This might get a bit bleak..... read on at your own risk
Death ........ we all know it happens to every living thing, sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's just what is expected, sometimes it's a huge, completely unfair bastard that rips a hole in your life for no reason you can fathom whatsoever.
It's the last of these that has hit me hard over the last 48 hours.
I work in a department of mixed ages - from 18 to 67 - and a smaller team of six, of which I am the oldest at 41. I've been there for six years and I'm good friends with the team - two of who have been there longer than me.
One of them didn't turn up for work yesterday. We phoned and texted, but no answer. We called his emergency contacts but couldn't get anyone there either. My team leader went to his house but couldn't get a response at the door. We phoned the hospitals, and eventually we phoned the police. They broke into the house and found that he'd passed away sometime over the weekend. We have no further information.
He was 35.
He was lively, in fairly good health, he even went to the gym about 3 times a week - hell he went last week to body attack on Thursday night.
He hadn't looked well for a few days, and we'd tried to get him to see a doctor - but he was highly resistant to this ... and as he was a competent adult you can't force him to go if he doesn't want to.
Today we had to tell the rest of the team. Tomorrow my team leader and I are going in to work early to clear out his desk and box up his personal possessions.
For six years he's been the guy that sits in the desk behind me, who looks over my shoulder when he walks past, who teases me about spending too much time on the internet, who asks what I am buying him when I do my supermarket shop online at lunch time, who eats oranges most afternoons so that the smell when he peels them wafts across the pod. No longer will I hear him when he first gets to work and he's wearing his bike over trousers that crinkle when he walks. No longer will someone move the collection of stuffed animals my team leader and I have on our desks when we are are away - so we come back to find them doing rude things to each other - or climbing up the plants.......
Last week I interviewed for the position of team leader whilst my current team leader is on maternity leave. Two others interviewed as well, and he told me that if I didn't get it he was going to stage a one man rebellion because I was already part of "our" team, and he didn't want someone else coming in to it. We were laughing about me being in charge. I got the job, but it wasn't announced till yesterday, so he never knew.
No one really understands why this happened. There was nothing obvious to say he was that sick.
And now he's gone. For the last 6 years I spent 35 hours a week working along side him - that's an awful lot of time. There is a hole in my life where a friend should be.
I can't help wondering what if I'd pushed harder to get him to see a doctor - what if I'd done more, what if we all had. But how far can you interfere in the life of someone who is a work colleague, even if they are also a friend?
It's too early to say what the impact of this will be for anyone who worked with him. Our office is in shock and grieving. We have to give ourselves time to come to this and time to remember him. I know the good memories will survive, but for now I am just left with questions.
35 is no age at all. He had so much life left to live. I shall miss him.
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