Nano musings... the role of fan fic in my writing...

The day before NaNo kicks of and, unsurprisingly, I’ve been thinking more and more about writing, particularly my own… (no honestly, not to stem the rising feeling of “What am I thinking??”).

I’ve always scribbled for my own amusement, my mother a couple of months back was cleaning out the attic and found one of the earliest things I wrote (a time slip type murder story) when I was about 10 following a visit to a ruined castle.  It’s actually not that bad for a 10 year old.

I more or less stopped writing at the age of 14, thanks to an English teacher who was very dismissive of my work and consistently marked it two grades below where it should have been (In the end I had to have all of my coursework re-marked externally to prove that she was deliberately doing this).  This left me with a huge crisis of confidence over whether I could write which unfortunately persists today (And is probably the reason why despite having written, had proof read and edited, a novel which I am still not confident enough about to send out to an agent, despite the frequent nagging of my beta readers/guinea pigs – it’s not even due to a fear of rejection, that happens to everyone, but more because I can’t get my head round the fact that it might be good enough).

Anyway, roll forward to my days of spending more time on line and discovering the joys of bulletin boards and fan websites.  I started writing again in 2002, my first attempts at fan fiction… which were nearly all in the YA/Children’s genres (my original work tends to be YA/Fantasy).  Since then, fan fiction wise, I’ve written several short stories, some proper 100 word drabbles (which are harder than I thought), and with the help of an adopted plot bunny 2 full length finished pieces and 1 not quite finished… I’ve also written a couple of crossovers between authors and genres (fun but very hard to keep your head straight).  My fan fiction was posted on line and I had a lot of help, encouragement and support from the other site users which helped my confidence… or at least with the fan fiction (the only original work I’ve posted on line was a 300 word short shot story)

Even when I fan fic it’s tended to be developing a character after they’ve left the setting that the author portrayed them in or moving say the main setting of the book and some characters to the modern day and then adding a whole new set of characters.  I am not overly keen on putting my story into the middle of the author’s own words… (Really not big on the whole phenomenon of fill in stories by other authors or a new author continuing a series after the original author died)

One thing that I don’t think I will ever do again is to fan fic the work of a living author, particularly one who is still writing about the characters... I did this in the crossover I wrote and then panicked somewhat when another site user pointed out that this particular author frequently searched for fan fics and read them…..

It’s a combination of the fear of upsetting an author whose work I enjoy and the fact that I don’t think it’s particularly fair… I wouldn’t particularly like it if someone did it with character’s I’d spent the time nurturing to life and writing about (though this doesn’t stop me from having evil plot bunnies that plant ideas they shouldn’t… such as  - How does Rex the Hamster in the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich live so long? - I am sure Ranger has a secret Rex breeding project so he and Morelli can replace Rex each time he dies…… Or the more recent one about what happens if Zane & Ty from the Cut & Run books of Urban & Roux got seconded to NCIS….)

I am looking forward to starting NaNo tomorrow… and for the first time trying my hand at writing something not in the YA/Children’s Genre… I am not so sure that if I do finish, or even get part way through, what I write will ever see the light of day outside of my own computer.

NaNo preparations and plotting...

Having read back yesterday's rather needy and pathetically whining post I was tempted to delete it and pretend it hadn't happened... but, after thinking some more I decided, no in fact I should leave it... if nothing else, it will perhaps serve as a reminder that I have moved on the next time she phones!

OK, onwards and upwards.  Today has been one of indulgence on my part, I went for coffee and gossiping and then have spent the afternoon reading (finished A Bit of Rough by Laura Baumbach, and then someone re-tweeted a link to MLR's free read for today, which was Cheating Chance by James Buchanan... have now moved on to Roughousing (sequel to Bit of Rough) because I am a completest and my OCD tendencies kick in strongly at times like this and I will buy all books in a short series in one go, even if I've no idea if I'll like the books)

I have also been plotting for NaNo.  I think I am pretty much set on the contemporary M/M story... I have the main character's bio's outlined, I have pictures to represent them and I have relevant song lyrics and other inspirational things all ready to put up on the wall in the kitchen above my lap top tomorrow.

My plan is to write first thing in the morning before I go to work.  With the clocks going back tonight and the dogs not understanding the whole concept of an extra hour in bed I shall be up at silly o'clock for at least a week till they sort out their body clocks, I am guessing I can get at least a couple of hours in between walking them and having to get ready for work... providing I can avoid being distracted by the wonders of the interweb.

So that's it, all set, I think, I hope..... oh except one small thing... trying to work out whether to write first person from just one character's pov or whether to use third person and then I can have both points of view, and anyone else's whose passing for that matter.  I can and have written in both before, but in first person I have only ever written female characters and I wonder how difficult it will be to write a male character first person.. oh well, I've, oh 2 days left to work that one out!

The Ex strikes again..........

Well that was fun... not!  I've just been subjected to a sympathy phone call from my ex... which shouldn't really be an issue, but for some reason still after over three years, it kind of is.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a "woe, I'm still in love with her" kind of issue, hell I can pin point exactly the day I realised I didn't love her anymore (we were having an argument and I went to leave and she physically grabbed me and pulled me back across the kitchen - I don't do violence in any shape or form). It's more a realisation of exactly what the cost of the whole fiasco of a relationship was to me.

I'm not talking financial cost, though that was staggeringly high (she moved in with me she'd just had her house repossessed, when we split somehow ended up with our 5 bedroom house), and I was the one who she told all our friends, my family, hell casual acquaintances, was no good with money... and like a fool I handed over control of my wages and bank account.... yep really wise to do when you know the other person has several CCJ's, a repossessed property and a company in liquidation. I was truly that stupid and naive.

No, this is more about the personal cost, and every fucking time she phones, with this smirky gloat in her voice, you know the one with a hint of pity cos she's doing you a favour talking to you, I can't help but realise how much I've lost. 

3 years, and I am still trying to find my way back to what I was before we started a relationship 6 years before that... 9 years, that long that sometimes I really don't know if I will ever find my way back to who I was.  Hell I'm not sure I still remember.  I've only one friend that remembers me from before then - my other friends she carefully alienated and kept me away from.  I couldn't make approaches to them now if I wanted to because of the things she told them.

She even used to phone my parents and my sister and tell them how worried she was that I was psychotic and a danger to myself.  She threatened to have me sectioned after one argument.... shocked the hell out of me at the time, now I know better.  All she ever wanted was for me to give up work and become her full time cook, cleaner and kennel maid... I'd say housewife, but that sort of implies a level of partnership in the relationship, but we hadn't had that for along time.

I'm glad I am not still trapped there, the last 12 months, when she'd moved in her new girlfriend, now wife, were pure hell... I don't know why I ever thought we should at least try to remain "friends", possibly because we have a lot of other friends in common, perhaps because my parents despite the divorce are still friends (though hers aren't in fact the can't even stand to be in the same country as each other... I should have taken more note of that).

I know that I am strong enough to find myself again, I can do this.  I have a new home, a new life, new friends, but 30 minutes of listening to her on the phone and it all comes back, all the things I can't do, all the things I do wrong, all the reasons why I am not worth anything to anyone.... why didn't I just put the phone down?

Change of plans...

I had plans for a blog post this evening that was related to writing - fan fiction/fillers and original work to be precise... but I should know better than to plan ahead!

It's been an "interesting" couple of days in the whole "these things only happen to me" kind of way.  Tuesday I got volunteered to make a large birthday cake, which as a result saw me making butter icing and decorating said cake (Pink Glitter Icing!!) at 5.30 am on Wednesday - cos like that's a normal time to get up and ice a cake isn't it?

Then on the way into work, somehow, I managed to cut my leg with the carving knife... it was for the cake, I don't usually carry a carving knife... I'd dropped it into the plastic bag with the cake just before I left for work and somehow, between the car park and my desk I, erm, well, stabbed myself a bit..

My natural inclination to blow up anything remotely electrical struck on the way back to the car the same night... got in the lift, punched the button for the fifth floor, the doors closed.... and all the freaking lights went out in the lift.  Before I could grope around on the control panel it started moving so I held my breath and hoped that when it stopped I would be on the right floor.  Ok, yes, I'll admit to being a little scared.

Things were going well this morning, I made it to my desk without incident... hurrah.. opened my bag, to discover my yoghurt had exploded all over everything..... emergency rescue of book, mp3 player and phone (in that order)

I had no plans for this evening save for walking rent a mob in the pouring ran and then chilling out with a book.... until my mother texted at about 3 pm to ask if I'd mind taking her to the minor injuries unit as she'd "hurt her finger".  So, I got to spend 2 hours in a hospital waiting room whilst she was prodded and x-rayed, she's got a chip fracture to her index finger on her right hand and has torn the ligaments... but she's fine, she says, only now she's sulking cos I've taken her car keys away to stop her from driving till she's fixed.

The other side of this evenings visit was amusing though.  Without thinking both of us took books out of our bags in reception, she then swiped mine with the words "What are you reading?"  (It was A Bit of Rough by Laura Baumbach)... queue me, in the middle of the waiting room, having to explain to my mother all about the M/M Genre... thank goodness neither of us embarrass easily.... the same can't be said for those sitting round us I'm afraid.

Now my mother is very open minded for a 74 year old and wants to try reading some M/M books - I thought I'd start her with Tere Michaels Faith and Fidelity Series.... any other suggestions of what to start her with welcome... I just hope when she's read some (she will, she won't just try one) she'll not try her new found knowledge of gay sex out on anyone unsuspecting!

Midweek Musical Mumble

Apparently it’s only about 8 weeks to Christmas… sheesh, where has this year gone?... and my mother has declared that she needs me to provide us with a list of small items I want for Christmas (and no apparently Amazon vouchers isn’t a sensible answer apparently… )

This means I’ve been flitting about the net looking at which bands are releasing new material in the near future, so far I’ve added to my wish list Florence and the Machine, Snow Patrol, Evanescence. 

This year has been a good one for albums that I’ve bought, amongst them Elbow, Death Cab for Cutie, Foo Fighters, REM, The Vaccines, Horrors, Guillemots, Little Comets ….. (ooh, future blog post topic towards the end of the year, I can review favourites). 

There are several of my favourite bands that I am hoping for new material from next year (Frightened Rabbit, Biffy Clyro, Killers, Detroit Social Club, Editors, Doves, Foals). Hopefully not in the same month though as I will be sticking to my self imposed edict of 1 CD purchase per month.

So, to finish, for no other reason than I was listening to this today, one of my favourite tracks from Foals last album….

Unsocial Networking and Lurking....

Last night I deactivated my face book account.  There was no drama, no panic, in fact probably no real reason to do so.  Simple truth was, as I don’t play games, as I don’t really use the status updates/friends/chat things (and as I really didn’t appreciate back in June finding out through my dad’s partner’s page that she and my dad had gotten married without telling me or my sister) I didn’t really see the point.  I wasn’t using the site, it was just sitting there, with my details on it – and given the ever changing security issues I just thought to myself… what is the point? As I couldn’t find a reasonable answer I deactivated.    So yes, unsociable networking!

I’ve been playing around on the internet for what seems like since it came into common use; as far back as 1993 I was part of a group of students who had a very basic bulletin board and live chat system that linked up about 5 universities – through which I made friends I still have today.  However, as time has gone on the net has grown and changed massively, as have my interests and outlooks…

These days I suppose more than anything I am a lurker…. in an internet sense, not in a darkened alleyways kind of thing … I am a member of various forums (in particular those in relation to books, music, dogs and knitting – grief I really am very boring), as well belonging to several Yahoo groups.  Myspace and Bebo passed me by.

I blog here, and in the past have blogged elsewhere, I read a lot of blogs other people write and am known to follow links around the net till I can’t get back to where I started.  Blogs interest me, both those which promote the blogger as part of their work, those that inform, and those which are essentially a personal record of the blogger (rather like this one is).  Someone tweeted last night whether we thought she should capitalise her subject headings on her blog... but as I replied, I subscribe to the “it’s my blog and I’ll post what I damn well please” school of thought and she should do what she wanted to, not necessarily what was expected.

Aside from this blog, the only exception I have to my status as a lurker/unsociable networker is Twitter – for some reason I seem to be able to tweet incoherently on a far too regular basis.  I guess because it’s in real time, it’s only 140 words, in which it is quite hard to piss someone else off! (No this blog and my Twitter account aren’t linked – it is possible to work back one way or another and connect them, but there is no definitive link – why? Because I have work colleagues and some friends on my Twitter feed who might feel uncomfortable with some of the things I blog about).

I used to post regularly on some sites, and joined in with meet ups arranged by one book group (why yes, I did freak my family out – you are going away for a weekend with a group of people you met on the net, are you mad?).  So why am I “only” a lurker these days?  It’s not that I no longer have opinions, thoughts or in rare cases relevant experience.  I will occasionally post, but I am not going to answer every post, comment on every thread, on every site I visit.  If the site, forum or group is a large one, or has a very obvious clique of people that it’s just not worth going up against then I won’t post - a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am a wimp.  I don’t like arguments; I don’t want shooting down in flames if I say something that is not agreed with, life is too short to upset myself this way.  There is also a fear of being misinterpreted – with group users all over the world, sometimes the way something is said is taken completely the wrong way, something said with genuine intent appears sarcastic, or something said in fun is taken the wrong way (usually for the lack of an emote).  It’s a case of been there, done that, slunk off and licked my metaphorical wounds, don’t want to rinse and repeat.

In nearly 20 years of using the net (during which time I have actively moderated several sites as an independent moderator with no interest in the subject of the site itself) I’ve made lots of friends, both virtual and eventually in some cases in real life.  I’ve only ever come across a handful of people who are not genuine, those who rather than having something to say just have axes to grind or who are just there to troll.  These are usually fairly easy to spot.  Lying on the net is no different from lying in real life – sooner or later you will mix your stories up and it will come back to bite you on the bum.  Okay so I probably leave myself wide open to being fooled, but until I’ve evidence to the contrary I am not going to jump to any conclusions about anyone or anything. 

A little tolerance and forethought goes quite a long way.  I sometimes wish you got a pop up box that said “are you sure you want to post this”.  Just taking time to think about what you are saying, to ask yourself is this post going to hurt someone? Do I need to say this?  It’s easy to be judgmental or to make accusations about someone when you aren’t in the same room – but would you walk up to someone you only knew in passing and make the same statement to their faces?  My other bug bear is that although everyone makes mistakes, yes really, everyone, very few seem to be capable of saying “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”  Wouldn’t it make the net a nicer place to lurk.

Sometimes there is minor ranting....

We had an outbreak of children in the office today - that is to say, someone dropped in on their day off bringing their kids with them, then there were the photos of the new baby born last week to one of my other colleagues.  So as we all fawned over said children I ended up with one hanging onto my arm, at which point someone turned round and said with some surprise "You're actually really good with kids!"

The conversation then went via, "it's a pity you won't have children of your own" to "oh, at least you've got the dogs."  At which point my boss told us to go back to work whilst I gritted my teeth and stewed furiously about what was said.

Firstly, yes, I am actually good with children... I actually had every intention of becoming a primary school teacher - until I messed up my A Levels that is.

So far as "it's a pity I won't have children goes" .... erm, won't?  FFS these people work in a firm that runs regular seminars on pink parenting!  Thing is, what they don't realise is that in my case it's not a case of won't but rather can't - as I discovered the hard way.  Technically I should have a 17 year old daughter, but after a miscarriage at 5 months they discovered that my immune system is so wonderfully screwed up that i would never carry a child to term as my own body won't tolerate the "invader". 

Looking back now yeah, sure I have regrets, but I couldn't have offered a stable home at 20 years old. Added to which my child was the result of a pity fuck (best friend at Uni, he wasn't coming back to complete his degree and we didn't know if we'd see each other again after the summer and well, one thing lead to another...) plus the week after I lost her I have horribly vivid memories of standing in a phone box (yep, I'm old it was pre mobiles being something everyone had) on a dark, wet February night and him telling me that he'd be getting married in the summer to a divorcee with two young kids... I figured he probably didn't need or want to know...

It took a long time to accept I'd never have kids, hell for about 8 years I couldn't go near babies - until I had no choice and ended up being a friend's birthing partner when she went into labour and her drunken husband got thrown out the hospital. 

Then there was the last comment - my dogs, sheesh, they are dogs people, not children, they aren't human, they don't grow up (well they do in their own way) and as much as I love them and technically they are part of my family, they are still, you know, dogs.

I am quite happy to live vicariously through other peoples children and can let my maternal instinct run wild with my friends kids.  It has been noted that I will "mother" anyone - it doesn't even need to be children - hell throw the right expression at me and I tend to go on autopilot (which some of my adopted net family discovered to their advantage at meet ups) ... I am also a "feeder"  if you sit still long enough in my vicinity I will try and ply you with food and drink, hell I even make up care packages.