I'm bored
Completely, utterly, totally and terminally bored
Bored with work, bored with my home life (if you can call it a life), bored of winter, even at some points bored with reading.
And I haven't got a clue what to do about it.
I feel like I want to make some major changes with just about everything in my life, but then I just kind of falter because I haven't got a clue how to start making them. There are things I want to change that are just totally out of the question, there are things I would love to change but I haven't got a clue how to and there are things I could probably change but am just too damn scared to actually do anything about it.
So instead, I stay stuck in this stupid rut of get up, sort critters, go to work, come home, sort critters, read/knit/write and then go to bed only to start it all over again... with the exception at the weekends when I miss out the work bit and get to do laundry and housework instead.
Looking at friends at work who are all in their early 30's I see them all with friends, families, lives.... Then I look back thinking what the hell have I actually done in the ten years since I was about there age..... and realise I have absolutely fuck all to show for it.... in fact, I could go back further and say 20 years without stretching the point.
It's not even as though I feel like I've failed at life...... more that just I haven't got a life........I can't even remember when I did last have one (or at least one of my own that wasn't manipulatively controlled by someone else)
It's not like I can't be organised and dynamic and go do things for myself..... I am just failing right now to see the point.
Oh well, I'd best not break the cycle of boredom, time to go to bed so I can be up for work in the morning.......
I hope the arrival of spring comes early and these feelings turn out just to be seasonal.......
:( *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am bad for ruts. Realizing that I'm on the autism scale was sort of a light bulb moment re: some of those ruts (most people probably don't eat the same breakfast for 30 years, or the same dinner for 5).
When I was younger, it seemed I always broke out of ruts in some very dramatic manner (running away from home at 16 to live in Florida for a year, dumping a serious boyfriend to date someone else and then dumping him, etc). I don't think I have all that drama in me anymore. Which isn't necessarily bad...