More pre-exam mumbling....

There is really no avoiding the imminence of my finals..... not only is tomorrow my official "revision day"... which is going to be painfully boring as our very dry and un-humorous course leader runs through what we will need to revise but today in the post I received my official letter confirming my seat and giving me my candidate number........ I have a really, really strong desire to run away, or stick my fingers in my ears, shut my eyes and sing loudly whilst pretending this isn't happening...... ah yes, that river in Egypt again... denial....

I think one of the problems is that I've always fought off getting a professional qualification.... I've been doing the job, or a variation thereof, in the legal sector for over 15 years and managed rather nicely without it...... trouble is, once I have this, I have a title, I have essentially a career, I can tell people what I am (hell I can even swear oaths and sign passport photos) ...... what I'm hoping is that this doesn't mean that I have to be a grown up and all responsible?

I think that I've resisted the whole qualification route because to me it seems like that is it, that my career path is set, that my future is mapped out to retirement .... and you know what... that scares the hell out of me.  I want to go do other things, to explore, to have fun, to chuck it all in and try my hand at new things..... but a qualification says this is what I am, what I will be..... at least it does in my mind.

Last time around, when I failed to turn up for my finals for my chemistry degree, I already knew that I had no intention of doing anything with the degree I'd worked for and I didn't see the point of putting myself through the exams.... I wonder now how much of me was subconsciously thinking that if I sat those exams, got that qualification, my life would be mapped out by it.... at 22 it really didn't matter all that much, I had my life ahead of me, I could change directions.... but I'm nearly 40 now.... and it's not so easy to think that way.

I will sit the exams this time, after all I owe it to my employers, who have paid for the course, my boss, who I don't want to let down, my family, who have been so proud that I am finally getting a qualification for the work I am doing....... trouble is, I can't find it in myself to sit the exams because I want to, because I'm proud of what I have achieved....

I wonder if this says something about me.... I don't do things for myself.... I knit for friends and family, I write stories for other people, I will go help out when and where people need it.... I've been living in this house for nearly 4 years and aside from buy a few new books and replace the pieces of electrical equipment when I've blown them up, I've actually done nothing for myself, I had a list of things to do when I moved in but, hey, it's just me living here, so why bother.....

I think part of the trouble is, I like doing things for other people ......  okay so I am not so sure about the work related items.... that's more the fact that I find letting other people down is the hardest thing in the world to forgive myself for and if I do let someone down, be it in work or a friend, letting go of the guilt, even if it's only perceived by me, is really difficult..... doing something for myself though, all I can think, is why bother, it's not worth it, I'm not worth it.