May contain waffling....

aka - my head is all over the place right now....

There are two reasons primarily for this - firstly, yesterday and the service to celebrate AP's life.... it wasn't a funeral as such, that had been a family only affair first thing in the morning.  This was an opportunity for her friends and family to come together in the Methodist church that had played a very important part in her life and the life of her family.

There were 18 of us who attended who had known AP through the internet book group we were all members of, all of us wearing something with a touch of lime green.... what was lovely was that her husband and daughters were also wearing touches of lime green which kind of hammered home to me how important her internet friends, who by extension are part of an internet family, were to her.  Each year this book group has bi-annual meetings at which AP would make book marks to sell off to raise funds for whatever charity we were supporting. Her husband, despite his own personal loss and grief, had taken the time to make a set of book marks for us, with pictures of her and the book she wrote on one side and her dates on the other.  He gave them out to us after the service to remember her by.


I did mean to blog last night, but in catching up with my blog feeds I read the day's post that the lovely people at Chicks & Dicks had put up as part of their abuse awareness month this post here now anyone who has read parts of this blog will understand why that that hit....  I hate the terms victim and survivor but if I am honest that is what I am and the whole description of verbal and mental abuse, deliberate isolation from friends and family, ensuring financial and personal dependency, the excuses, the not seeing what's happening and the threat of loosing something important if you rock the boat, brought back some pretty horrible memories and thoughts to the surface.

I am not ashamed to say that I have been a victim of abuse, I don't think it weakens me, I do however, have days when things are looking on the dark side when I still feel a complete and utter useless fool for not seeing it at the time, for pretending it wasn't happening when I did realise it was, and for not getting out sooner......

It was all a bit much last night, so I went and hid under the duvet with my guard cats.

muppet moment (part, oh about 49 by now)

Today I was good and did my essay!....I now have one more assignment to finish and that is it, no more, never again, ever, if I even suggest studying something else please hit me repeatedly over the head until the suggestion goes away!

Anyway, after that I had housework to do as I have an overnight visitor tonight (we are going to AP's funeral tomorrow together).  Now I am not keen on air fresheners of the chemical kind, but having numerous critters I do need some sort of air freshener and tend to light scented candles (Yankee Candles for preference - the air type ones/clean cotton/fluffy towels etc)  

So today as I was dashing about with the hoover and generally dusting I lit a couple of candles on the kitchen window sill and carried on.  Coming back to them later I noticed that only one candle appeared to have a flame (they are in glass holders which are inside black metal cut out type outer holders) so I picked up the not lit candle and got a match to relight it, tilted it slightly and, erm, it wasn't actually out..... which I realised as I put my little finger in too close to what was actually the lit flame..... which made me jump.... and jerk my hand holding the candle holder... which was full of molten wax.........

Yup, all over one hand, and up the bottom part of my arm.

Luckily I was over the kitchen sink so I stuck my hand and arm under the tap .... luckily no burns from the flame to my fingers and I had managed to drop the lit match into the mop bucket....

I then had an interesting half hour peeling the dried on wax off my arms and fingers......It would probably be wrong to admit that I quite enjoyed the whole peeling off experience really.......

Today's conversation with my mother...

Saturday is laundry day which, as I still haven't got my washing machine replaced or fixed, means going to mothers for coffee (I wish!) and reading the news paper whilst I run my stuff through her washing machine (hey it's cheaper and mum is better company than the lecherous old bloke that I usually manage to attract if I go to the laundrette)

This morning, having finished the paper and switched to the kindle, I wasn't really concentrating on what she was saying as she was muttering over her Suduko (seriously, I am the scientific one in our family and I really really can't see the point... I derive great amusement by suddenly calling out random numbers whilst she is trying to complete the puzzles)

So my brain returned to focus on part of the conversation which revolved around having coffee in the gym and sitting with someone reading the 50 Shades book whilst there, because she didn't want to read it at home because of the children.....still not concentrating properly, mum then asked if I'd read it.....

Okay, now here's the bit where I really should have engaged my brain before opening my mouth as I replied... no I like my BDSM erotica to be better written, and not so much of the fluff and that whilst glitter kink was okay, I didn't really do het relationship books......it took about 30 seconds after I stopped speaking before I realised my mother was looking at me strangely.  


I explained that in my opinion, it's badly written fan fiction based on sparkly vampire halitosis boy and his friends (she doesn't like the twilight books and has banned all her pupils from mentioning them... the older ones she points them towards Robin McKinley's "Sunshine" instead) and that the whole BDSM relationship it so supposedly depicts is, well, laughable.

Unfortunately my washing was still going and I couldn't run away when she started asking me what books I had read, what my preferences were and if not het then what did I read..... I am glad she has an open mind, but I hate to think about what she'll be talking about in the gym next week given my preference for M/M, slave fic, a touch of non/dub con and some of the heavier kink based relationships....... I drew the line at recommending books she could pass on to the ladies at the gym....

100 words

This was the May photo prompt on the YA GLBT group on Goodreads.... I have half written a short story but this just kind of landed in my head......

I awoke with his warm body curled around behind me, as we balanced precariously on the single bed.  His arm looped over my own, holding on tightly.  His head lay against my back and with each breath he exhaled I felt its warm touch against the bare skin of my shoulder.

I could feel the smile on my face and a general feeling of warmth within me.  Despite the concerns I’d had the night before about what we were doing, this felt right.  As though this was how it was meant to be.  As if I had come safely home.

Updating by numbers....

1. The weekend... was a washout.. literally and personally... I swear I may as well build an Ark in the back garden because we are going to need it if this rain continues.  I was kind of caught up in a flurry of e-mails about AP's death over the weekend and spent a lot of time playing grief counsellor... I am not sure why but for some reason I am almost always expected to be the strong one.... the one that is good in a crisis .. the one that can cope with everything.  As a result I spent a lot of time on the phone and MSN.

2.  The other wash out bit of the weekend was my essay... I diligently read all the damn course material - nearly 400 pages... and could I work out what the hell I was meant to write for this essay... not a chance... So I sent a wailing e-mail to my tutor begging for help (she obliged on Monday morning) and got on with tarting up the assignment after that I'd almost finished.  2 more weekends... this is all.. I must get the remaining assignments done!

3.  The cats are driving me insane (okay, slightly more insane than usual)  They are obsessed with my wardrobe... I've explained to them there is no mystical world full of cat treats and tuna through the back of it... but this does not stop them trying to break into it and empty the contents all over the bedroom floor in the middle of the night... I have resorted to putting a chair against the door... which means that Hugo just sits on it and wails pitifully.... I am hard hearted however and just tell him to shut up!

4.  Yesterday at work I was a tad unprofessional and unfair ... in a shoot the messenger way.. my team leader had to impart some not very good news and I kind of had a hissy fit and stormed out of the meeting room.... I then didn't sleep last night and worked myself up into a complete state about it all.... I made myself apologise this morning when I went in... she wasn't that bothered by it all because she knew I wouldn't be happy.... so hopefully that can all be forgiven and forgotten now.

5.  Last night I also had a bit of a shock when walking from the car into the supermarket I was hailed across the car park by my step-mother.  Now this is shocking because she and my dad live right at the other end of the country and I knew dad was only just out of hospital......after some investigating - and running into my mother and my sister actually inside the supermarket - it appears dad has finally made his mind up and decided to sell up the stupidly big (well for 2 people) house, close his business and move back up to Sheffield.  Okay, so it means bringing the step-mother with him (I am not a fan..).  My mum and sister had actually been house hunting with step-mother on Monday and Tuesday.... I know, I have a weird family...

6.  Tonight I have been out for a rather fine Chinese meal with some friends..... they may have persuaded me not to be the designated driver.... which means there may possibly have been a bit of vodka....which could explain why the cup cakes I have just iced for my colleague's birthday tomorrow are, erm, shall we say interesting........I got carried away with the swirly patterns of vanilla and choc-fudge icing...

7.  The alcohol could also explain why I am currently sitting waiting for my hair dye to develop... because of course dying your hair is a sensible thing to do at nearly 10 pm isn't it.... I am not sure what colour it is... I wasn't allowed to chose (yes, we were a bit vodka'd when we went to buy it) and they took the colour off the box before I was allowed out the car........ I shall report back on this....

Not the best end to the week...

Just been told that my friend AP passed away last night.  I hope that her family can find some comfort in that she is now at peace.

Whilst I can be thankful she is no longer suffering her passing leaves a huge hole in my virtual friendship web where she has been for the past ten years.

Cancer is a truly terrible disease

Deadlines and Disorganisation...

Well here we are in July... I still don't know how we got here so soon, I am sure not 5 minutes ago we were just hanging up the Christmas lights and moaning about a couple of inches of snow...... I mean my own personal opinion is that someone stole March...

Now I am in my 3rd and final year of my course, and each year when I get my course material in September I have said very firmly to myself, with commitment and dedication, that I will do an assignment a month and it will all be done and dusted long before the 31st July deadline looms on the horizon...... nope, didn't manage it in my first two years and guess what, I am not going to do it this year either.  With only about four weeks left I have 3 assignments to do. So there goes my weekends for the whole of this month

I was trying not to panic too much about this earlier today when the e-mail arrived giving me details of my final exams... 2 of them, on the same day, 16th November to be precise..... Yep automatic flat out panic as a response..... luckily I appear to have a fully mobilised support crew to get me through this courtesy of the YA GLBT group over on Goodreads..... I have warned them I have a tendency to go into full blown panic spin out of control and run away screaming because I can't do it mode....

The funny thing is, at work, as well as within my family, I am the organised one. The one who keeps to deadlines, who is the bane of my sister's life because whereas she is always late I am at least 5 minutes early for everything...... I am the one who has a perpetually tidy (if not always completely clean) house, who is organised down to the last detail and makes lists for everything.  Whose desk at work is usually immaculately tidy, who meticulously files paperwork and knows what stage all the cases are up to......

until you look a little deeper..... the house is tidy because (a) I've a habit of walking about in the dark without my glasses on and if it wasn't I'd fall over a break something (okay, do more serious damage than I can usually manage) or (b) the dogs (Gretchen!) would destroy things left lying about.... I keep deadlines, yes, by leaving things right up to the last minute and then scrabbling around like mad trying to meet them, staying up too late and obsessing over them - I mean how many people do you know that have a note book and pen in the bathroom because their work brain switches on in the shower and remembers things that then must be written down straight away.

I am 5 minutes early most of the time because I was running late in the first place and managed to get ahead of myself.... and whilst yes I have got a good memory, as my boss said at my last appraisal, it's all very well but if I got run over by a bus the rest of them are screwed because nothing is ever written down where it's meant to be!

I probably should try a little bit harder to be as organised as I appear, but if I spent time doing that I'd definitely never make another deadline again!