle of the bed... I tried cross examining the cats, but the insist it wasn't them - we obviously have a magical black hole that can make earphones disappear from the stairs only to reappear 10 days later on the bed.........

- This evening I have finished writing a contract for frozen/chilled semen exportation ... I take on some very strange favours for my friends.....

- my working day today has very much been a "Monday"... we are approaching a financial quarter end, and the next one after this is the big one .. year end.. when every single person who has a target to meet will be screaming at those of us responsible for making sure the money comes in ... I did ask my team leader today if I made target before year end could I give up working and write instead ... ok, she is one of my beta readers/naggers... apparently as much as she'd like me to get on with the 2nd instalment of the book she's read she doesn't think those higher up the food chain will approve.... Monday-ness was not helped by having to format and proof read a 160 page legal document... hell I'd written the damn thing and couldn't work out what the hell I was meant to be saying at times.....though I do find it amusing that I can easily spell huge big long legal words and fail miserably to spell the short words.

- To combat the feeling of overwhelming panic about mum's hospital appointment tomorrow I might have accidentally have downloaded more books onto the kindle... I must stop this... though as I get 2 months off paying housing tax the temptation is to spend the money that would have gone to the tax man on books....

Ok, enough waffling, time to go lurk elsewhere on the net until I remember what being tired feels like...

Random act of kindness

By home time this afternoon my weekend plans had kind of been shot to bits, I was meant to go visit my little net sister tomorrow, but she has to go work, and not even at a time when I can visit round, oh no.  Then I got an e-mail from my tutor gently reminding me that my criminal law assignment was overdue (grumble, grumble, moan, whine, what do I need a professional qualification for anyway) which means that tomorrow I will finish the thing and get it submitted.

So, by the time I nipped into the petrol station come mini supermarket thing on the way home I wasn't overly delighted with the world.

I filled up the car and went and picked up a few bits and pieces to get me through the assignment (I find that ice cream helps these things - yes even if it is about -5 out there at present).  When I got to the checkout there was one person in front of me who was just finishing up.  Anyway, a bloke came in with cash just to pay for petrol so, because my parents bought me up to have manners and also because he looked a bit flustered, I let him push in in front of me.

He smiled said thanks and I thought nothing more of it.  He paid and then turned round, smiled and said thanks... and then handed me a small bunch of daffodils that he'd picked up from the flower display next to the till.

The daffodils are in a bright yellow mini bucket that doubles as a vase on the kitchen windowsill and I am all happy and touched that someone did that just because I let them queue jump

It is sometimes the little things that can make you feel a huge amount better about stuff.

A minor wobble to round off the day

It's nearly 11 pm and possibly far past my bed time, but for once I've been indulging in a social life and have just got back from seeing Othello at the Crucible Theatre with a group of friends from work.

It's been a while since I've seen a Shakespeare production and I really enjoyed this adaptation.  Dominc West (from The Wire) played Iago magnificently and the other stand outs were the two main female parts - Desdemona (Lily James) and Amelia (Alexandra Gilbrath).  My only gripe would be with Clarke Peters who played Othello himself, who sometimes seemed to mumble over his lines as spoke extremely quickly in places.

Unfortunately, I managed to get a parking ticket which wasn't part of the plan.

So, why am I not in bed.... well, mainly because I am having a wobble, not a major wobble, just a little one.  Tomorrow I have to go enrol on the third and final year of my course.. which after I complete (and sit and pass an exam) means I will be qualified to do my job.  Ok, so not a big issue, really, honestly.. but, actually it kind of is.

I went to university at 18 and thoroughly enjoyed myself, well outside of my course, the thing was, I screwed up my A Levels big time and was desperate to get out of home so just went to the first University that would take me with the pathetic grades I had, and I ended up studying chemistry.  I completed the course, save for one little thing, I didn't bother to turn up for my final exams.. yeah, I know, looking back it was bloody stupid, but by then I'd already decided that that wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. 

To put off real life, I managed to elected to the Student Union Exec for 12 months, then realised I had to find a job and drifted into Law, where I've been ever since.  When the big life change happened 3 years ago it meant a new job, which came with the condition that they paid for and I studied to get my professional qualification.

Which means, tomorrow, I have to drive 2 hours each way to enrol on my final year, oh and sit a compulsory 5 hour module which basically involves how to fill in forms.  I don't want to go.  Being professionally qualified to do something seems awfully final, like that's it, I've finally grown up and got a proper career.  I'm just not sure that it's what I want to do with my life.

I know I am being silly about this, I don't have to do this for the rest of my life, but right now there is only me here and I kind of miss having someone to tell me to pull myself together and get a grip, because I am not doing a brilliant job of telling myself.

That said, this feeling is very similar to when I enrolled for my first year of this course... at which time I went into denial and melt down and wrote an 86,000 word novel instead of getting on with my assignments.... who knows, I might get a second book out of it!

Right, stop it, go to bed, now.....