Saturday song....

Another one I've heard a lot on the radio recently and really rather like :)

Random little mumbles from a mixed up mind......

So, Friday, yeah, no, not going there in detail - save for the fact it was sad but we laughed  - particularly when the funeral director had to admit he'd forgotten to put the cd we'd burnt of music for the funeral into the car and had to run back to the office for it - thankfully we were the last funeral of the day so it didn't matter that we started 20 minutes late .... and that was just typical for dad, who frequently left home at the time he was meant to arrive at his destination.

My friends who I left the dogs with (and stayed with Friday night) were just wonderful... not only did they look after me and the dogs - including bathing all four of them which was above and beyond anything I'd expected - but they made sure that I had time to myself if I needed and lots of hugs.

I got home Saturday lunch time - and spent most of the afternoon asleep on the sofa - whilst a 400 mile round trip in 24 hours is physically draIining, the emotional cost got to me as well.  I am still feeling kind of absent at the moment and can't really connect with much.

This afternoon has been difficult.  I knew it would be.  You see, most Sunday afternoons - particularly on a Grand Prix weekend, about this time, the phone would ring and dad and I would have a nice long talk about life, the universe and everything.  I have the phone next to me on the table as I am typing this and part of me still expects it to ring any minute.... rationally I know it won't.... but I'd give anything just to hear his voice again.

I am also drinking my diet coke out of a pint glass from Preston Beer Festival 2000 - which dad and I went to with my best friend.  I have several pint glasses from different beer festivals from about 1998 to 2007, whenever dad came to visit, he tried to tie it in with a beer festival.  It was always amusing to go to one with him - it was the only place where I ever had difficulty spotting him in a crowded room and for some reason there were always a lot of middle aged, large, bearded men at these things.

It's the little things that seem to hit the hardest at the moment.  I boiled a pan of water on the stove this morning (not replaced the exploded kettle from Thursday yet) and put the water into my thermos - which was the present he gave me last Christmas... and will now always be the last Christmas present he gave me. It's difficult to pour boiling water from a pan to a thermos when you can't see for tears.

I know there is no timetable for grieving, but with his spirit and now his body gone I kind of feel in limbo.  I know it will get easier, that time will numb the feelings but won't destroy the memories, and I know that there are going to be huge landmines around special occasions when dad would have been there, but knowing all this doesn't actually make it easier.

Tomorrow I return to work - my so called holiday last week really didn't feel much like one at all.  Part of me wants to go back to work - I can hide in it and not think - part of me also knows that's really not emotionally healthy, but I think it comes back to coping - which is about as best as I can do for now.

Meh, sorry, these posts are rambly and probably make very little sense, but it's my blog and reflects part of my life - and sometimes those parts can't be all fun, critters and books.

Not ready to say goodbye......

I am all ready for tomorrow......... that is to say, my bag is packed, the car is set up, the critters are ready to be dropped off at the dog sitters

But in all other ways, I am so not ready for this at all.

How can you be ready to say goodbye to your father?

If I could cancel tomorrow I would.

If I could turn back time, or even hold it still so I never had to go through tomorrow I would.

I can't see how I will ever be ready for this and I am not sure I ever want to be.

And in real life...........

Because, aside from the whole horrible emotional mess of dad's death and the fall out from it real life has gone on whether I wanted it to or not..... some other bits and pieces about what has been happening in my tiny little corner of the world.....

- My colleague who was on maternity leave and came back in July has handed in her notice.... there hasn't been much said, but all of a sudden our team leader is passing me tasks to do with supervising the team's trainee... there has been mentioned that we will be getting two new starters soon in the team and not so subtle hints of me being the monitor for one.   I am really undecided as to whether I want the permanent position of deputy team leader or not

- I snuck off from work on Thursday afternoon for a couple of hours to do some important bits and pieces... in fact I took the time off to get my hair cut... which was probably not that important but it needed doing.  Now my hair is cut by a mobile hairdresser and friend of my mum's next door neighbour.  I let her have free rein to do whatever she wanted, my hair is horribly thick and I usually have just a bob at about chin length, but I fancied something different - so she cut in layers and made it very short at the back, but still falling round my face at the front... it looks nice.    Now whilst I was having my hair cut we (hairdresser, neighbour and I) were talking about grey hair and hair cuts and the hairdresser mentioned a client who had long grey hair and desperately wanted it cut short, but her husband wouldn't let her as he said she'd look like a lesbian (she actually used the term lettuce muncher) .... well I didn't think about it, I just replied, well yes, of course because we are all easily identified by our hair cuts........ there was a stunned silence and then a rapid changing of the subject by the hair dresser.  She was completely mortified, my neighbour was having trouble not laughing apparently but later on came round to see my mum and pass on apologies from the hair dresser who hadn't meant to cause any offence.  Now, in fact, she didn't, well not to me, because it's something I've had thrown at me for years "not looking like a lesbian"..... I am really not sure what I am meant to look like - I wasn't aware there was a special identifying look.... it's not bothered me for the last 20ish years ..... though maybe someone will catch on one day and I will have to surrender my lesbian card for not conforming to standards... I doubt it though.

- Autumn has definitely arrived.... the temperatures are dropping, as are the leaves.... the road is horribly slippery with wet leaves and I only narrowly avoided going arse over tit this morning when taking the dogs out... time to break out the heavy duty walking shoes I think.  In the meantime, I'm spending a lot of time in the kitchen with my lap top and Kindle watching as it gets depressingly dark before 8 pm.  I fear I shall be resorting to jacket potatoes and rice pudding as staple foods shortly - well it means having the cooker on for a couple of hours which helps keep the house warm (a bonus when there is still no central heating and the new boiler fund remains too low to register)

- I am not at work this week....... this didn't however stop me in a moment of organisation/stupidity prevent me from making my lunches for the next few days.........

I think that's about it...... I have to go sort my car out tomorrow as it's off to the garage for it's yearly road inspection...... fingers crossed it passes without costing more than it's worth!

Music for Dad...

The draw back about having a date for dad's funeral..... is that now we have to start planning it.... which means sharing memories.  In some way's it's cathartic, but at times it's painful, there has been laughter as well as tears as we look at old photos and remember.

Music was very important to dad - in the short time between leaving school and me being born (I was his 21st birthday present.... well I would have been if I was 8 days later arriving) he ran a mobile disco... he also used to tell us his stories of going to see various bands in London in the late 60's early 70's.  He bought me my first MP3 player and filled it up with tunes he thought I'd like - in return I used to rip cd's for him, particularly in the last few years when music became one of the few things with his limited mobility he could enjoy.

For the funeral we have each picked a piece of music to play (thankfully we talked his partner out of Leonard Cohen as I don't think we could have coped with that)..... below are the 4 songs that will be played.  In addition, for the committal there is a Welsh male voice choir piece.

These songs all have really strong memories and associations with my dad.

Coping.......

def:  To deal successfully with a difficult situation

This just about sums up my life for the last week.  There have been some horrible low points, but most of it has been me surviving by shutting myself off and existing in an emotional void, not thinking too hard about things and, yes, coping.

Mum and my sister are still down with dad's partner, but will come back tomorrow.  The death has been registered and the process of arranging probate etc is underway - In his attempt to convince himself, and probably everyone else, that he wasn't as ill as he really was - let alone that there was the potential that he could die - dad didn't get round to making a will.... which means everything is rather a mess.

We finally have the date and time for the funeral..... but it won't be for another week and a bit.  As it's our, rather unusual family, the funeral will be lead by my mum, who will give the main speech, then everyone there will be invited to say a brief something about dad if they want to.  Both my sister and I don't think we are going to be able to speak though.  So instead, we are putting together a memorial brochure to give to everyone attending (kind of like an order of service for a non religious funeral).  It's going to have photos of dad, and probably us, and some of our favourite memories of the things we shared with him. 

Putting this together is difficult... we want to laugh at some of the lighter memories, but more often than not end up in tears..... which I am off to do yet again...... I should buy shares in Kleenex!

I leave you with a picture of George.......... when i got my first house back in 2000 I already had 3 dogs, but desperately wanted a cat.  Enter George and his brother Henry from the Cats Protection League.  Sadly Henry had a fatal allergic reaction to flea drops after which George was very lonely and whilst I was all for getting another cat to keep him company my dad insisted he go home with him to live with their other cats.  For the last 3 years George has been dad's constant companion.  He's fifteen now, and a rather grumpy old thing.  He's missing dad and spends a lot of time curled up in the chair they used to share.

 

Yet the world still turns as normal.........

My dad passed away this morning.

It feels right now that there is a big hole in the world where he should be.......... yet around me everything goes on as usual. I want to scream and shout... "can't you see, my dad's gone."

My cornerstone, my rock, the person who I could always go to for help, who never judged me or what I did.  Who watched me try and fail, but never said I told you so, instead helped pick up the pieces so I could try again.  Who watched me try and succeed and was always there to cheer for me.  He's gone, and he's never coming back.

I can't pick up the phone and know he'll be on the end of the line to talk to me.  I won't ever get a quirky e-mail arrive in my in box to show that he's been thinking of me.  I won't ever be able to feel him put his arms round me and hug me, tell me everything will be okay.

Right now I want to turn the clock back, to see him one more time, to speak to him, to tell him how much I love him, how much he meant to me.

I hope he knew.