Music for Dad...

The draw back about having a date for dad's funeral..... is that now we have to start planning it.... which means sharing memories.  In some way's it's cathartic, but at times it's painful, there has been laughter as well as tears as we look at old photos and remember.

Music was very important to dad - in the short time between leaving school and me being born (I was his 21st birthday present.... well I would have been if I was 8 days later arriving) he ran a mobile disco... he also used to tell us his stories of going to see various bands in London in the late 60's early 70's.  He bought me my first MP3 player and filled it up with tunes he thought I'd like - in return I used to rip cd's for him, particularly in the last few years when music became one of the few things with his limited mobility he could enjoy.

For the funeral we have each picked a piece of music to play (thankfully we talked his partner out of Leonard Cohen as I don't think we could have coped with that)..... below are the 4 songs that will be played.  In addition, for the committal there is a Welsh male voice choir piece.

These songs all have really strong memories and associations with my dad.

Coping.......

def:  To deal successfully with a difficult situation

This just about sums up my life for the last week.  There have been some horrible low points, but most of it has been me surviving by shutting myself off and existing in an emotional void, not thinking too hard about things and, yes, coping.

Mum and my sister are still down with dad's partner, but will come back tomorrow.  The death has been registered and the process of arranging probate etc is underway - In his attempt to convince himself, and probably everyone else, that he wasn't as ill as he really was - let alone that there was the potential that he could die - dad didn't get round to making a will.... which means everything is rather a mess.

We finally have the date and time for the funeral..... but it won't be for another week and a bit.  As it's our, rather unusual family, the funeral will be lead by my mum, who will give the main speech, then everyone there will be invited to say a brief something about dad if they want to.  Both my sister and I don't think we are going to be able to speak though.  So instead, we are putting together a memorial brochure to give to everyone attending (kind of like an order of service for a non religious funeral).  It's going to have photos of dad, and probably us, and some of our favourite memories of the things we shared with him. 

Putting this together is difficult... we want to laugh at some of the lighter memories, but more often than not end up in tears..... which I am off to do yet again...... I should buy shares in Kleenex!

I leave you with a picture of George.......... when i got my first house back in 2000 I already had 3 dogs, but desperately wanted a cat.  Enter George and his brother Henry from the Cats Protection League.  Sadly Henry had a fatal allergic reaction to flea drops after which George was very lonely and whilst I was all for getting another cat to keep him company my dad insisted he go home with him to live with their other cats.  For the last 3 years George has been dad's constant companion.  He's fifteen now, and a rather grumpy old thing.  He's missing dad and spends a lot of time curled up in the chair they used to share.

 

Yet the world still turns as normal.........

My dad passed away this morning.

It feels right now that there is a big hole in the world where he should be.......... yet around me everything goes on as usual. I want to scream and shout... "can't you see, my dad's gone."

My cornerstone, my rock, the person who I could always go to for help, who never judged me or what I did.  Who watched me try and fail, but never said I told you so, instead helped pick up the pieces so I could try again.  Who watched me try and succeed and was always there to cheer for me.  He's gone, and he's never coming back.

I can't pick up the phone and know he'll be on the end of the line to talk to me.  I won't ever get a quirky e-mail arrive in my in box to show that he's been thinking of me.  I won't ever be able to feel him put his arms round me and hug me, tell me everything will be okay.

Right now I want to turn the clock back, to see him one more time, to speak to him, to tell him how much I love him, how much he meant to me.

I hope he knew.

What I read in August...........

Wow, August is over already! That's kind of scary!

Autumn will soon be here....

So, this month, there was reading... but for a long month strangely not an awful lot......... mind you I have caught up on just about all the LHNB stories and found some stuff on line to read..... plus I've been doing a fair bit of writing which has used up quite a lot of my free time.

So, my favourite this month, that probably has to go to Downtime by Tamara Allen - a really well done time slip mystery that stayed true to the Victorian period in which it was set.  I have another of her books waiting on the Kindle for next month.

Runners up I think go to Bullheaded by Catt Ford and Sweet Young Thang by Anne Tenino (which I think is the strongest of the books in this series and the Greek societies names make me chuckle when you just take the initials - though I am only assuming this is intentional) 

Special mention to Rider - which I buddy read - it's not really an M/M romance as such as it doesn't have a happy ending but it is a really well written mystery story 

1.                Camwolf – J. L. Merrow

2.                Morning Report – Sue Brown (r)

3.                Wild Raspberries – Jane Davitt

4.                A Dish Served Cold – Andrew Ashiling - This was on my Kindle for ages, it's not an easy read, violent and dark in places, the world building is good and the epilogue just makes the whole thing.

5.                Forever, I Promise – Lily Grace (LHNB Story, novella length)

6.                We’re Both Straight, Right? – Jamie Fessenden

7.                A Solid Core of Alpha – Amy Lane - This was my Pick It For Me challenge book - now I am no stranger to Amy Lane's books - but this one hadn't really ever registered as being potentially to read, though I do do sci-fi books generally.  It was both interesting and enjoyable with the expected level of character torture and yet again a "spot the author" moment....

8.                Midnight in Berlin – J. L. Merrow

9.                Rider – Peter Merrigan

10.            This Young Stud – Sean Michael - This series I've nicknamed "Hammer light".... enjoyable fluff but I really hope that they move away from the "hopeless twink" in every story!

11.            The Case of the Cupid Curse – Amber Kell & RJ Scott

12.            Complicated – JJ Cassidy (LHNB Story, novel length)

13.            The Loadstar of Ys – Amy Rae Durreston (LHNB Story, novella length) - Probably one of my favourites of the LHNB stories this year - fantasy with a very Celtic feeling to it

14.            Meet me in the Middle – L. A. Whitt - this is the 3rd in the "closer you get" series and a nice light fairly low drama read.

15.            Sweet Young Thang – Anne Tenino

16.            Downtime – Tamara Allen

17.            Bullheaded – Catt Ford

18.            Blacker than Black – Rhi Etzweiler - I struggled with this one for some reason, it's beautifully written and a really interesting take of vampire society but I found it difficult to connect with the main character and narrator.

19.    Ty Hard (Willow Springs Ranch) - L.E. Harner
20.    Isle of Wishes - Sue Brown

So on to next month - when between the Scavenger Hunt, monthly challenge, pick it for me challenge and general reading I appear to have a list of about 20 books to get through already picked out for me!!

Saturday song.........

I heard this band do a live session on the radio and just loved this song.....There is something about the woman's voice that makes me go all tingly and get goose bumps......

The continuing saga of the somewhat accident prone........

Or.... erm.... oops....

Okay, cast your minds back about, oh, a month or so, to the morning when Hope used my knee as an emergency brake by applying her head to it whilst running flat out towards me....... yep, you remember that?

Well, for a couple of days after my knee was very stiff and sore and made an impressive clicking noise whenever I walked........ then something went pop and it seemed better........ or at least as better as a knee belonging to an arthritis riddled person gets.......

But...... it was all a bit painful, and my back started aching a lot more when I was walking.... and the knee would occasionally lock up or give way for no real reason..... but hey, you know, falling apart here, it' just part and parcel of it......

Only apparently it wasn't.....

Bring your minds to this morning, as I am arising from the sofa after having got an extra hour or so snoozing time after a stupidly early dog walk..... okay, so slightly before the arising part I was rudely awakened by Gretchen digging her paw into my eye socket.... not a recommended method of waking up!

I put my feet to the floor and stood, and twisted slightly................ and there was an almighty crack from my right knee....... and I thought I was going to throw up as something definitely moved in the area ........ Once I'd recovered slightly I discovered that all of a sudden I could walk much more easily...  and my back wasn't hurting........ I phoned my doctors surgery who suggested that the practice nurse might want a look at it.... and pootled off there this evening........ I am strapped up around my knee at present...... to .... erm.... prevent my right knee cap from dislocating/slipping sideways again whilst the ligaments in my knee reset themselves to where they are actually meant to be, rather than where they have been for the last month.......my doctor is kind of horrified and not a little impressed that I've been wondering around for about a month on a partially dislocated knee without realising it........ he did suggest I tried resting it ... then thought about it and just told me to carry on.......

In which I mumble about taking days off.........

I did something at work today that I am feeling a bit, I don't know, undecided about........ and the stupid thing is, it's not something I've done wrong, or that I shouldn't have done.. in fact it was something I should have done, kind of... yeah, this is not making sense is it...

Okay, so as part of my contract I have 24.5 days annual leave each year - well actually 25 but the office is shut on the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and the whip half a day off your leave entitlement for that.....i normally carry over 5 days from the year before - which is the maximum allowed - and takes me to 29.5 days a year... now because next week, on Wednesday to be exact, I will have been with the firm for 5 years, I am rewarded... by being given a further 3 days leave a year........ so now we are up to 32.5 days...... and up to today I had used, erm, about 8 days....... and it's now nearly September...... leaving me 4 months to use up the rest of my days off or lose them.

The trouble is, when I take time off i do nothing, well, nothing productive, or vaguely holiday like... I mope around at home spending the first couple of days panicking about what I left on my desk and the last couple of days panicking about what will be on my desk when I get back....... overall I usually end up so stressed out the holiday isn't really worth having.

But, after promising that I would take steps to make time for myself to relax I've booked myself a whole week off starting on 16th September........now that was fine......... it's been booked for a while..... but today, talking to my colleague (who sadly because she's had such a crap deal after she returned from maternity leave probably isn't going to be my colleague for much longer) it was pointed out that I've not actually had a long break over Christmas for the last 4 years as I've always worked the whole way through..... she prodded a bit and before I knew it, I'd put in a leave request so that I will finish work on 20th December and not return until 2nd January .... now that's a lot of days off!  It hasn't been approved, but no one else has booked the time yet either.

I am not sure how I feel about doing it though.  My family are local, I don't have children to make Christmas extra special for - and I won't spend too much time with my family (the joys of being an antisocial cowbag  - I can only tolerate family/friends for extended period with lots of breaks between contact or I get majorly stressed out - the only exceptions to this are those friends and family who know that if they visit they help themselves and let me have alone or quiet time).  The others in my team have families across the country, or children, and this is where the guilt kicks in - am I depriving them of a chance enjoying their Christmas break....

Part of me is seriously thinking about cancelling the days off, or at least some of them, so that others can take the time off.... but then again I suppose I'm as entitled to them as much as anyone else... I hate this, I don't want to upset anyone, or rock the boat, but I am not really prepared for it to be a case of I will work over Christmas because I always have done........ maybe I should work just one or two days........ or maybe.... oh I don't know...  And I've still got to fit in another 10 days worth of holiday....

And I can't even believe I am thinking about Christmas already!  That said, mum has started dropping large and unsubtle hints about what she'd like and my sister is talking making things for the Christmas fayre...... schools will be going back next week........ before we know it the nights will be getting longer ..... okay, no enough, I am still happily in summer mode thank you very much.......