Emotional tipping point...

For a while now I've been operating in that kind of blank state where I don't allow myself to feel anything emotionally.  If I'm honest it probably started back in May when the work fiasco collided with finding AP's condition was terminal and the sudden amount of, for want of a better word, counselling I was doing for friends.  The reason I can pin point it to May is that since then I've not been able to write ... I need my emotions to write, I can't write when I can't feel.

The thing is, I learnt at an early age that sometimes my emotions were best put on hold whilst I dealt with everyone around me.  It's actually probably not a good habit to have. I know I still do it when I don't want to deal with something emotionally difficult, I know that I will do it in order to help any of my friends and I know my counsellor gets very cross when I do it.... but sometimes it's just the safest and easiest thing to do.

Trouble is, after a while, I go numb.... I don't allow myself to have any emotions at all, I just drift along and do what I am expected to with my life.  I'm also very good at hiding it.... I can act appropriately happy/excited/sad etc, I can do sympathy and mean it, but as far as my own emotions go I lie.  There are only two people who ever really get an answer to the question "are you okay?" with anything like the truth.... neither of which I've had access to in the last couple of months.

At AP's funeral on Monday I felt like I was going through the motions, and it's been like that all through the week.  Today I went out with friends for a lovely Spanish meal and appeared to have a wonderful time.. thing is, I actually didn't feel like I was there.... it was like watching myself from the other side of the room as I laughed, chattered and shared jokes.

I think the realisation that I was that so far removed from my own emotions hit a tipping point this afternoon when I was curled up on the sofa and the really naff children's film I was watching suddenly made me start to cry.... and cry.... and then I couldn't stop.  I'm not sure how long it went on for because I fell asleep and although I woke with a horrible headache I felt a lot better.

I've given myself the evening off from everything, no phone calls, no texts, no msn and am about to hit a long hot shower before having a early bed time in the hope that the release from the crying will help me sleep.  With luck this is a timely wake up call and I can get a grip on my emotions and admitting that just sometimes, no I am not actually okay.