I have "days off".......

Ok, yes, we all get them, it's in the contract, but for some reason, no matter how hard I try, when December rolls around I have rather too many to use up than the month allows for... I am in fact not working a whole week till sometime in mid January (and that's with rolling 5 days over to next year)

They nag us and tell us to make sure we take our leave.... and then send us e-mails of virtual whip cracking telling us we are behind target, we need to make sure we get paid, at which point everyone starts yelling at our department cos, hey, were the ones that make sure that this happens (why yes, I do spend most of my days haggling over large amounts of money, or drafting long documents saying why we are worth the money we are charging).  And they wonder why we don't take time off!

Then there is the other problem with days off.... I can't wind down... I shall spend most of tomorrow, and Monday when I am also off, thinking about what I should have done, what could go wrong and whether I should phone in and check....... yeah, cos like that's healthy.....


I did however leave a large sign on my desk warning them of dire retribution of anything remotely looking like a Christmas decoration is put up in my pod (nope, I am not really a killer whale either)... I am so easily distracted by the "oooh sparkly......"

midweek, music and marmite....

It is the middle of the week (though work wise for me only one more day! Yay!!). Which of course means I inflict my musical tastes on anyone wandering through

As my home town was in the (inter)national news .... because the motorway that runs past it was closed due to a spillage of Marmite (love the stuff personally!) which has kept us all in bad jokes for the last two days... i thought I'd go with a couple of bands from the city.  There are loads more, these just happen to be probably two of the most recognisable.

Pulp were probably one of my favourite Brit-pop bands (I am that old) and this is probably my favourite song

Arctic Monkeys... I love the title of this one because it is just such a Sheffield expression

And now I am going to go back to lurking around the net... though the thread I was having to sit on my hands to avoid responding to on one of the goodreads fora has at least disappeared....

lacking confidence........

I feel more and more like the cowardly lion at the moment... this weekend I got nagged at by a friend I visited about (a) submitting my book to an agent and (b) getting my finger out and writing some more of either the 2nd book or ones of the short stories I've started.  Now the being nagged isn't new, she along with other friends who beta for me have been on my back for a while about it... particularly after we've all read some truly appalling YA books recently.

Trouble is, when it comes to sending off the book....I don't think I can cope with the rejection at the moment.  I know getting published isn't easy in this country and I don't want to go down the self publishing route, so I can't avoid having to deal with the rejection letters.  Part of me is torn between the satisfaction of having written it (and having people who I know will be honest about my writing tell me that it's good) and the fear of letting people I don't know and therefore don't know if I can trust read what I've been writing.

I know a lot of this stems from being told in the past that I "can't write" and that what I write is "rubbish".... I also know in somewhere in the depths of my brain that the people who said these things to me ... one an English teacher who thought that this sort of thing would push me forwards and the other my Ex who I know know was just determined to undermine me in any way she could... well, their opinions don't actually matter.... trouble is smothering the tiny part of my brain which knows this is the bigger part of my brain which says, no they are probably right, just leave well alone and stick to reading and write only for yourself.

Gah!  I can actually drive myself completely round the twist having this argument with myself..... particularly when I know full well I am confident enough when at work to argue a matter in Court before a Judge.

I want to do something positive about my writing and the only way I am going to do that is to bite the bullet and let other people read it.... to that end, I am going to try and join in the monthly short story thing on the YA LGBT group on Goodreads ... that is if the picture spawns a plot bunny for me (Rupert... yes, my head plot bunny has a name... has been having "ideas").... If I do write it, I shall then just have to fight for a while with myself as to whether I post it....

Hiding from myself....

Is it possible to read too much?  Only I picked up a couple of books from the sorting office this morning (Bound to Please by Kimberly Gardner and Dash & Dingo by Catt Ford and Sean Kennedy) and I've read one already and am part way through the other.

Now, ok, it's a well known fact that I have no social life, and reading is how I unwind after work (before work, during work), but it is getting, erm stupid.  On Friday I downloaded 2 books and a short from Dreamspinner, which I read the same night/next morning, I re-read three other books over the weekend as well..... I didn't do nothing but read, I did also go out on Saturday for most of the day and Sunday for the whole day.

I can see for myself that I am using the books to hide in rather than facing my own life - possibly because work is relentless pressure and stress at present - the amount of big brother syndrome is starting to seriously freak me out.... though my boss felt I was being a little sarcastic when I asked this morning when we had the CCTV cameras fitted to our shoulders to watch what we were doing all day.

More so perhaps because my head is, to be blunt, little fucked up with lack of sleep and too may thoughts that I don't want to be having, let alone dealing with.

I should, I suppose, try sort my head out and let go of the crap I don't need to carry around in it... particularly those issues which don't involve me directly, which I can do nothing to change but which persist in nagging at me that I ought to do "something" or that if I stop thinking about them it will be almost like I have given up caring, which I haven't at all.  Unfortunately, letting go isn't my strong point and until I can work out how without feeling like shite (or someone pulls me up short and makes me face it) I am going to have to live with it... or at least go hide out in another book till hopefully it goes away.

Drive safely.....

Today has been fun

well, except for one thing

I have discovered that in unexpected winter sunshine, care should be taken when lowering the sun visor on the car for the first time in ages....

I speak from having had the experience of failing to take such measures and as a result being slightly shocked (ok, I'll admit, shocked to the state of high pitched girly squealing) when a large hairy spider leapt off the visor towards me, landing on my chest, as I was driving along....

Luckily nothing was coming in the opposite direction as I swerved across the carriageway having taken both hands off the steering wheel whilst I attempted to extract said spider from my person.


The spider was later extracted from the moving vehicle..... I do not feel particularly guilty about this!

Waste of a weekend....

Even without a social life, the trouble with working full time and running round after rent a mob (particularly given their current routine of getting me up at 4.45 am) is that by the weekend, hell no, by Friday night, I am too tired to do, well, anything much.

I want to spend my weekends doing fun and exciting things... or failing that writing... but alas there is always the joys of the housework, the laundry, supermarket shopping and all the other not so fun and exciting chores.  I found myself wishing this morning as I stared at the collection of dog hair that was threatening to mutate into some sort of alien creature with a will to take over the world (or at least kill my hoover) that I had a cleaner, or possibly a housewife.

Now a cleaner is not an option - I can't afford one for a start, and secondly I'd probably have to pay them danger money to cope with the critters!  Housewife ... hum, yeah, no that's not going to happen... every relationship I've been in, even where we've both worked full time, I am the one that tends to be the more domestic...

So today, between playing taxi driver for my mother and doing laundry (twice - because the last load I did I used the wrong washing powder - which I am allergic too - and only realised after I'd been wearing clothes washed in it.... not a good thing being allergic to your own underwear!) I have been good and done my housework... cos no other bugger is going to do it for me. 

At least tomorrow I get a more fun day as I am off to a friends for the day to meet her new Hell Kitten (TM) and to be ladies that lunch...

Just another Thursday...

While in the UK we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, I know that a lot of my cyber friends will be celebrating today and I hope they all have a fantastic day with their loved ones, whether they be biological or chosen family and friends.

So, whilst all is rather quiet on the net I have been thinking of the things that I am thankful for…….. or rather, having a think about how my glass is half full….

I am thankful for….

Having a roof over my head,

Having a job I enjoy,

That means I am able to put food on the table and heat my home

The fact that my illness, whilst permanent, is not terminal

That I have access to the medical treatment and medication I need

The animals which I share my home and life with,

Who might annoy the hell out of me at times,

but they also keep me sane and make me get out of bed in a morning

The fact that I live in a place where I can live my life as I choose to do

Where I can be open about who I am without having to live in fear

The love and support of my family and friends

And the ability to love and support them in return

Ok, and now I’ve said all that I just want to give everyone a hug …