Defining diversity.....

I've mentioned before about how the company I work for is very gay friendly... we have our own LGBT listening group and the firm in the Stonewall Index of the top 100 companies.... we are the main sponsor of the Pride event in the city where the firm's headquarters are as well as attending other Pride events in cities where we have offices.

Anyway, part of being a member of the listening group is that on the firm's intranet we have a page with our details on (whether we be LGBT or straight ally) for other staff members to contact if they wish to... and also to get other interested in joining us.  The site's co-ordinator decided that we should upgrade our profiles and sent us a set of questions to answer.

Ok, so the usual name, job, how long with the firm, bit of background about us and what we like to do.. then the stinger.... what does diversity mean to you....

And I came unstuck... not because diversity doesn't mean anything to me, but more because it's not something I've actually really thought about in that sort of context.

I was brought up to accept people for who they are, and to be myself.  I expect others to be the same, and to treat me with the same acceptance... yes, I want to live, work and play in communities with a diverse selection of people, but should I really have to think about it or should everyone just be themselves.... I am still pondering on what the answer is to this as far as I am concerned... or at least how I want to answer the question

I think I shall have to mull the question over some more before I can frame an answer.... perhaps whilst I go knit the rest of these blasted cat nip mice I promised the shelter for the Christmas fayre...

Temper, temper....

Today I woke up grumpy, that sort of tetchy grumpy where your not all out sulking like a spoilt brat but rather that you are going to snap and snarl at everyone regardless.

I know it's partially my own fault... fell asleep before I took my painkillers last night, then was up and down all night with what I thought was breakthrough pain but no, didn't think that at the various points during the night that I woke up.  So I woke up tired and in pain, at 4.30 am, and then walked the dogs, ok well stumbled round the park whilst they leaped about.

By the time I got to work tetchy was rapidly going downhill... and I went into very quiet with occasional sarcasm particularly as it appeared that from leaving on Friday at 4pm my desk had disappeared under what looked like the after effects of an explosion in a paper factory... then I discovered it was "file review" day... ie the day I have to prove to my immediate boss that I am actually working hard and she gets to nosey through everything I do.... yeah I know, it's just supervision and I'm being bitchy, but that's what it feels like.  Then weekly file allocations happened... and I've been given work that I hate and detest... yes I am now sounding like a whining 5 year old...

Then someone did the wrong thing at the wrong time and I did something I've not done for a very long time... I flipped... and snapped back at someone.. which I shouldn't have done and after spending 10 minutes cooling off outside I went back and apologised - admittedly so did she as she'd been warned time and again that rocking her desk, which is opposite mine, or dropping files on it, which makes the whole thing rock, if I am typing, or resting at all against my side of the desks knocks into me which can be painful, and today it was.

Thing is, I know I've got a temper, I was born a red head and I'm an Aries... fantastic combination!  I used to be somewhat volatile but over the years gained a modicum of control (and not a few broken knuckles... walls I might add, I don't believe in hitting people... well unless specifically requested to)... which meant that I've actually shocked myself today when my coping strategies all failed... I thought I had more control... slightly disappointed in myself too...must try harder...

Mumblings on the current WIP

Well this afternoon I sat down to write some more of my based on Red Riding Hood, kind of, if you approach it sideways, don’t look at it directly and squint slightly story... to discover that my wolf character is an obnoxious pain in the arse.  This is nothing new.  I’ve had argumentative characters before... it’s why I never plan exactly where anything I’m writing is going, because inevitably the characters make the decisions not me... I may as well just shut my eyes, not think about it and let them write themselves .

But, and this is the big issue for me, this time I want to get something in particular right.  Having spent the last 16 or so years living with primitive and spitz breed dogs, and having an interest in wolves... not to mention having to learn about canine anatomy, confirmation and movement... I tend to get a touch picky about the way dogs and wolves (whether they be weres, shifters, or just plain wolves) are portrayed in fiction. ... or on film... CGI wolves, dear goodness, I got so pulled out of the film looking at movement and deciding in the end that they all had dysplastic hips it put me off completely....

 I have studied pack theory (both in dogs and wolves – and no, I don’t subscribe to canine pack theory that involves the human as part of the pack) and get very put off when the so called strict pack hierarchy is portrayed in a way that leads me to believe that the writer has little or no actual experience or knowledge of wolf behaviour.  Particularly, the lack of females... females in both dog and wolf packs are absolutely essential for stability.  So, having given in and done what I said I never would, i.e. write a wolf character, I want to get it right........Okay,  so yeah, the first thing I do to my wolf is kill of his pack.... go figure. 

I did also have whole issues over setting when I started writing this story... I wanted modern technology but not so much on the set in a particular place, I wanted rural and fairly isolated which starts to get tricky after all this is a small island ... setting a wolf based story in England though is suspending realism because we have no wild wolves, they’d be shot on sight if seen on farms if we did, oh and hunting with dogs (and I assume wolves.. but that’s probably not actually in the legislation) is banned.

So, yes, I know it is technically a paranormal fantasy setting and, really who needs realism?... erm, well, actually I do.  Or at least something close to plausible.  I was talking to someone the other day about writing in a fantasy setting to which they said, “fantasy is a cop out, it’s easy, you can just make it up as you go along”.  Actually, so not the case, you’ve got to create a setting that you’re happy with, one that makes sense to your readers, you’ve got to stick to the limits you set on, you have to justify why things are the way they are.  I’ve resorted to sketches in the past, and in one case had to build a model of a setting because I’d confused myself never mind my readers

So whilst I get very annoyed by some books, I do like some.  My favourite fictional wolf shifters are probably the forms that Belgarath, Poledra, Garion  (and occasionally Polgara) take in the Belgariad and Mallorean by David Eddings.. which are, I think, realistically portrayed... the worst, no not going there... 

It's not rocket science....

I have been distracted today.  My mind was not at all on my work, instead I flitted around the net on my phone (and on the work computer for sites I can get to).  The reason for this… well my personality is such that I am one of those people who worries about others, and they don’t even have to be people I’ve met in real life.  So when something unexpected happens I tend to whittle about the people involved.

I hate people getting hurt, either physically or emotionally, and online where you can’t see the reaction you it seems to make people forget what's decent and you get a level of emotional abuse, probably unthinkingly inflicted, but which goes well over the line I set for cruelty.  I say unthinkingly because, in my heart of hearts, I would hope that it’s unintentional, that they don’t realise that they are doing it – naïve possibly, hopeful definitely.

I hate seeing people being picked on, disrespected, not listened to, dismissed… you get the picture.  If people choose to share their lives you with, no matter the medium, you owe them something back…you owe them respect, you don’t have to say anything to them, you may just read their opinions and points of view (which of course you don’t have to agree with – but you do have to respect their position).  If you don’t agree with something why mud sling? Why not just calmly walk away and don’t read anymore?  Why dismiss someone else’s point of view? Why not agree to disagree?

I am sick of finding myself on forums of what I believe to be like minded people only to discover in fact there are full of people with their own agendas and cliques.  As I’ve mentioned before I don’t post much on the sites I use, but I do read, and I like to enjoy what I read, I don’t want to read about intolerance, stirring or backstabbing. Flame wars achieve nothing but hurt and anger.  I want to use forums where I feel welcome, and to some extent safe to voice my opinion or thoughts and not to be jumped on about it.

The amount of personal hatred and anger displayed on some sites I’ve visited recently saddens me and scares me to think that in real life people are like this… sure you won’t get along with everyone you come across in life, but you don’t abuse them…. Just because you can’t physically see someone doesn’t stop it from being abuse either.  Cyber hate crimes and bullying are unacceptable, full stop.

So, three little words that I am thinking about a lot (no not I love you, thought those are nice little words to hear whether it’s from a partner, family or friend) 

Tolerance

Acceptance

Understanding

It’s really not rocket science.

I think my book habit is getting out of hand.....

I made a mistake last night and looked at my recent purchase list on Amazon, trouble was it wasn’t the usual limited to the last 30 days list, oh no, it was the whole, what you have purchased in the last six months list….

Then I had a minor moment of horrific clarity (or small panic, phrase this how you wish) …….. I spend far, far too much money on books, and I need to cut down…… (this was compounded by the fact that having recently won the 2^nd e-book in a series in an online give away I “had” to buy the 1^st e-book ….. buying this online (albeit from a store I’d bought stuff from before) caused my bank to have sudden heart failure that fraudulent activity was going on…….at which point they automatically cancelled my one and only bank card! and only checked with me after the event, by which time it was too late…. When my bank queried what I was buying at the time the customer service person commented that from looking at my account I seemed to spend a lot on books *blush*)….. Oh, the books I won/bought (Lissa Kasey’s Inheritance and Reclamation) were really good!

The trouble is, I have lots of reading time in my day… and have a minimum of three books on the go at any one point – my downstairs/morning book which I read post dog walk before going to work (which I wasn’t meant to be doing during November because of the whole NaNo thing but, erm, yes well….) and of an evening if I am at home.  Then there is my lunch time book.. because I solemnly swore to my boss that for a minimum of 30 minutes a day I would not stare at the computer screen… and apparently typing with my eyes closed doesn’t count (but according to my colleague makes it looks like I am sleep typing).  Finally, is my bed time book …. because I can’t fall asleep easily I tend to read myself into sleep only stopping when my eyes really can’t focus on the words and I’ve read the last page at least three times and it still makes no sense…. or until one of the cats sits on the book, stares at me pointedly and refuses to get off because I am not paying them enough attention.

I have no objections to re-reading and around half the books I read fall into this category, but as much as I can happily re-read old favourites (and yes I do still read and enjoy children’s books) I like new stories...I like discovering new worlds, getting to know new characters….

Unfortunately, some, ok probably most if I’m honest, of the books I read aren’t the sort you can pick up in the supermarket (not that I mind the supermarkets selling books but their selection is extremely limited) … which means finding a book shop ….if you can! (I miss Borders, I miss stitch and bitch nights in Borders coffee shop, with books and yarn and friends… (these days it’s held in a horrible chain pub... no books!)… sorry got side tracked) or buying online – where it’s easy to forget how much I am paying…. bad habit of just pressing the “buy now” option and because I don’ physically hand over the money I don’t think too hard about it. 

The other problem is the cost of the individual book… I really do object to paying over £10 for a paperback… ok, I know, some of these books are from small publishing houses, but still!   Given the price of e-books compared to paper ones, and despite my own preference for “real” books, I have given in on the Kindle front… though won’t actually get this for a couple of months… I am actually rather concerned about how it will be far too easy for me to achieve instant gratification in book purchasing… and be able to con myself into the “it’s only £x” without thinking too hard about how much I am spending – but I’ll worry about that one later….   

So until I get my Kindle (and more importantly a new bank card) I am going to have to go on a “new book diet”….. well, for a short while, I might manage until the end of next week.. possibly….

Midweek Musical Mumble...

I apparently have "a song"... who knew! 

Well not me anyway.  I've never been in a relationship that had a defining song (hell now I think about it I've only once been in a relationship with someone who has remotely compatible music tastes....... I wonder if this is something I should add to my criteria for the future...) so I've never really thought about this before.  I rang my sister earlier to tell her that after a week of playing phone tag/leaving notes on the door etc the courier delivering her birthday present had finally worked out where the "safe place" was to leave it.  Apparently she knew that I'd phone because her i-pod had just shuffled to my song?!

So I asked what is "my song" and it's apparently this one...

Apparently due to the line "There's only one way of life, and that's your own..." which she says sums me up quite well :o)

When real life strikes back at fiction.....

One week and just shy of 8000 words into NaNo and I’ve hit a snag… well no, that’s like the understatement of the day… I’ve hit a bloody great roadblock of concrete, head on, whilst not wearing a seat belt……..

I’ve mentioned before that part of my job involves reading and working on things that, well, aren’t particularly pleasant.  So on Friday I picked up a new file I’d been allocated by The Boss and started to review it.  Turns out it involves the physical and sexual abuse of several young boys over a period of years by an authority figure that they should have been able to trust.

I know these files are difficult for me to deal with, but as part of my job they have to be done and my friends are great in helping to keep my thoughts all pink and fluffy (glitter optional).  So I managed over the weekend to continue to write, and then after working on the file all day yesterday I sat down at the lap top to continue, up came the story, I read back and that was it, nothing.  My mind just screamed at me that writing this was wrong.

Now, the thing is, I don’t usually write contemporary and I don’t do much in the way of planning out a story… that up to my characters to do as I type what they tell me.  I had an idea of where the story was going and part of it involves the escape from a D/s relationship which one of them had got into without understanding the implications of before finding himself to be trapped into something he didn’t want.  Whilst the relationship is in effect off screen, the retelling of some aspects and a rather violent escape weren’t… and this was the big sticking point. Having read the witness statements of the victims in the case I was working on I didn’t feel that I could fictionalise anything even remotely involving any form of abuse as it was all far to horribly real in my head (not helped by having a vivid visual imagination that can put pictures I really don’t want to see in my mind).

So I put the lap top away and picked up a book, then spent some time online trying to find some happy expressions of love and relationships which involve trust and more importantly adults.

This morning my head is a little clearer, though I have to face the file again today, but the sticking point remains.  I can’t write this.

I so wanted to actually complete NaNo this month, but I won’t with this story…  I think I shall stick to writing fantasy based things for a while and keep the realistic slightly further away.