The not so happy mother's day....

There is a saying, I think the original is in Welsh, that goes "for every wound, the ointment of time".  

The wound part actually translates as grief and, whilst in away I think the saying holds true generally, some days you just get this ultra huge kick in the gut that says, remember me, the guilt, the loss, the absolute frickin emptiness that lodges around your heart.

Yup, that would be me today.  I knew that there were going to be times this year when it was going to get me - in particular at the end of May which should have been my daughter's 18th birthday, but I hadn't figured on today.

Mother's day doesn't usually bother me, partially as I am extremely grateful to have my own mother still, particularly when I have close friends, many of whom are younger than I am, that don't, but also because my family have never been big on celebrating it - hells my father won't have anything to do with father's day which he just says is crass commercialism and we should be nice to him all year round anyway!

The trigger for all this is really stupid.... my mother handed me a small bunch of roses and said that the critters had phoned her and told her to buy it for me from them...... gah!  Ok, firstly I hate that people think my animals are surrogate children, they aren't, they are pets, I may love them dearly (most of the time) but they are and always will be animals.... the second part was, I stood there looking at this damn bunch of roses with my mum smiling at me and thought "One of the things I always wanted most in the world and I'm never going to have this."

Nearly 18 years on, having lost something I never really had, it's really stupidly hard how much it can hurt and the wanting for something I can never have just makes me feel completely empty.

 

Bits and pieces part, oh about 9....

Now I don't do much in the way of sporting things but I do follow Formula 1 and so this morning saw me get up, walk the dogs and settle on the sofa with one of the current knitting-in-progress items (there are several UFO's lurking in the bottom of the project bag) to listen to qualifying... it's very odd only having it live on the radio rather than watching on TV... but hey, I nearly reached the heel flap on the second of the husband socks I started, erm, ages ago (not my husband mind you, I've not suddenly changed teams and got married!) .... tomorrow will see more knitting along to F1 for the race itself.

Then as it's Saturday, there was housework, there always is, it's the downside to working full time and owning too many fluffy animals, come the weekend the house looks like bomb went off in a fur factory and it's the only time to deal with it.... then there was laundry (which involves going to mother's as I still haven't fixed the washing machine) and the horror of the weekly supermarket shop (no children were harmed this week by accidental trolley manoeuvres)

I came back with good intentions to write, which I did for a while, but then got side tracked and read two short stories that I was  a bit 'meh' about, and got sucked into a full length story I'm really enjoying.

Tomorrow is Mothering Sunday here in the UK, and rather than spend a fortune taking mums out for lunch my sister and I decided we'd cook and have a family Sunday lunch instead... only she let mum choose the menu.... I always get landed with puddings, mainly because I like to bake.... only I was gleefully handed a recipe this morning and told "make this".... so I have been flapping about the kitchen making home made lemon ice cream and brandy snap baskets to put it in... there are fresh strawberries to garnish.... I've made a chocolate cake too, just in case it all goes pear shaped!

Right, and now I have to go pick up all the books from the top shelf which Hugo has just thrown all over the study in an attempt to, well I'm not sure what he was doing, no maybe the idea was just to throw the books... bloody cats!

Midweek, oh no hang on...

So my days are all completely out of kilter, I did manage about 5 hours sleep last night but still feel there's a bit of catching up to do

However, not sure that's going to happen for, oh about three weeks!.  As I sat this evening at the computer staring blankly at the screen and waiting for the voices in my head to tell me what to write I suddenly realised it was awfully quiet considering the back door was open and the dogs weren't sitting on my feet.... so I stuck my head out the kitchen window and discovered there was a complete flooze fest going on .... not just with the dogs but the fox was on the other side of the fence tarting for all he was worth.

Quick investigations followed and I have not one but two of the girls in season.....  Ivan's had a couple of Valerian tablets, I've had a stiff drink and seriously considered if I can get the angle right to shoot the fox out the bedroom window (I think not, the windows aren't big enough to get my stance right to balance the bow and I worry the cats will try to help.....)

Anyway, not quite midweek music..... something they've played a fair bit on the radio recently which I rather like....

The Saga of the Never Ending Tuesday

Yesterday it was declared "Grumpy Tuesday".  Mainly because I got to work and just, well, didn't want to be there.  Not sure why, nothing horrible was lurking in the piles of paper that littered my desk, there were no e-mails from scary people (yes, when I get an e-mail from a Master at the High Court I do have this strange urge to stand up when reading it).. in fact it was a normal boring Tuesday....

Thing is, it's actually still a normal boring Tuesday... it's turning into the longest Tuesday in the history of Tuesdays...Mainly because I haven't actually managed to go to sleep yet.

Last night went something like this...
11 pm - realise it's an hour after pumpkin time (ie the time I should really be in bed) and tear myself away from the computer
12.30 am - still reading and starting to wonder if I will ever get to the stage where my eyes go gritty and I can go to sleep
1.40 am - Ivan decides that he'd actually quite like to go outside... so I head downstairs to let the dogs out, faff about for a bit on the smart phone (really must hide that over night in future) and then put the dogs back to bed
2.30 am - still lying in the dark trying to work out if sleep is going to ever actually happen
3.30 am - lots of noise outside sets the dogs off again, so downstairs I go and let them out again.  Decide sod it and head into the lounge where I curl up under the blanket kept down there and try in vain to fall asleep on the sofa...
4.00 am - just about asleep, I can feel my eyes going...... and the sodding cat decides to stand halfway down the stairs and meow loudly and pitifully... which sets all the dogs off barking... and I'm wide awake trying to shut everyone up.
5.15 am - give up, throw some clothes on and head to the park with the dogs
6.00 am - dogs fed and watered, coffee in hand I head back to the sofa with my book... and this time I manage to actually fall asleep... till the damn alarm goes off at 6.30 am so I can get ready to go to work.....

So with a brief nap for about 15 minutes this morning my mind has spent the day thinking it's still Tuesday... I did manage the whole day at work (Goddess alone knows how, and I must re-check all my work tomorrow to make sure it makes sense) and this evening I have managed to persuade my characters to co-operate long enough to get another 1,000 words or so down on paper.......I've put the dogs to bed now and headed upstairs with a view to going to bed.

Only, erm, I'm not tired now!!!

Looking forwards....

(as a round up from the weekend posts - the cats are never ever ever having treats again..... the damn things threw up on my bed....)

I was feeling particularly Mondayish this morning when I got to work, so I looked at the calendar in an attempt to cheer myself up.... three more weeks and I get a week off for good behaviour (actually it's a bargin - 4 days of leave and because it falls over Easter weekend I get 10 days out the office in a row)... I usually have this week every year but didn't think it would happen this year as I had a hearing in a Court at the other end of the country in the middle of the week, but thankfully it settled and I got the leave booked as soon as I could.  

I also have my little net sister coming to stay for the week.... which means there will be much laughter, reading, nattering, chocolate and cheesecake :).... there may also be going out into the countryside, and watching silly films and other such things... but mostly there will be reading and chocolate..... we have simple needs

On the downside... two weeks after my holiday is the writing deadline... now it is all going fairly swimmingly, there is a plot, and some characters (that won't do what they're told but that's about par for the course) and even a fair few words on the screen...... until my brain kind of went "unk", 5 weeks, and other people are posting to say they're finished and, erm, oh shit, help, what am I doing.... 

So I've sat here taking big deep breaths, and told myself I can do this, and torn out the pages in the calendar so I can't obsess and keep taunting myself as to the ever approaching deadline......

Sunday Sunshine and Silliness

Well last night was a wash out on the getting to sleep stakes as the Great Cat-nip Fiasco continued... after extracting Hugo from the remnants of my clothes airer I tried the whole go hide under the duvet thing... which was only partially successful as they kept using the bed as part of a race track.  Gina gave out first and came to lay in the middle of my back and purred stupidly loudly... unfortunately Hugo decided to attack and kill my dressing gown, which was hung on the back of the bedroom door.  He eventually succeeded in beating it into submission and then raced about under it for a while till Gina got interested and pounced on him.. They then had a massive wrestling match (or punch up without claws) before both falling asleep at about 2 am in the middle of it.... the dogs then got me up at 4.30 am........

If anyone can work out why I have critters please let me know because I am not so sure at the moment.....

This morning was far too nice to stay indoors so we took the two better behaved in public dogs out in the Peak District for a little walk... we saw lots of sheep and new born lambs .... oh and daffodils, before stopping for coffee and strawberries which we ate sitting outside in the sunlight..... didn't feel like March at all, more like mid May :)

This afternoon there was a severe outbreak of housework and some writing before I tried to get organised about work tomorrow.

In my wisdom, and to use up some of the excessive amount of nearly at it's best before date fruit I had in the fridge I decided to make smoothies for breakfast tomorrow...... which was a really damn fine plan..... until I didn't quite screw the top of the blender down completely...... grief that stuff splashes far!  Though it's a bugger to get off the kitchen windows and I now know should be removed immediately from the boiler front before it bakes on.......... oh well, I live and learn!

Disjointed mumbling & stoned cats

I have Kindle the Third!!... it is charged and my books are back where they are meant to be... but I have been good and not turned it on to read them as I have been trying to write... trying being the operative word as for some reason the words would not come as I wanted them to today and I spent a goodly part of this afternoon sitting in front of a fairly blank screen saying "I can't do this".... which is stupid because I know I can and what's more I will, today was just not a day for writing apparently

Nor was it a day for trimming the beech hedge that fronts my property....... apparently I should never have been and never will be trusted with the hedge trimmer again as long as my sister lives (it's her hedge trimmer)..... I kept the neighbours amused for a bit (whilst making sure the children stayed well back!).  There was no blood involved, and the house alarm only went off once whilst I was trying to do it... but I might, possibly, have taken a chunk out the wheelie bin, and the gate post... which isn't even near the beech hedge..... erm....

Thank goodness one of my friends is loaning me her husband to come up and finish the trimming in a few weeks!!


Thanks to a conversation yesterday, I am craving chocolate, not just any chocolate, I want chocolate covered coffee beans.... but alas I have none... actually there is no chocolate in the house at all, which I am not sure how this happened as I went shopping today, but it appears that I walked past all the chocolate and didn't buy any!

I did buy cat treats.... sadly cats noticed where I had hidden them and I've just come upstairs to discover they've eaten a month's worth of cat nip filled treats......... They've done a fair bit of racing about and now Hugo is wobbling a bit, and has fallen off the bannister rail, Gina keeps trying to sit on my shoulder and head-butt me... she's being far far more affectionate than usual..... I wonder if they are going to be hyper or chilled out so I can go to bed.... oh no, Hugo is now trying to..... erm, no... that didn't work... must go rescue the laundry as he's just managed to collapse the clothes airer with himself inside it.......