A whining post about parents....

Sorry, this is a purely letting off steam kind of post as if I don't vent here I am going to either end up bursting into tears or yelling at someone that totally doesn't deserve it.... feel free to skip said post and visit again later...

Dad hasn't been very well since New Year..... which is like the understatement of the year given that he's dying, he's just being a bit more serious about it at the moment.  The doctors mucked up his medication and he ran out of one of his tablets, as a result he has been stuck in bed for the last three weeks nearly.  His partner (sheesh, nearly 18 months on and I can't bring myself to call her his wife) is crap... back in October/November he had a bad reaction to some of the drugs he was trying out and all his joints became swollen so he couldn't get out of his chair.... but she left him there without food or drink to go to work with no one in the house for 9 hours!  When ever she worries about him, which obviously happens a fair bit, she phone my mum and whittles on at her about him and and all her worries........ No matter how hard we try to get her to phone either me or my sister she won't do it.... mainly because dad doesn't want to upset my sister and the partner knows I have no time or patience for her.

Mum has decided, after seeing dad before Christmas (yes, they are still friends, and speak to each other, visit etc), that dad has in fact given up and is just waiting to die.... which is upsetting, but being a hard hearted bitch (my mother's words a couple of weeks ago) all I can think is please, just let him go soon and painlessly.... and yep, am still a complete coward who can't face going down to see him.

Last week I posted a bit about mum's straight laced lodger, who it appears is really taking the piss.  Mum let her rent the attic before Christmas and was under the impression it would be short term till the lodger found somewhere to rent properly or bought another property..... only she's done fuck all bout finding somewhere else to live - why would she, mum's only charging her peanuts to stay there.... they were friends, but the way things are going the friendship is going to blow up very shortly as the lodger keep criticising mum and making snide remarks.  Mum asked her when she was moving out, as she has visitors coming at the end of February - only to be told that the visitors could come in half term when the lodger would be house sitting for a week! WTF!!

What with the lodger, the radiator leaking just before Christmas (which meant she needed a whole new set of radiators), dad and the water pouring through the roof incident last week mum's anxiety levels have understandably gone through the roof.  This evening (or rather today) her telephone has gone on the blink and despite several calls to the service provider, and them assuring her it was fine, she lost her temper with them when it still didn't work.... She then phoned me for sympathy and when I couldn't help her with her phone hung up on me..... she then phoned my sister and had a tizzy down the phone to her.

My sister phoned me in tears after mum hung up on her.  Apparently mum's been phoning her having these kind of massive anxiety attacks at all hours of the day and night.... and when the phone rings really late at night she picks it up in absolute fear that it's the call to say dad has gone.  Mum has always had a bit of a problem with alcohol, she started drinking rather heavily when she and dad were getting divorced and whilst it's been fairly under control she does tend to drink whiskey when she's anxious, which makes her very depressed. (Mum's drinking is one of the reasons I don't really drink and am happy to be the designated driver if I am going out)  My sister admitted that when she and her partner went round for dinner on Saturday last week mum had drunk a small bottle of whiskey... my sister was mortified as her partner had never seen mum like that in the year that he and my sister have been together.

Tonight we were both pretty sure she'd been drinking again, so first my sister and then I tried to phone her mobile... which she'd switched off.  We ended up going round to check on her because in her anxious state, with alcohol, we were worried she'd do something stupid.... she hadn't but she was in a complete state.

My sister and I really don't know what to do, she won't admit the anxiety is a problem - we both want her to speak to her doctor about it... we also want her to formally get rid of the lodger.... we are going to speak to dad's partner and make it clear that she has to stop burdening mum with her problems about dad

Arghhh, I just wish I could fix everything......

Owning your mistakes…

A long, long time ago, in a distant galaxy.... oh no, hang on wrong post.... 

A long , long time ago when I was in that precarious stage of still being in the last year of school and having not made any decisions about what I wanted to do with my life (yep, nothing has changed there, still no clue just a lot older now!) I started work part time at my local vets … as time went by I progressed from being the general dogsbody to being an assistant nursing tech – which included helping with everything from cleaning out kennels to assisting in surgery.

I loved every minute of it, even the heartbreaking ones, and though working in a veterinary surgery was ultimately not what happened with my life I did learn a great deal which my current family of assorted critters still benefit from.  But there was one far more important thing that I learnt from my then boss, a very gruff Yorkshire man who took no prisoners and wouldn’t tolerate anything less than exceptional standards from his staff....

His advice…. If you make a mistake, own it. 

Now whilst this advice was given to me when working in a field where patients lives could be at risk if you screwed up, it’s something that has always stuck with me and something I’ve done ever since.  I’ve taken this through several places of work and for some reason it always seems to surprise my bosses that I will put my hands up and say when I’ve done something wrong.

Making mistakes is just part of being human.  I know that I am not perfect, I do screw things up sometimes and when I do I am not going to lie and hide it, or blame someone else.

I think that if I was ever asked to pass on to someone else the most useful piece of advice that I was ever given this would be it…. Yes, sometimes mistakes cost you, but ultimately not as much as the lies used to cover them up.

There is another side to this though…….as has recently been learnt by someone I thought was a friend…….. never ever try to blame me for mistakes that I have not made, it will not end well.

The perils of not thinking things through...

Today has possibly not been one of my best kind of days (I'd blame the continuing lurgy, but if I'm honest, nope, it was in fact just me)

Here's the thing, sometimes I'll get an idea, and it's a good idea which gets me from point A to point C without all the faffing about that usually goes on via point B... ie it seems like a bloody good idea at the time..... Yeah, well I had one of those ideas today... it seemed brilliant as these ideas often do, but alas for the lack of forethought and planning, seriously, not so much...

To cut a very long story short, en route to point C from point A I fell into a totally self manufactured hole which I then needed to dig myself out of with a great deal of tact and diplomacy, which are so not my forte....

Suffice to say I will perhaps be thinking a little more carefully in future to avoid the same occurring again....

Random act of kindness

By home time this afternoon my weekend plans had kind of been shot to bits, I was meant to go visit my little net sister tomorrow, but she has to go work, and not even at a time when I can visit round, oh no.  Then I got an e-mail from my tutor gently reminding me that my criminal law assignment was overdue (grumble, grumble, moan, whine, what do I need a professional qualification for anyway) which means that tomorrow I will finish the thing and get it submitted.

So, by the time I nipped into the petrol station come mini supermarket thing on the way home I wasn't overly delighted with the world.

I filled up the car and went and picked up a few bits and pieces to get me through the assignment (I find that ice cream helps these things - yes even if it is about -5 out there at present).  When I got to the checkout there was one person in front of me who was just finishing up.  Anyway, a bloke came in with cash just to pay for petrol so, because my parents bought me up to have manners and also because he looked a bit flustered, I let him push in in front of me.

He smiled said thanks and I thought nothing more of it.  He paid and then turned round, smiled and said thanks... and then handed me a small bunch of daffodils that he'd picked up from the flower display next to the till.

The daffodils are in a bright yellow mini bucket that doubles as a vase on the kitchen windowsill and I am all happy and touched that someone did that just because I let them queue jump

It is sometimes the little things that can make you feel a huge amount better about stuff.

Tightly coiled spring impersonation....

Since Saturday, apparently unsurprisingly to those that know me, I've been getting myself slowly more and more wound up about things that I cannot change.... in this case mum and her lump...

Tuesday, she met the Consultant and the nursing team, and today she had the scan..... and she won't get the results for probably a week......

I cannot hurry the results, I cannot change what ever the results are, I cannot in fact do anything save wait and be patient .... yeah, right, instead I have been getting more and more wound up about it, wanting to do, well, something, anything.... it reached the point this evening where I have just been informed that I am being a right royal pain in the neck and that I need to pull myself together and get a grip... it was also pointed out that I need to do this now rather than wind myself up further for the next seven days as my work is suffering (and my assignment is still not done) because my concentration is shot to hell...I've also been horribly snappy and rude (there will be apologies tomorrow)

So, when I've read the riot act to Gina and Hugo - who have destroyed 2 toilet rolls in 2 days (and these things do not grow on trees) and have yet to confess as to the whereabouts of my headphones - I have strict instructions to take myself off to bed and stay there till the alarm (ok, well Ivan) goes off tomorrow.....

A minor wobble to round off the day

It's nearly 11 pm and possibly far past my bed time, but for once I've been indulging in a social life and have just got back from seeing Othello at the Crucible Theatre with a group of friends from work.

It's been a while since I've seen a Shakespeare production and I really enjoyed this adaptation.  Dominc West (from The Wire) played Iago magnificently and the other stand outs were the two main female parts - Desdemona (Lily James) and Amelia (Alexandra Gilbrath).  My only gripe would be with Clarke Peters who played Othello himself, who sometimes seemed to mumble over his lines as spoke extremely quickly in places.

Unfortunately, I managed to get a parking ticket which wasn't part of the plan.

So, why am I not in bed.... well, mainly because I am having a wobble, not a major wobble, just a little one.  Tomorrow I have to go enrol on the third and final year of my course.. which after I complete (and sit and pass an exam) means I will be qualified to do my job.  Ok, so not a big issue, really, honestly.. but, actually it kind of is.

I went to university at 18 and thoroughly enjoyed myself, well outside of my course, the thing was, I screwed up my A Levels big time and was desperate to get out of home so just went to the first University that would take me with the pathetic grades I had, and I ended up studying chemistry.  I completed the course, save for one little thing, I didn't bother to turn up for my final exams.. yeah, I know, looking back it was bloody stupid, but by then I'd already decided that that wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. 

To put off real life, I managed to elected to the Student Union Exec for 12 months, then realised I had to find a job and drifted into Law, where I've been ever since.  When the big life change happened 3 years ago it meant a new job, which came with the condition that they paid for and I studied to get my professional qualification.

Which means, tomorrow, I have to drive 2 hours each way to enrol on my final year, oh and sit a compulsory 5 hour module which basically involves how to fill in forms.  I don't want to go.  Being professionally qualified to do something seems awfully final, like that's it, I've finally grown up and got a proper career.  I'm just not sure that it's what I want to do with my life.

I know I am being silly about this, I don't have to do this for the rest of my life, but right now there is only me here and I kind of miss having someone to tell me to pull myself together and get a grip, because I am not doing a brilliant job of telling myself.

That said, this feeling is very similar to when I enrolled for my first year of this course... at which time I went into denial and melt down and wrote an 86,000 word novel instead of getting on with my assignments.... who knows, I might get a second book out of it!

Right, stop it, go to bed, now.....